She hoped, however, that her miracle would be taken back and given to someone who truly needed it. She didnt suggest to anyone that they accompany her in hopes of receiving the miracle she was returning, feeling that that wouldve been presumptuous, but she privately considered her pilgrimage a request on behalf of those who were in need.
Her friends and family were confused at Janices decision, seeing it as questioning God. As word spread, she received many letters from followers, variously expressing dismay, bafflement, and admiration for her willingness to make such a sacrifice.
As for Ethan, he was completely supportive of Janices decision, and excited for himself. He now understood the significance of Rashiels visitation for him: it indicated that the time had come for him to act. His wife Claire strenuously opposed his leaving, pointing out that he had no idea how long he might be away, and that she and their children needed him too. It grieved him to go without her support, but he had no choice. Ethan would go on a pilgrimage, and at the next visitation, he would learn what God intended for him.
Neils visit to Sarahs parents caused him to give further thought to his conversation with Benny Vasquez. While he hadnt gotten a lot out of Bennys words, hed been impressed by the absoluteness of Bennys devotion. No matter what misfortune befell him in the future, Bennys love of God would never waver, and he would ascend to Heaven when he died. That fact offered Neil a very slim opportunity, one that had seemed so unattractive he hadnt considered it before; but now, as he was growing more desperate, it was beginning to look expedient.
Every holy site had its pilgrims who, rather than looking for a miracle cure, deliberately sought out Heavens light. Those who saw it were always accepted into Heaven when they died, no matter how selfish their motives had been; there were some who wished to have their ambivalence removed so they could be reunited with their loved ones, and others whod always lived a sinful life and wanted to escape the consequences.
In the past thered been some doubt as to whether Heavens light could indeed overcome all the spiritual obstacles to becoming saved. The debate ended after the case of Barry Larsen, a serial rapist and murderer who, while disposing of the body of his latest victim, witnessed an angels visitation and saw Heavens light. At Larsens execution, his soul was seen ascending to Heaven, much to the outrage of his victims families. Priests tried to console them, assuring themon the basis of no evidence whatsoeverthat Heavens light must have subjected Larsen to many lifetimes worth of penance in a moment, but their words provided little comfort.
For Neil this offered a loophole, an answer to Phil Soames objection; it was the one way that he could love Sarah more than he loved God, and still be reunited with her. It was how he could be selfish and still get into Heaven. Others had done it; perhaps he could too. It might not be just, but at least it was predictable.
At an instinctual level, Neil was averse to the idea: it sounded like undergoing brainwashing as a cure for depression. He couldnt help but think that it would change his personality so drastically that hed cease to be himself. Then he remembered that everyone in Heaven had undergone a similar transformation; the saved were just like the eyeless except that they no longer had bodies. This gave Neil a clearer image of what he was working toward: no matter whether he became devout by seeing Heavens light or by a lifetime of effort, any ultimate reunion with Sarah couldnt re-create what theyd shared in the mortal plane. In Heaven, they would both be different, and their love for each other would be mixed with the love that all the saved felt for everything.
This realization didnt diminish Neils longing for a reunion with Sarah. In fact it sharpened his desire, because it meant that the reward would be the same no matter what means he used to achieve it; the shortcut led to precisely the same destination as the conventional path.
On the other hand, seeking Heavens light was far more difficult than an ordinary pilgrimage, and far more dangerous. Heavens light leaked through only when an angel entered or left the mortal plane, and since there was no way to predict where an angel would first appear, light-seekers had to converge on the angel after its arrival and follow it until its departure. To maximize their chances of being in the narrow shaft of Heavens light, they followed the angel as closely as possible during its visitation; depending on the angel involved, this might mean staying alongside the funnel of a tornado, the wavefront of a flash flood, or the expanding tip of a chasm as it split apart the landscape. Far more light-seekers died in the attempt than succeeded.
Statistics about the souls of failed light-seekers were difficult to compile, since there were few witnesses to such expeditions, but the numbers so far were not encouraging. In sharp contrast to ordinary pilgrims who died without receiving their sought-after cure, of which roughly half were admitted into Heaven, every single failed light-seeker had descended to Hell. Perhaps only people who were already lost ever considered seeking Heavens light, or perhaps death in such circumstances was considered suicide. In any case, it was clear to Neil that he needed to be ready to accept the consequences of embarking on such an attempt.
The entire idea had an all-or-nothing quality to it that Neil found both frightening and attractive. He found the prospect of going on with his life, trying to love God, increasingly maddening. He might try for decades and not succeed. He might not even have that long; as hed been reminded so often lately, visitations served as a warning to prepare ones soul, because death might come at any time. He could die tomorrow, and there was no chance of his becoming devout in the near future by conventional means.
Its perhaps ironic that, given his history of not following Janice Reillys example, Neil took notice when she reversed her position. He was eating breakfast when he happened to see an item in the newspaper about her plans for a pilgrimage, and his immediate reaction was anger: how many blessings would it take to satisfy that woman? After considering it more, he decided that if she, having received a blessing, deemed it appropriate to seek Gods assistance in coming to terms with it, then there was no reason he, having received such terrible misfortune, shouldnt do the same. And that was enough to tip him over the edge.
Holy sites were invariably in inhospitable places: one was an atoll in the middle of the ocean, while another was in the mountains at an elevation of 20,000 ft. The one that Neil traveled to was in a desert, an expanse of cracked mud reaching miles in every direction; it was desolate, but it was relatively accessible and thus popular among pilgrims. The appearance of the holy site was an object lesson in what happened when the celestial and terrestrial realms touched: the landscape was variously scarred by lava flows, gaping fissures, and impact craters. Vegetation was scarce and ephemeral, restricted to growing in the interval after soil was deposited by floodwaters or whirlwinds and before it was scoured away again.
Pilgrims took up residence all over the site, forming temporary villages with their tents and camper vans; they all made guesses as to what location would maximize their chances of seeing the angel while minimizing the risk of injury or death. Some protection was offered by curved banks of sandbags, left over from years past and rebuilt as needed. A site-specific paramedic and fire department ensured that paths were kept clear so rescue vehicles could go where they were needed. Pilgrims either brought their own food and water or purchased them from vendors charging exorbitant prices; everyone paid a fee to cover the cost of waste removal.