Pretending to be happy, for a non-totem when you were waiting for initiation was difficult enough. Amber’s anger turned to rage.
This was complete bullshit!
She spoke so softly at first that her voice almost dissolved in the rumble of voices.
‘I don’t understand…you’re supposed to help her.’ Andrea and Nettles were the only ones to turn towards her frowning. The fire inside her blazed while she continued to stare at him.
‘Did you hear me? Yes. You - the great trancer.’ She ignored the intake of breath from everyone. ‘You might as well have let her die!’ Her voice rose as she pushed herself back up to a standing position.
The rest of the group held their breath looking from Amber to Hawk. After staring at her for a deathly few minutes, Hawk turned on his heels slamming the door. She felt cheated, and it inflamed her anger even more. Without thinking, she ran after him as he was getting into his car.
‘Run, you coward – you did this to her and you made me do the same. We both might as well have killed her.’ She screamed. Hawk swung round to face her, his keys jingling in his hand as he strode back.
‘You’re right – we did!’ His voice was hard and fixed like his grim face, and it felt like forever before he pulled his eyes away. Amber felt like cold water had been thrown onto her, and reeled with the effects. By agreeing, he had just pronounced her a murderer.
16
Challenges
The group broke into a frenzy with everyone talking at once. She closed the door quietly before leaning against it. She didn’t expect to find the entire group standing there. Seth was the first to speak.
‘Are you insane? Can’t you see how broken up the guy is Amber?’ Seth pushed his hand through his striped hair while Claudine and Caro spat at her angrily. Seth stopped when she turned towards him with tortured eyes, looking away. Amber looked scarier than normal with her black eyeliner smudged down her face. Her voice was quiet even though her breathing was shallow as she looked at everyone.
‘I just did what you asked. I made friends with Nevaeh. And now I’m a murderer, not you – me. I’m not even a full member. I’m just me – Amber, the one you won’t teach to trance. You never intended to teach me did you, any of you? Just wanted me to bring in Nevaeh, but for what? You never told me anything, just that Hawk had a vision, that she was important. Look at what we’ve all done.’
She held her hands out as if they had blood on them and they were trembling. The silence told her all she needed to know. Only Andrea tried to reach out to her, concern etched on her face. Amber waved her away, before bunching her fists against her temples. She groped blindly for her bag, trying to free it from the cushions on the couch which knocked over a lit candle. Claudine immediately stamped it out, but Amber didn’t notice, she just wanted to escape. She knew where she was really wanted, and it wasn’t here.
Nettles pulled away from Seth’s grasp, positioning herself in front of Amber.
‘Before you leave Amber, you need to remember one thing. We are family here, all of us and just because you’re not ready yet, does not mean that we don’t count you as one of our own.’ Nettles’ voice was stern and normally the voice of reason. Now it irritated her.
Amber looked at her moodily.
She noticed how Claudine and Caro stepped behind Nettles, forming a battle group. Even Seth looked smug as he wound his arms round Nettles’ waist. She felt her temper flare again. The idea of being part of another group was starting to become tempting, really tempting.
‘Are you finished?’ Amber whispered gritting her teeth. She heard the group breath in together. Andrea moved between them, Nettles was known for her temper. She kept her voice soft.
‘Amber you can’t change yet, you’re not ready and even if you are, the totem initiation is a big deal. It takes weeks of planning and council members need to be present.’
She tried to put her hand on her shoulder, but Amber pulled away. Deep down, she knew what Andrea was saying was true, but she did feel ready. She had read the sacred rites until she knew them by heart. The only part she didn’t like was being naked outside. When a totem joined with you for the first time it was because you were chosen. Clothes, she was told, always confused the totem when it was released from Gaia. No-one knew how she had planned and written her ideas for months. The initiation was the most important moment of her whole life. She dreamt of it, and imagined the three who would be part of the ceremony. There would also be a member of the council there which is why she had chosen to memorise everything. She dreamt about her totem and couldn’t wait for one to choose her. According to the book of Gaia, this happened when the doorway between the mortal and immortal world opened. Part of her was sad but today just confirmed her decision to go somewhere else.
Don’t listen to them Amber, they still need you, just in case she wakes up. Think about why don’t want you to leave yet.
Although the voice confirms what she felt, it also makes her flustered, and she drops her bag. They took this as a sign that she was staying, and she felt the atmosphere lighten. Before she could say anything, she was back on the couch and they were doing the hug pile up.
‘I’m so glad you’re staying, you’re not a murderer…no-one is. Only Gaia decides when life is taken or given.’ Nettles whispered before kissing her loudly on her cheek. She reddened then, doubt creeping in. Nettles sounded like she actually meant it and even Claudine and Caro seemed sincere.
‘We were only initiated just before you joined us, we’re still new. And we had to wait ages,’ Claudine said rubbing at the tears on Amber’s cheeks.
‘Ages,’ Caro nodded Amber couldn’t control the small smile that crept its way onto her cheek, reddening when Andrea crouched down in front of her. Her face was different, she was serious.
‘Your time will come Amber, but for now we have to concentrate on protecting Nevaeh. She’s at risk in the hospital. She felt the voice from before listening, pushing a question into her head.
‘Isn’t Hawk putting himself and us more at risk by being seen? I mean, he was driving – is he going to the hospital? What was the name of the hospital again?’ She sat back stunned at what she had just asked. It was too obvious, and Andrea looked at her steadily.
‘I mean, in the book it says that trancing is Gaia’s gift to us – why not use that. Why even drive at all?’ She forced herself to laugh still reeling from the question and wished at this moment for a little privacy. They had told her it was for her protection, but now she realised it was to spy on the group. She felt like she was living two lives and the pounding in her head became more intense.
I can’t do this.
Keep calm Amber. She felt a soft touch to her temples and briefly closed her eyes in ecstasy. The pounding was gone, and she felt calmer than she had for days. She knew it was his magic touch and even now, he was looking out for her. It took her a while to notice that Andrea was still staring at her. For one moment, Amber thought she suspected but how could she? She almost laughed in relief when Andrea smiled at her.
‘That’s a good point Amber. I can see now that you’ve been studying hard. I’ll make sure that I put through an application for initiation this month – how’s that?’ Seth and Nettles called Andrea over before Amber had time to respond. Her mind was reeling: Now she offered it to her, why now, when it was too late? She felt miserable again. Andrea clapped her on the leg before standing up, misreading her face. ‘Don’t worry; I know you’ve been studying.’ She smiled before heading over to Seth and Nettles who were eager to join with their totems. She felt numb, realisation settling in. Andrea had really been listening all these months when she had told her about her studies. She wasn’t being ignored and for the first time, she started to feel guilt, real guilt.