Horror filled Hildie. That man would have kidnapped Carolyn. She and Trip never would’ve found her. Oh, God, thank You. She hadn’t been looking out for her daughter. But God had.
“That’s why you crept into Charlie’s room and slept with him.”
“Yes, and when you told me to stop, I’d hide in my closet.” She shuddered and moved away slightly so they could face one another. “I heard you and Dad talking about Dock. I was afraid you’d figured out what I’d done and I would be in trouble. But you never did.”
Hildie wanted to reach out again and pull her daughter close. She wanted to brush her hair the way she had when Carolyn was a toddler. She ached for the time lost, hating the disease that had made her push her daughter away in the first place. She couldn’t bear the thought of her precious little girl living in fear, having nightmares about the monster next door, allowing only Oma inside the walls she built to protect herself. Had Mama known? Surely she would have said something!
Hildie’s arms ached to simply hold her. But it was important to keep talking, to get it all out in the open. “Lee Dockery was killed in an accident, Carolyn.”
“When?” Carolyn looked up at her, face pale and strained.
“A few weeks after your nightmares started. No one disappears without a reason. Dad knew something had happened to him. He went over to see if he’d had a heart attack or something. He went into the house and found everything in order.”
Hildie leaned forward, clasping her hands tensely, uncertain how her daughter would take what she had to tell her. “Lee Dockery’s place stood vacant until the bank repossessed the property and sold it at auction. A year after the new family moved in, a couple of boys found Lee Dockery’s truck in a ravine down in Niles Canyon. Apparently, he’d swerved off the road and gone over the edge where it wouldn’t have been seen from the road.”
“Was Dock in the car?”
What was left of him, after the animals had gotten to his body and time had stripped his flesh. “Yes, he was. So were his bees.” They’d built a hive inside the cab of his truck.
Carolyn let out a long breath and closed her eyes. Her face looked serene. “All those years, I thought he’d come and take me away.”
“He would have, Carolyn. God protected you.”
“I know.”
“Did Charlie know about Dock?”
“No.”
It hurt to ask, but she had to know. “Did you tell Oma?”
“No. The only person I ever told about Dock was Chel. And I was drunk at the time.”
Dawn winced at the growing pain. Gripping the edge of the dresser, she pulled herself up. It eased a little. She sat on the edge of the bed. She felt warm, but the chill made her breath visible. Her daughter kicked twice. Smiling, Dawn ran her hand over her belly. “Sorry I woke you up.” She took a pillow and put it at the end of the bed, then stretched out on her side so she could listen to Mom and Granny talk. She stroked her belly slowly, rhythmically. “They’re going to love you, sweetie.”
The sound of their voices filled her with hope for the future. “No tug-of-war this time.”
57
“Can we talk about what happened in Berkeley, Carolyn? Please.”
Carolyn braced her back against the other chair. Her mother hadn’t blamed her for what happened. She’d blamed Dock. Maybe it was time to get everything out in the open. Haight-Ashbury and all the rest.
“I wanted to end the war, Mom. I wanted to save Charlie. I didn’t care about school. It seemed pointless to attend classes when my brother was risking his life every minute of the day. So I quit and went on protest marches. When I wasn’t doing that, I drank to forget. All I could think about was trying to get Charlie out of Vietnam. And I failed. When Charlie died, I just lost it.”
“You were gone before you knew about Charlie.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Yes. You were. We called the day after the officers came to the house, and your phone was disconnected. We drove to Berkeley. Your neighbors said they hadn’t seen either of you in a while. The landlord was there. He said the place was trashed.”
“Oma called the day the soldiers came to the house. I knew what that meant. I remember screaming and Chel giving me something. The next thing I remember is Chel driving me across the Bay Bridge, Janis Joplin screaming on the radio, Chel screaming along with her.” She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see Mom’s face when she said the rest. “I woke up in a strange house, in a strange bed, with a guy I’d never seen before. It got worse after that.”
Carolyn pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. “I used to dream about Charlie all the time.” She gulped down tears. “I’d see him in a rice paddy. I’d see him burning in napalm. I’d see him-” She stopped, appalled, realizing what her words must be doing to her mother. She took her hands away. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t stop, honey.” Her mother spoke in a soft, choked voice. “Tell me the rest.”
“I stayed stoned and drunk, trying to deal with his death.”
“You looked so frail when you came home.”
Carolyn remembered all too well. She’d been starving slowly, living on garbage. And then a young vet gave her a chocolate bar and kept her warm. A young woman gave her hope and a ticket home. “I lived in Golden Gate Park for a while. I don’t remember how long. I had to get out of that house and away from Ash.”
“What house? And who is Ash?”
“We lived in a big house on Clement Street. He moved in while Chel and I were in New York, celebrating rock and roll at Woodstock.” She spoke wryly, then went on. “She was messed up on drugs. I didn’t know if she’d come out of it. Her mind cleared in Wyoming. When we got back, we found this beautiful stranger sitting in the living room. He used to wear white robes like Jesus and spoke in poetry. A fake guru, speaking bull, seducing everyone. Everyone was stoned all the time and sleeping with whoever. Chel was the one with the money. Ash took her over the minute she walked in the door, or he thought he did. Chel always knew what was what. She knew Ash for what he was long before I did. When she got tired of him, he turned to me. All I saw was the beautiful mask, not the devil behind it. I thought I loved him. Lee Dockery was a lot kinder.” She saw the anguish in her mother’s face. “I’m sorry, Mom. Maybe you don’t want to hear about this.”
“I need to know what happened to my daughter. Don’t you think it’s time?”
“I guess.” Carolyn rubbed her face.
“I always wondered, but I was afraid to ask. Did Chel live in the park with you?”
“No. She overdosed on heroin. A few weeks before, we went out for a long walk in the park. She gave me her father’s telephone number and said if anything happened to her, I was to call him. It scared me. I watched over her for days. The one day I didn’t…” Her voice broke.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
“I found her sprawled across her bed. Ash was furious. He told me to lie if the paramedics asked for her name.”
“Why?”
“Why do you suppose? The money would keep being deposited as long as her father thought she was alive. When the ambulance came, I waited outside. Before they took her body away, I gave them her full name. I called her father. And then I just walked away. I didn’t look back. I didn’t care where I went or what happened to me after that.”
Carolyn raked her fingers into her hair and held her head. “I begged, Mom. I slept on benches and under bushes. I ate out of trash bins and slept in a few. I wanted to die, but I didn’t have the courage to drown myself in the ocean.” She gave a mocking laugh. “It was cold.” Sighing, she leaned back against the front of the swivel rocker. “One night I was sitting on the beach and thinking about how nice it would be to have it all over. And then I heard a guitar playing. I saw a young man wearing an Army jacket. I thought it was Charlie, at first.” Her eyes swam with tears. “Of course, it couldn’t be, but I followed him anyway. He’d made a camp in the park. He had a fire and an old sleeping bag. I was so hungry. He gave me a chocolate bar. He was a veteran. He hadn’t just bought the jacket from a surplus store; he’d served in Vietnam. I told him about Charlie. He told me about friends he’d lost in the war.”