‘God, he's so sexy...don't you think? And he’s looking at you.’ Amber' made me jump at the way she crept up behind me. But it was her voice that was worse, it wasn’t the most subtle whisper, and I could swear he was listening.
‘I know you, and you know me.’ I think, holding my breath as he approached.
‘Hawk, this is Nevaeh, and this is her first time.’ Andrea said, snapping me out of my trance.
‘Nevaeh…’ he whispered, and I felt goose bumps all over my body at the way he curled his tongue round my name. Before I could say anything, he was pulled away by the twins, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
‘So rude.’ Amber whispered and I bit my lip, trying to keep it together. I didn’t miss the look of irritation that flashed across his face and even Andrea looked annoyed. I continued to stare at him from across the room, the first traces of jealousy setting in. I felt irritated by the way the twins hovered round him, flicking their hair and arching their backs.
I know you, and you know me. I damn my thoughts, and it’s hard to concentrate on the others. I did try, smiling at the appropriate time when Seth dipped Nettles down for a dramatic kiss. I even talked to Amber about her clothes but I wasn’t really listening, my eyes continuously darting back to him.
He’s talking quietly to Andrea in the corner of the room now, and from their body language, it’s quite intense. All I notice is the way he bites then licks his lips, imagining what it would be like to kiss them. When he paused, and half turned his face, I blushed, wondering if I was making my thoughts obvious.
I suddenly felt hot, too hot and pushed my hair from my face.
‘Hey, are you okay?’ Caro asked bluntly. A little too bluntly and I felt the blush deepen, cringing, when everyone including him turned to stare at me.
‘Yes, I mean no, I’ve got a bit of a headache, I’m sorry, I need to go home.’ I hated lying and knew that it didn’t sound convincing. Most of all, I didn’t look in his direction. The urge to escape was strong. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I needed to go home, to think. I somehow managed to ignore the protests, the loudest coming from Amber who I side stepped. After promising her, that I really had a headache and it wasn’t anything else, I stepped outside.
The wind seemed to mimic my anxiety and I pulled my hoodie as far as it would go over the sides of my face, covering my icy ears. I didn’t see the cyclist or hear the ringing of the bell as it sped past until it was too late.
Now, I’m on my knees, the contents of my bag spilling everywhere. Thoughts of the shadow returning make me scream in frustration. I even toy with the idea of leaving it. When a hand touched my shoulder, fear locked up a scream in my throat.
‘Are you alright?’
I nod like an idiot. It takes me another second to realise that my mouth is still open. It’s him and I’m not certain whether to breathe a sigh of relief or panic that he’d followed me. What if the dream was a bad omen? I remember the hands pulling me into the earth.
‘Are you sure?’ he repeats.
I nod again, still not looking at him, only aware of the contents of my bag as I sweep everything up, embarrassed by my collection of junk.
‘Stand up slowly,’ he instructed, his voice is soft and I let him pull me up. I can feel the tension in his arms – he’s strong and it makes me feel calmer.
‘Time to take you home,’ he says sternly and I’m almost comforted by the worry that is etched onto his face. I feel myself blushing, something I hadn’t felt a few minutes ago. I hoped he didn’t notice. The thought of him being a bad omen, of being dangerous made me smile at my idiocy.
‘Something amusing?’ He bent his head to look at me
‘Hmm? Nope, it’s just…’ I shake my head, feeling embarrassed when he extends his arm to me. It was so old fashioned but it made me feel safer. We didn’t speak all the way to my house, and I’m torn between wanting to be inside with my thoughts and making the most of walking with him. I inhale deeply when we both step up to the front step. I know that if he kisses me, I will kiss him back and the thought surprises even me. When his lips brush my forehead, I’m surprised at how upset I am. I must have misread everything. I’m such an idiot. Then he cups my chin with one hand, pulling it up, so that I’m staring into his eyes. I think I stopped breathing, although nothing could have prepared me for what he said next.
‘I know you, and you know me.’ He whispered before melting back into the night, like a dream.
4
Totems and things
THREE WEEKS EARLIER – FRIDAY AGAIN
I can hear voices, the female’s voice tears at me like sandpaper, while the males’ soothes like silk. I’m confused, where am I? A deer speeds past, followed by other animals and I can feel their fear. I can see someone in the woods. She is lying on the floor, her body covered in earth and leaves. Her heart-shaped face stares up at me. Sad, sea-green eyes well up with tears and I know she is in pain, I can feel it. I have a recollection of words, a hidden memory and know that I need to speak, but my mind is frozen. I try to cry out, but she is disappearing, buried alive beneath the earth. I wake up pawing the air, gasping for breath.
I had managed to steer clear of everyone, last week. I even cancelled Sunday lunch with Amber by text, feigning another headache, feigning a migraine. I’m still struggling to understand what was happening with Hawk. I couldn’t deal with her asking me about it. I promised myself I’d make it up to her, just not yet. I didn’t sit under the tree at break but in the library. Amber tried to catch my attention, but I pretended to bury myself in my work.
Mr Harris, our English teacher, was describing the symbolic nature of dreams in ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. It was one of my favourites. Nymphs and the woodland creatures felt so real to me.
‘Does anyone believe in dreams?’
Hands shoot up, and I think of my own dreams. Lately, they were getting more intense.
‘Jay has dreams all the time and sometimes he finds them on his sheets.’ Paul laughed and the class burst into laughter. Mr Harris turned a dark shade of purple.
‘Mmm…I’ll ignore that. Nevaeh? Do you think dreams can represent reality?'
The room was silent, and I felt my face become hot.
‘I suppose that if we have worries they change shape and become symbolic. It’s our way of working out our dreams – where rational things are interwoven with the irrational.’ My voice is shaky and the obvious silence around me makes me uncomfortable. I knew I had broken the cool code and answered like a complete geek. I can’t help it, dreams are my thing now.
‘Jeesuz, Nevaeh…’ Amber sounded shocked, and the reaction was echoed by the class. I felt like my cheeks were going to burn up. Jay and Paul giggle nearby repeating the only word they understood – interwoven.
‘Its all interwoven, like this…’ Paul mocked, pronouncing each word. I don’t look, but whatever he was doing it made everyone laugh. I bent my head down, pulling my hair over my face.
‘Alright class settle down. A real answer for once, nicely done, Nevaeh. Meanwhile, the rest of you can write on essay on dreams and their symbolism. Perhaps…’ he repeated, shouting over the uproar. ‘Perhaps, some of you might learn something.