Now pay attention! We are nearing the serious, very serious thing. No more smiling. Don’t think that it bothers me if someone smiles while I am speaking seriously. I don’t care. But now I am asking you, humbly, not to smile. It is too serious. Pay attention, reader! Read these lines by yourself. No one should be around you. I too am alone. We are both alone. Pay attention. Lock the door. Mine is already closed. You will see what happened. Shhh! Shhh! Listen. Don’t get up, don’t move. So. I was at my father’s. I was allowed into his bedroom because I am his son. So I saw my father in his shirtsleeves. He’s quite ugly like that. I can’t look at him. My father must be completely dressed, or else I feel ill at ease.
“Father!”
He turned around. He has a thick black beard and almost no hair on his head. He was surprised. He did not know why I had come. He suspected nothing. Ha! He did not know what I was about to tell him. But I knew. Everything was prepared in my mind. Nothing could make me change, not even his surprise. Nothing. I was determined. Ha! My poor father. He was about to know and he did not know yet.
“Father!”
“What is it?”
Don’t think that I started to laugh. No, I am not like that. I came because of something serious. So I had to act appropriately in his presence.
“Father, I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, go ahead.”
Watch out! Watch out! You’re going to see what I said. Ha! But it’s true. I said it in a firm voice. I could have weakened at the last moment. But I did not! I am finished with weakness. I am fed up with always changing my mind in front of someone. I want to be myself. After all, I’m a man. I fought in the war. I have seen dead people. It’s over now. Ah, yes. It’s good to obey when one is a child. Now everything has changed. My life is before me. You’ll see right away that I’m not lying, that I am also capable of great deeds. Ha! Now no one can say that I have no willpower.
“Tell me what you need to tell me!”
“I don’t want to see you anymore, Father.”
“You don’t want to see me anymore?”
“No. That’s what I’ve decided.”
“You’re mad.”
“No, I am not mad. If I were mad, I would know it, and I would not have made a decision like this.”
“What’s wrong, son? You must be ill.”
“No, I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“But what is it? You haven’t slept. You’re losing your mind.”
“It’s settled.”
“I’m going to have you locked up.”
“I am twenty years old. I am free to do as I please.”
“Explain yourself.”
“I won’t.”
“Why, why? I don’t understand what you mean. Not see me anymore?”
“Yes.”
“There’s no reason. You are free. You come here whenever you want.”
Ha! I left very quietly, without answering my father’s questions. He was still speaking and I was already outside. I could hear him through the door. Hmm, I was wrong to laugh. My father must be suffering! Poor Father, I loved you so! You alone had affection for me. Poor Father. Now you no longer have a son. You are suffering. You must be crying. And I, I am here in this locked room. Ha ha! You no longer have a child, my dearest father, you who thought I would always be beside you to brighten your old age! My smile will not warm your aged heart. The name you bear and of which you are so proud will die with you. You won’t know the joy of welcoming your child in your solitary retirement. Just when you thought you would at last live out peaceful days, when it seemed that the rigors of life would leave you alone so that you could regain the childlike soul that a man must have in order to die without suffering, once again I plunged you into pain. Farewell, poor Father. Don’t be angry with your son. He did what he had to do. Soon death will come and set you free.
* * *
But this story is not finished. I have a girlfriend whom I love more than anything in the world. She is beautiful, more beautiful than every other woman because I love her. Not a minute goes by when I don’t think about her. I love her so much that when I am far from her it always seems to me that I have not been as kind as I should have been. Now, like my father, she is suffering. I am sure my beloved Monique is suffering.
I went to her place. Monique is the only woman I have ever loved passionately. Monique is blond, her eyes are blue, and her skin so delicate that the slightest stroke leaves a mark.
Monique! I’ll never see you again. Poor Monique, how you will suffer, you who should never have known the ugly side of life! You are twenty and already you have lost all your illusions. You were made to go through life in a glow of happiness. And I, coward that I am, no longer wanted to see you. I’ve shattered your youth. Monique, do not forgive me. Suffer in silence until all is forgotten. Yes, suffer, my beloved. You will still know moments of happiness when you remember me. You will recall my silly, childish words. They won’t make you laugh as they did before, but they will remind you of so many delightful moments.
I went to Monique’s. My heart was pounding as I was about to knock on her door. She was asleep when I entered her bedroom. I saw her, half-naked, in her bed. I looked at her for a long time before waking her. You don’t know why I looked at her? Ha! It was so she would be embarrassed when I told her. Yes, I looked at her for a long time. She is so young and healthy that her sleep is restful. I was not simply looking at someone who had slept well. I was looking at a young woman completely prepared to live life again until the following evening.
I went up to the bed and woke her with the tenderness of someone who has been close to the sleeping person for a long time. She opened her eyes and immediately the blue of her pupils dazzled me. She stretched a rosy arm above her curls, an adorable arm, an arm that extended from shoulder to hand without a bend at the elbow. She raised a knee beneath the sheets with no trouble because her legs are not long. Then she turned her head toward me. A loving smile appeared on her face, still warm from trouble-free dreams.
She had no idea, poor Monique, of what I had come to tell her. She thought I was going to lie down next to her, kiss her, and that she would ask me to make silly faces to amuse her.
No, I am not like that. When I’ve made up my mind about something I do not back down. You have to have absolutely no willpower to assign yourself a task and not carry it out. You have to be a man with no backbone. I am not like that. You’ll see exactly what I said to my beloved Monique, what I had decided to tell her. I did not weaken my resolve at any moment. Nonetheless, I could have felt sorry for her. I am not heartless. When someone cries in my presence, well, it moves me. No, I resisted. I wanted to show once and for all who I am.
“Monique!”
“Fernand.”
Watch out here. I am going to bring you deep inside me. You will understand. Listen carefully. I love Monique. She loves me.
“Listen, Monique, I have to leave you.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you for good.”
Monique sat up in bed. For the first time, she looked me in the eyes. But she could not read anything there because my eyes do not betray me. Ha! Eyes are like a nose. They are always the same.
“Are you crazy, Fernand?”
“I am not crazy.”
“But where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you for good.”
Then, getting out of bed, she wrapped her arms around me.
“Fernand, Fernand, you’re mad. What’s wrong? You know I love you and only you. Do you have anything to reproach me for? Tell me so I can defend myself.”