‘Hawk?’ I sit up and try to focus, but my eyes feel like vaseline has been poured into them. My last memory, what was my last memory? Hawk was warning me, but I didn’t want to listen– why?
My brain obeys and sends an image to me that at first seems too difficult to comprehend. Fear sinks like lead into the bottom of my stomach as I remember - Hawk was warning me about me.
I look down before scuttling automatically to the bottom of the bed, away from the horror. My mind feels as if it is going to ignite. My eyes are closed. Stickers from the heart monitor plaster my chest, and my face and arms are bruised. Purple and blue welts push through my pale skin, and I feel tears well up. I look so ill. A thought grabs hold of me, and I try to touch my leg that lies dead straight under the duvet. My hand falls through to nothingness.
‘Nevaeh.’
‘I’m nothing… like air.
‘Nevaeh.’
I panic, my dead eyes flicking to the monitor to reassure myself that I’m not dead. I look down. I’m wearing the same clothes I had worn in the accident.
‘Nevaeh stop it! You’re not dead, just separate.’ Hawk is whispering in my ear, and I can feel his arms around me.
My mind is whirring, nothing makes sense, and the panic makes me feel sick.
He grabbed me by my shoulders and holds me at arm’s length. ‘You have to calm down; if you don’t others will come to claim your body. Do you understand what I’m saying?’ He is shaking me, but I don’t care. Memories of the white Ford and the sounds of branches splitting and cracking seem to surround me again. I must be dead, how else could I be looking at myself?
‘Nevaeh. Look at me, you’re not dead!’ He repeats. I feel my bottom lip quiver and nod. Maybe, he is my guardian angel. I hope he is. I look at Mum and Dad – they have always been more spiritual. Am I going to hell?’
‘Nevaeh…stop it…you’re not going there either!’
I look at him carefully then, what did he know? How did he know anything? He is possibly only two, maybe three years older than me.
‘Nevaeh remember what I told you before about the physical and spiritual side. This is where you are at the moment – between worlds.
I look at him with wide eyes while slowly pulling his hands off my shoulders.
‘If I’m not dead…?’
Hawk drew back slightly before looking down at himself. He was standing in the middle of my bed, as clearly as if a hole has been carved in the middle of it. I don’t move as he walks out and pulls me with him. I remember wondering why I can still feel my heart pounding in my chest as we stand there staring at the other me. He pulls me closer, and I nestle instinctively into his chest. I can feel his tension, even though I’m not real, we aren’t real, and I can feel everything. I look up, just as he pushes my hair back from my face before tracing my jaw line with his finger. I sigh; the butterflies in my stomach feel like they have tripled and suddenly an out-of-body experience didn’t feel so bad.
‘This isn’t supposed to happen,’ he breathes, his mouth is so close to mine. We automatically kiss each other, and for a brief moment, we forget.
‘Wait, what did you say?’ I asked, before pulling away.
‘What do you mean? What was supposed to happen?’ I repeat, rubbing my arms, out of habit. I don’t feel cold, but the mood has definitely dropped a couple of degrees. I think of the accident. Was the Ford just meant to scare me? A feeling of dread hits me - is he part of this? I rack my brain, thinking of wings, of flapping and something else. It has difficulty filtering through the dull mesh of memories I call a brain. Why can’t I remember that part?
Hawks looks so tortured. I don’t realise he is holding both my hands until he squeezes them. There is more, I can feel it, and, by the way his jaw clenches and unclenches, I know it isn’t going to be good. How much worse can it get? I think taking a deep breath.
‘Nevaeh, this isn’t an accident.’ I look at him in shock and think of Hussein turning the dials. I don’t know why, but I know that image of him isn’t my dying brain flicking out random scenes. Doubt creeps in and I look at him helplessly.
‘But it was an accident, Hussein didn’t mean it, you have to believe me Hawk.’ I blurt before trailing off. The sadness in his eyes overwhelms me.
‘Nevaeh, I don’t mean Hussein, he’s an innocent in all of this. But you,’ he cups my chin. ‘You have special gifts, like the others; remember what I said about the indigoes? Someone doesn’t want you to discover your true calling. Dammit! I sense something is wrong – that’s why I left you. I need time alone to meditate and call on my ancestors for guidance.’
I watch him clench his fists again and feel his frustration build, willing him to go on. I don’t understand any of this. He moves from foot to foot, agitated.
‘Nevaeh, I’m a recruiter of indigoes. I’m supposed to guide you through the first stages. I saw you in my vision quest, and I’m never wrong. Then the accident happened and wham!’ He slams his fist into his hand making me jump and for the first time since I’d met him, I see fear in his eyes.
Recruiter? I feel numb.
He tilts his head slightly before nodding.
If I hadn’t been standing at the end of my hospital bed with the other me lying there while listening to him rambling about what was meant to be, I would have laughed. It is all so surreal, as far as dreams go. But I don’t, and I don’t like being away from my body, it makes me anxious. I look from my hospital self to him and take a deep breath.
‘So…if I’m not dead, are you?’
13
Invisible
FRIDAY
I’m confused when I open my eyes - did I just fall asleep in the middle of a question? I look at him waiting, maybe he is in shock.
‘Hawk, are you? Are you dead?’ I feel dread seep through me, he seems horrified by the question, but I have to know. He just said that I’m not dead. He snaps his head up and grins widely.
‘Dead? Sorry, you took me by surprise. Glad to have you back, by the way.’
Have me back?
I gawp at him. Hawk is rambling, and he keeps touching my arm, squeezing it, and then grinning again. He seems more relaxed, even jolly and to think I’m the one who had the accident.
‘I’m not dead, and nor are you. I’m trancing. I thought you guessed that already.’ He looks at me like I’m going senile and leans forward.
‘Nevaeh, this is a totally different level from normal. We trance in real time, and I don’t think this has ever been done before.’ He shrugs his shoulders. ‘I have help from my ancestors and the group of course. It’s getting easier, especially today - everyone is pouring their energy into me. I’ve never felt so alive.’ He looked at me apologetically, and I felt even more confused. Why did he look so embarrassed? He just said I’m not dead. Doubt creeps in. What if this isn’t an o.b. experience, what if I’m a ghost? If Hawk notices my agitation, he doesn’t say anything. He is too busy talking – does this guy ever shut up? He’s pacing now and making me dizzy.
‘Hawk, stand still and slow down would you?’ He grins and turns to face me.
‘Nevaeh, to be honest, I never knew I could do this and was more than a little impressed with myself.’ His face lit up with pride then, and I want to scream. I know he is trying to lighten the mood, but it isn’t helping and I feel my mood darkening. Something is seriously wrong here. I look at him.
‘So, I can only touch you because…?’
‘Because I’m trancing, and you’re, well, y’know.’ He steps closer then, trailing his hand down my face. I once read that people do strange things in extreme circumstances, and counted this as one of them. I’m not complaining. He is trancing, I’m having an o.b.e, and now he’s kissing my neck.