THE STORY OF A MADMAN
To put the reader at ease, I need to state from the start that I am not crazy. And if anything could be proven by words, the fact I am affirming my lucidity should be enough to show I am in full possession of my faculties.
I know I may seem crazy at times. It’s true, it doesn’t take much for that to happen. But let’s be clear. To be sure, I may often seem crazy, but not so much so that two people would bother mentioning it to each other. I seem just crazy enough for one person to think so without his neighbor thinking so as well. And if I always provoke this feeling by some ridiculous action or question, I must say that I manage to stop myself when I sense that this inner misgiving might be externalized. If I do this it’s not to amuse myself, nor is it to make fun of the people for whom I am putting on an act; nor is it to ennoble myself in my own eyes by inflicting some kind of humiliation on someone. I do it simply, perhaps precisely because I am crazy.
No, I am not crazy. I just wrote what I did because I was driven by the need to explain illogical acts. And when one has such a need for clarity, I guarantee you, one is not crazy.
Still. None of that is important. It has no relation to the story you are about to read.
But what is oddest of all is that I have no willpower. I have always done just as I please. Fortunately, I am a good person at heart. I have no inclination to do harm. Otherwise I would surely have come to a bad end. I would have gone to prison. I would have killed people who had not done anything to me.
It’s quite funny. It’s funny because you will see with what willpower I have acted. They cried, they begged me, and I did not bend. It’s funnier and funnier. Honestly, I am both an odd and a likable guy. I am a man who will no doubt succeed in life, who will do great things.
But wait. Let us proceed in an orderly fashion. A person who does not put his mind in order is lost. Without order, nothing is possible. I who, according to what some people claim, am half mad, will show you how reasonable I am.
Above all, you need to understand who I am. I never knew my mother. I was raised by my father, which made me precociously mature. You cannot imagine how good I am. My goodness is so immense that everyone has always made fun of me, and the most incredible things have happened to me. I would not say I am incapable of killing a fly, for does any man exist who has no fits of bad temper? What makes me sad is that I have never been able to provide examples of my goodness. It seems to me that goodness held up as an example is not goodness anymore. But that’s something else entirely. Don’t be afraid, I am not losing my train of thought. I will recount the story you are about to read without going off track. The only thing I can tell you is that I am truly good. I assure you. I swear it. And what I swear is true. I am not like some other people who swear to anything on their parents’ lives.
I cannot bear to see someone suffer, and as a result it would seem I am incapable of doing any harm. But this is not so! You will be surprised at what I did. Suddenly, I discovered in myself unsuspected strength, which is the mark of great youth, and I plunged everyone around me into the deepest distress, including my parents and the woman I love. Yes, that is what I did. And now that I am free, now that everything is over, I wonder if I won’t regret it.
How could I have done that, I who am so good and whose heart melts into tears at the slightest pain felt by someone else? It’s incomprehensible, and that is why I am writing this story. Perhaps there will be someone to explain it, to feel sorry for me, because there is no question that strangers can be closer than friends.
As I said earlier, we are going to proceed in an orderly fashion so that everyone can understand what happened. But here’s the thing. At bottom, nothing happened. My poor head aches. I wish everyone could understand immediately what is seething in my brain without my having to write about it. That would simplify everything. What can I do? I like what is simple. As soon as I attempt to explain complicated feelings, I become confused and begin to lose my concentration. It’s very funny. I can see the thoughts that are in the foreground of my mind very clearly, but as soon as I try to go behind them, I find myself in a haze.
So, in order to be able to finish this story, I am going to recount it as simply as can be. It would be ridiculous to begin like this, very clearly, and then become confused at the end without the reader having been able to understand what I meant. And not only would it be ridiculous, but there would be no hope for me in the reader’s eyes. It would be better for me to write calmly, taking my time, and then you would understand me and say I am right. You’ll see that the people who think badly of me are wrong and that, despite what I did, I am a reasonable man.
If you doubt this, you should tell me. I won’t get angry. I am intelligent enough to grasp that everyone may be right. No, I won’t get angry. I will then find out that something in me is not normal. I will look after myself. I will take trips, I will get my mind off things, and later, when I feel better, when no one will be able to speak badly of me anymore, I will tell this story again. And this time, people will be forced to understand what I meant.
Now I will begin. Pay attention. Let’s be serious. I am about to begin. The first thing I have to say, which to my mind is very important, is that everything you are about to read is true. I am inventing nothing. This whole thing happened to me yesterday. I plunged everyone who knows me into sadness. And for the first time in my life, I am not suffering. I was right to act as I did. If I had hurt only one person, I would be unhappy today. But since everyone is crying because of me, I am smiling. I am alone. I am not suffering. Everything was perfectly calculated. We shall see what will happen now. I am gathering all my strength to remain in this state. I am fine. Everything happened the way I thought it would. I did not have to face any unforeseen circumstances, which no doubt would have disconcerted me. Now, my life’s goal has been attained. My happiness will not be compromised by some blunder. What will happen tomorrow? I have no idea. But for the moment, all is well. So let’s not talk about all that anymore. Let’s examine the facts.
* * *
Yesterday morning I woke up as usual at about eight o’clock. My eyes were not shocked by some unexpected position of the hands on my watch. So everything was starting out very well.
If you had seen me in my bed, you would have laughed. I did not move when I awoke. I did not move a muscle. I gazed at the ceiling. I closed my eyes again for no reason. I opened them again. I closed them again. It was funny.
None of that is serious. There is something much more serious. I made my family suffer, and my friends.
Now I am writing. You can see that I am writing because you are reading what I write. Well, they are suffering, they are suffering because of me. But I must not feel sorry or else I won’t finish this story, and that would be a shame.
Yes, had you seen me in bed, you would have laughed aloud. Had you seen how serious I was when I woke up! It was as if a scientist had awoken. Well, I don’t want to dwell on that. It’s only of secondary interest. What follows is much more serious. Now I must write seriously. You can imagine that if I am writing now, with my head aching, it is because I have something important to say, otherwise I would go out for a stroll.
So, it was eight in the morning. I waited a few minutes before getting up. That’s natural. Everyone does that. I don’t have to hide it. And I got dressed. Yes, I got dressed. So you see! If I were what some people think, I would have gone out naked. I dressed slowly, but I did dress. I was in no hurry. I had the whole day before me. I ate breakfast as usual. I put on my hat and went out.