‘I’m not ready,’ I shout, and feel voiceless. I can just about see Hawk. The dark is swallowing him and me. My mind sparks, with what feels like the last bit of adrenaline, reminding me of my real body, the one that was really dying. I have to do something.
‘Please don’t die – live!’ I beg, running towards the hospital bed – towards me.
15
Cocoon
AMBER’S HOUSE
I’ve lost her, goddess help me; I’ve lost her… Hawk cries to himself. He felt like someone had ripped his heart out and tried to focus on answers, pushing the last image of Nevaeh screaming, from his mind.
The voices around him were filtering in and he opened his eyes just long enough to voice his anger. Everyone stared at him in fear; they could tell he was on the edge. After accepting a drink of water, he closed his eyes again, trying to connect with his ancestors. He muttered the meditation harmonies of his people, calling on the great spirits to guide him. He felt his mind detach, separate as he looked around. The room and everyone in it had disappeared.
From the top of a high cliff, he looked down at the familiar land of his ancestors. In the distance, smoke drifted from a village, a village he will one day enter. The cliff top was the closest he could get, the world between the living and dead could not be crossed.
Aponi, find me. He calls opening his palms.
A soft sigh is enough for Hawk to sense her presence.
Aponi’s long dark hair is braided, and she wears traditional Sioux dress, her body radiating a familiar golden light. – a light he never tired of. He holds his breath as she cups her hands before opening them to reveal a small butterfly cocoon. She always seemed to talk to him in symbols; it is the way of his people. He knows that the cocoon represents Nevaeh, for now at least. He groans, the image of Nevaeh, was raw, and he felt so helpless.
’bout time…do you know how long we’ve been sitting in one position?’ Nettles groaned before standing up slowly, wobbling.
‘I don’t think I can take another day of this – it’s been a whole week for crying out loud.’ Seth moans in unison.
‘Hello, you aren’t alone you know, I feel as if every bone has been moulded into this position. Anyway, it hasn’t been two full days, we’ve been in shifts, and if I remembered correctly, your boyfriend wasn’t even here for most of it,’ Caro muttered as she pulled her legs up to her chin. She rolled her eyes, as Nettles blew a purposeful kiss towards her boyfriend. The act was meant for her. Seth liked his sleep, always had, and as long as there were three of them, the other three could sleep.
It was hard on everyone, swopping houses – Amber’s at night, Andrea’s during the day. Andrea looked at everyone uncertainly. As totem leader, she was responsible for everyone. They even had to stagger sick days at school, so it wasn’t too obvious. Everything had to be planned in minute detail, and she had already been sent a message from the council voicing their concern. What they were doing was dangerous, and if it wasn’t for Hawk’s experience, they wouldn’t have allowed it. She kept to their instructions of taking down notes and recording Hawk’s experiences. It was the only way they could continue and she knew it was for research purposes. One of the librarians told her on the phone that they had only written records of contact, no actual proof. To be in contact with someone who hasn’t passed through the veil was rare. She grimaced at how excited Meg was and was glad Hawk hadn’t heard it - it was too personal.
Everyone seemed to be groaning except for Hawk who hadn’t moved from his lotus position in the centre for hours. When he did come out, they had to force food and water on him. No-one, not even Andrea, could believe how determined he was. Seth frowned looking at the others before reaching out with one finger to poke him – there was no response.
Outside of the circle, Andrea frowned, noticing his clenched fists as she leaned closer.
‘He’s awake.’ She mouthed before calling them to the kitchen. Everyone tiptoes after her except Amber who is still sound asleep on the couch after being removed permanently when she needed the loo. She snores as they pass making everyone giggle.
Hawk opens his eyes trying to focus. The room is spinning and he lies on the wooden floorboards of Nettles’ lounge staring at the flaking ceiling in despair before jumping to his feet. Andrea is at his side in seconds and places her hand gently on his arm.
‘What’s happening Hawk…everything okay? She’s back right?’ she asks.
Hawk looks at her then, and Andrea notices the clenched tight look of his mouth, stepping back with her hand over her mouth in horror. The others look around them silently, listening to his last moments with her and his vision. He pauses when Amber sits up stretching her arms, yawning loudly. It had taken a while before she realised that everyone was standing in the middle of Nettles’ lounge surrounding Hawk.
‘Hey guys, you finished?’ Amber groaned.
They all turn to look at her, and she holds her breath, sitting up slowly, remembering why they are here – Nevaeh! Each face seems to show a different emotion. Her eyes scan Andrea’s - it was the most telling. A face she had studied and admired for months. This face was different. The emotions were conflicted and full of fear, a fear that made her dread asking the question, but she had to. When Andrea walked over and hugged her, she knew it was bad.
‘Nevaeh?’ She whispered, her question muffled by Andrea’s shoulder. Andrea released her and chose her words carefully.
‘We don’t know…Seth’s on the phone to the hospital now…she’s…we think she’s slipping away.’
Claudine and Caro held each other before running to Hawk.
Amber sat back with a thump onto the couch, looking miserably past Andrea to Hawk. The twins were clucking sympathetically to him while pouring a glass of water for Hawk. Hawk gulped it down gratefully, and every action infuriated her. It was the way they rallied, surrounding him like he some hero. The twins didn’t care about Nevaeh – just Hawk. They didn’t even know her – how could they? Why was everyone so sorry for him? He wasn’t in a coma. She gripped the side of her head, massaging her temples. The heavy mantle of guilt felt too much. Nevaeh was coming to see her that night, and she was upset. Hawk had just left her, disappearing and not returned any of her calls. Even when Amber had tried calling him, no-one knew where he was.
That’s why she had invited her over that night. If it wasn’t for her, Nevaeh wouldn’t have met him or any of the others. Now everyone was interested in her.
Nevaeh, I’m so sorry, I got you into all of this.
She looked at him with hatred. Why did he hurt her? Couldn’t any of them see how fragile she was? Now look at him, making out he is so upset, putting everyone through a week’s rota of trancing. Amber felt like she was seeing everyone for the first time; if it wasn’t for Hawk’s vision, they wouldn’t have given Nevaeh a second glance. She hadn’t even inherited anything. Everyone here had at least one totem family member to vouch for them. Amber’s father, the one she never saw since he ran out on them, was one, although he was exiled because of bad behaviour. Nevaeh was adopted, she could be anyone. So could Hawk, and his family were Sioux Indians - for crying out loud. When she heard Hawk was teaching trancing to Nevaeh, she couldn’t believe it.