Hawk steps closer, silently and I know he is willing me to remember.
I push down the scream that threatens to burst from me.
‘I thought it was me, and now…’ I turn towards the window, before staring at the imaginary puzzle pieces.
‘And now what? Nevaeh – tell me.’ He strokes my arm like a child.
I turn round and stare at him evenly.
‘I think I just met my mother. That baby symbolises me, she’s waiting for me!’
I gasp, saying it aloud sounds strangely permanent, and I’m not ready for this – any of this. I walk to the window trailing my hand along the dust. If I jump again, maybe I can reach her, and all of this will be over. I look at my other self again, a still body and feel miserable. This isn’t life; either I’m here or there, but not both. A deep sense of despair almost smothers me and I look back at the window. I’d read somewhere that if you dream of jumping off a cliff and reach the bottom you’re dead.
What if you’re already half way there? I close my eyes willing myself to fall, not expecting the force of Hawk’s hands on the back of my shoulders. My eyes fly open, and I’m turned to face him. It’s already a deep shade of red, and I realise he’s been following my thoughts. His dark eyes are furious.
‘Don’t even think it, do you hear me? You have to fight this; I’m not giving up on you yet.’
His voice is hoarse with emotion. I nod and let him walk me to what he must have felt was the safest area, the windowless part. He kisses me firmly before pulling back.
‘Don’t do that again, you frightened the life out of me.’ I stare at him in amazement. Frightened the life out of him? If I hadn’t been feeling so weak, I would have laughed at the last comment, especially considering I had had the life hit out of me.
We sit there for what feels like hours, talking over the different dreams and trying to make sense of it all. Hawk was right; I had to wake up first.
I sigh; all of this is surreal in so many ways, laying here, the three of us on my bed. I didn’t even feel creepy anymore; in fact, it is kind of comforting in a weird way. At least I know where my body is. I wonder what happens to other people who are separated from their bodies? Do they just float around like ghosts?
I smile, imagining the look on Jo-Jo and even Jay and Paul’s face if I started moving things around. The image of their faces would be worth it, just for the pure entertainment value.
Hawk muttered something, and I can see his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. He has been like this for a while now, and I wish he would just open them again. I trace my finger from his temple to the tattoo and smile to myself. Never in a million years, had I dreamt of doing this with any guy. But then, this wasn’t exactly a normal situation. The hawk tattoo looked like it was either taking off or landing, and seemed adapted to his personality.
I wonder what my totem was? We hadn’t really covered totems in our ‘lessons’ yet, just trancing. Apparently, to be a full member, you had to have one. Hawk turned his head and mumbled something. I frown wondering if you can sleep and trance at the same time. That’s what I’ll do when I wake up; I think, ask more questions and stop running. Every question seemed more important now than it had ever done before.
‘Hawk, you okay?’ I whisper. Maybe he is trancing, while trancing, if that’s possible. I shake the thought away, it makes my head ache. I look at the deep furrows in his forehead, he looks troubled. Was he talking to the others in the circle, or were they getting tired of supporting him? He did say that it was because of their combined energy he was able to be here. I’m starting to feel paranoid and look at the corners of the room, fearing the return of the shadows.
I touch my arm or rather put my hand through my arm thinking sadly of Hussein and the light liquid that has come from my hand. Why can’t I heal myself? My life has changed so much, and now all I want to do is go back in time. I wouldn’t have left my group, or been at their house with their stupid meditations. I would have been at home with Mum and Dad, even cuddling the grump seemed so much nicer now. We don’t have much, but we are always a happy, mixed up family. I wipe a large tear from my face, crying even more when I realise that they aren’t even real, I’m not real. Arms enfold me then, and I hold onto him gratefully, relieved that he’s awake.
‘I thought you were going to disappear on me,’ I whisper, forcing a smile as I twist round. He pushes my hair back from my shoulders and smiles.
‘Nevaeh, I’m sorry I lost my temper, I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you when I’ve just found you.’
This makes me cry even more. I’m starting to feel the same way but how do I know if what I’m feeling is real? I stand up and walk around the bed. I know I can walk through it, but it doesn’t feel normal. I hug myself as I turn to face him.
‘Here’s the deal, I won’t fall through windows, and you don’t close your eyes. Speak to them on your own time, alright?’ I half laugh.
‘Agreed,’ he smiles and we both walk back round the bed towards each other.
‘I just want to go home, y’know?’ He smiles; his eyes tender and I close my eyes anticipating his embrace. My eyes open wide in shock, and I turn at the same time as Hawk.
‘What happened?’ I feel nervous as he rushes towards me, then through me. My arms are still open, and I turn robotically. Not him as well. My mind is screaming, and when we reach out, our hands pass through each other. I look from my hands to his face and back again, trying to comprehend.
‘Hawk?’
His body flickers like a hologram before becoming whole again. It makes me nervous - I don’t want to be alone with the shadows. I almost cry in relief when I feel him again. He holds me, whispering into my hair.
‘It’s okay, I’m in a circle, and somehow it must have been temporarily broken. We have to work out a way of getting you healed and back into your body. Nevaeh, I might have to leave you…’ At this I freeze, holding him tighter.
‘No!’ I shut my eyes, thinking of the shadows.
‘No, no, no!’
He pulls away slightly, staring down, planting small kisses all over my face.
‘Nevaeh, you have to understand, this isn’t right. I don’t want to be with you like this and I know you don’t. I have to find answers. I won’t be long, but I have to work out a way to get you back to your body.’ His tone shifts, and I wonder if there is something he isn’t telling me. I feel my body tremble with such intensity, it’s like I’m having a fit. A groan from the bed makes us both look sideways, and I watch in horror as my real body arches repeatedly – I was having a fit.
I turn to Hawk, hoping for some assurance, realising that he has let go of my hands.
‘Don’t let go, Hawk.’ I plead, putting my hands out, but they go straight through his again – he is disappearing and I know it isn’t by choice.
‘Hawk…I don’t know what to do…tell me what to do!’ I shiver then. Whatever is happening – I want it to stop. Panic and fear grip me like a vice as I step closer. Is it me? Am I hyperventilating? I’m finding it difficult to breathe and I clutch at my throat.
‘Hawk!’ I gasp, but he is fading fast and I fall to my knees looking at him imploringly.
Hawk crumples to the ground with me, staring with wide, helpless eyes. His fear is scaring me even more and I reach out for him, feeling nothing but air.
‘I’m not fading Nevaeh, you are…’
The heart machine springs to life, sounding the alarm and we both turn to look at my other self. I can feel a coldness travel up my body and I know then that I’m dying. Hawk looks like he’s shouting, his hands are moving and I can see tears in his eyes.
‘Nevaeh…fight it…heal yourself. I’m going to try to stay with –ou, don- ive- up
‘Hawk!’
I can’t hear him properly. My body is convulsing in shivers as the cold covers every part of me. I try to concentrate, but he sounds as if he is talking through a muffler and all I can do is follow the direction his arm is pointing at. I stand up, hugging myself, as the room gets darker.