I couldn’t wait to get home. Although they didn’t say anything, I knew everyone blamed me. Finals were just round the corner and now they had extra homework. I heard Amber turn on a few of them, and for the first time, I was grateful to Amber and guilty for ignoring her. I just wish I had kept quiet. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Last night’s dreams were too real, like my earth dreams. I always came back with something. This morning my nails were broken, and clogged with dirt. I inhaled the fresh air, glad it’s Friday. It was exhausting running away from everyone.
Amber caught up with me outside of school and her heavy breathing reminded me of that night.
I almost felt sorry for her again but stopped myself.
‘You wanna do something this weekend?’ She breathed and before I could say anything, she held up her hands for me to stop.
‘Nevaeh, did we do anything wrong…?’ she paused; a fleeting look of worry crossed her face.’
‘Or did Hawk, y’know, when he walked you home. If he did, he’ll regret it...’
She let the threat hang, and I wanted to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about, but blushing and shaking my head was the best I could do. Amber’s face transformed into a look of astonishment.
‘What happened? Tell me everything.’ She stepped closer and I hovered my foot behind me before leaning backwards; I hate crowding. I told her what she wanted to know, from the cyclist to the door, nothing else, especially about knowing me.
‘Did he say anything?’ I blurted, annoyed that I’d fallen into her trap of asking questions. I wanted to pull the words back the moment I said them. I felt even worse when I saw the glint in her eye. ‘Maybe,’ she said tilting her head mysteriously. I felt irritated, she reminded me a little of Jo-Jo, always holding back, just a little. I turned to leave.
‘Hey, I’m only joking - yes, he asked about you when you didn’t go to our last meeting. Even though you promised me you would go.’ I felt guilt rush through me. I was starting to get the feeling that Amber didn’t feel like she was part of anything, and was more of an outsider.
‘I’m sorry; I’ll go to the next one – okay?’
Amber smiled, her red lipstick, spreading comically across her face. I wanted to tell her that some of the red stain was on her teeth, but we weren’t that close.
I was still puzzling over what he said when I got home.
By the time I had grabbed a sandwich and headed to my room Amber had already sent me a text. I shook my head in disbelief - she wanted to know if I could attend a meeting tonight. I tried to say no, but she begged me. Apparently to get to the next level, whatever that was, she had to introduce someone and that someone was me. But I had to go for one month.
‘It’s only one month,’ she complained. One month felt like forever and I wished I’d never mentioned going to the next meeting. I wanted to see Hawk and yet I didn’t. I couldn’t make up my mind. My life seemed so complicated, and the thought of seeing him again so soon made my stomach knot. I didn’t know how to feel or act.
Standing outside of her house tonight, I could feel the tension returning and a hundred excuses flooded through me, some of them were ridiculous. This wasn’t me, I reasoned to myself. I was happy with one friend -Jo-Jo. I didn’t like socialising, preferring to spend time in the woods. Amber pulled the door open and grinned wickedly. She seemed too pleased to see me, and I felt underdressed in my white top and jacket and pale jeans. I stared at her, with her high heels and long black jacket and by the noise that drifted from inside, everyone was already there.
‘Don’t step in,’ a voice seemed to whisper. ‘Just turn and walk away.’ But I didn’t. It had already darkened outside, even though it was early evening. And when a sudden wind tore at my hair pulling and knotting it, it made my decision for me. I stepped inside quickly, brushing down my hair. Only then did I see the back of him. He seemed to be in mid conversation and the butterflies returned.
‘Look, all the candles have been lit. Caro brought these Chinese bag things, how great are they?’ Amber gushed. I tried to concentrate on the glowing brown bags that were littered along the hallway but it was difficult to focus.
Hawk turned slowly in my direction, the same dark intense eyes sweeping over me. From behind him, Andrea frowned slightly, before smiling. I never knew where I stood with her.
For a split second, it felt like everyone had vanished, when Hawk walked towards me. My legs turned to jelly and I held my breath as he bent to hug me.
‘Nevaeh, I’ve missed you,’ he whispered. His hand drifting to mine and I let him lead me towards the lounge. For that one moment, I felt like the most important person in the world and wondered why I had made such a big deal of this.
‘Are you ready to learn something different from school?’ Hawk asked and I stared up at him in confusion.
‘No meditation?’
He shook his head. ‘No meditation, not tonight. Tonight we relax as a group and get to know each other.’ I gave him a sideways glance, his meaning couldn’t be clearer.
Inside, there were more of the Chinese candle bags and loads of cushions thrown onto the floor. Amber had outdone herself this time. The cushions, I noticed were arranged in a messy circle. I watched how Andrea seemed to almost slide over the larger cushions while the twins curled up nearby. Not Amber; she missed one completely and for a moment everyone caught sight of her underwear under the skirt. They all giggled including me and when the slow mumble of talking rose, I felt my body relax. If only they had done this before. I suppose it was the way he held my hand or plumped up a large cushion for both of us to sit on. I felt protected and the anxiety fell away.
Everyone seemed to be talking to someone, and the atmosphere, for once, felt normal. I took a drink that was offered, pleased it wasn’t anything alcoholic. I can’t drink, never have been able to. I tried once with Jo-Jo and one sip made me ill for hours.
'What do you think your totem is?' Hawk asked his voice soft. I turned to him just as he brushed a curl from his eyes, the movement and question seemed so intimate that I blushed.
'er...Totem?'
Amber giggled. Even from across the room with the twins, she was openly listening until Hawk frowned at her. Behind her, I noticed how the wind had picked up outside. A small branch from a silver birch, scraped at the window like it was trying to get in. Tidwell was surrounded by silver birches - they grew like weeds, around the houses, and weren’t allowed to be cut down without permission.
‘Hey, you okay?’
I nodded, reddening. ‘oh yes, totem.’ I muttered. It was so easy to get distracted. Hawk shifted on the cushion, cupping both of my hands in his. I wanted to push the hair away from his eyes again but knew I wouldn’t, not yet. He smiled, pushing it to the side.
'A totem could be anything, from the four elements, of fire, water, air and earth to the animals. It’s similar to horoscopes in a way. We believe that everyone was born with a totem that mimicked their personality. Later, when you connect with your totem, you connect fully with Gaia, mother nature.’ He smiled and even though I was looking at him blankly, I was mesmerised.
‘Mine is the Hawk, look,’ he added softly. I shivered. I had already seen it, admired it in my dreams and even kissed it. He chuckled then, looking away, and I wondered who he was laughing at.
‘What do you think my totem is?’ I whispered.
He stared at me with those strange intense eyes of his and I felt my heart rate increase.
‘Well, you’re fiery, passionate, but as far as an animal guide to go with the elements? Not sure.’ He shook his head, puzzled. My eyes darted to the branch outside; it was almost tapping an S.O.S. warning in time with my heart. I suddenly felt nervous, uncertain and wished I knew why.