Only Maura Kerwin and LaShaye Abbot have come for tea. Neither is ready to commit to a Bible study. Maura’s husband (Mick) just got shipped over. LaShaye is pregnant for the third time in four years. They’re still paying hospital bills for the last baby. Rory told her to get an abortion. I got weepy and told them about our lost babies. LaShaye left.
I keep remembering the prayer Mom gave me when you and I weren’t seeing each other. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” I’ve been saying it a lot lately…
A suicide bomber blew himself up in the middle of a market this morning. He took innocent women and children with him. All in the name of his god! These people need to hear the gospel, and we’re forbidden to evangelize. I’ll probably get busted, but I’m not going to be silent when given an opportunity to talk about the difference between Allah and Jesus. Only Christ can make men free! The enemy of our souls wants to keep these people captive…
LaShaye didn’t come for tea. So I dropped by. She couldn’t even look at me. I told her I love her and I’m praying for her. If she ever wants to talk, my door is open. She closed hers, and I haven’t seen her since. Maura came. She and LaShaye were friends long before I came on the scene. Maura took her to the clinic.
I pray. I still take my walks.
Picture attached. Notice the nice little bulge under my new sweater!
Thanks for the photo! You look beautiful. But so thin! You look like you’re losing weight instead of gaining. Are you eating enough? Maybe you shouldn’t be walking so much…
I don’t have to look like a pumpkin or a house to be healthy, Jason. I’m eating constantly. I don’t know why I’m not gaining a lot of weight. Must be my metabolism. The doctor said walking is good for me. Don’t worry-I’m not overdoing it.
Good news! LaShaye came over. We talked for hours! She and Rory are struggling. I found a crisis pregnancy center in the area. They have a postabortion class. I said I’d take her and sit with her if that would help. I’m praying LaShaye and Rory can work things out. They have enough grief between them without discarding their marriage.
I have another checkup tomorrow. I know everything is fine, Jason. I’ve been feeling our little girl move for a couple weeks now. Only four months to go before I meet her face-to-face.
50
Dawn gulped down sobs as she headed home from her prenatal appointment. The doctor had put her through a battery of tests over the last two weeks and insisted that she see a specialist besides. He gave her the results this morning. “We have a problem…” She had sat stunned and silent as he talked in quiet, grim tones, hands folded on his desk. “I advise you not to wait, Dawn. I know it’s going to be difficult for you, especially with your history, but the alternative is-”
“You don’t need to say any more!” Dawn had stood abruptly, slinging her bag over her shoulder with shaking hands.
“Please sit down, Mrs. Steward. We need to discuss this. The longer you wait, the more-”
“I understand everything you’ve said, Doctor. I was a nurse.” And she wouldn’t do it! She’d rather die than do it.
She yanked the door open and walked out.
Two other pregnant mothers sat in the waiting room. Dawn managed to get out the door before the tears came. She sat in her car until she thought she had regained enough control to drive home. Now she couldn’t even see the road. Swiping tears away, she pulled onto the shoulder, jammed on her parking brake, and put on her emergency lights. Gripping the wheel, she screamed. “Why, Lord? Why? I don’t understand!”
Cars flew past. Sobbing, Dawn ran her hands over the slight bulge in her belly. A police officer tapped on her window. She hadn’t even noticed the cruiser pull in behind her. She let her window down and fumbled through her shoulder bag for her license. She found the car registration in the glove compartment. He glanced at them and handed them back. Leaning down, he looked at her. “Anything wrong, ma’am?”
“I’ve just had some very bad news.” She gulped down sobs. “I’m sorry. I just thought it’d be safer for everyone if I sat here for a little while. Is that okay?” She wiped her cheeks.
“I noticed the Fort Dix base sticker on your car.”
“My husband’s in Iraq.”
“Sit until you’re ready, ma’am.” The officer walked back to his cruiser. She glanced in the rearview mirror. He talked into his radio. She thought he’d drive away, but he didn’t. Regaining some control over her emotions, Dawn took the brake off, put on her blinker, and pulled out onto the highway again. The police cruiser pulled out right behind her. He stayed with her all the way to off-base housing, gave her a salute, and kept going.
Dawn raised her hand in thanks. God puts angels all around us. Some in uniform.
Dumping her keys on the coffee table, Dawn sank onto the couch. She felt her baby move and ran her hand over her abdomen. “What am I going to tell your daddy, sweetie?” She hadn’t mentioned the tests to Jason. Why worry him? He needed to keep his mind on what was happening around him, not on her and the baby. Now, she didn’t dare tell him.
Lord, help me. Please help me.
Someone knocked on the door. Dawn didn’t answer. They knocked again. She waited before going to the front door. Peering through the peephole, she watched LaShaye walk down the path to the sidewalk where Maura stood waiting. They both talked for a few minutes, then went their separate ways.
Dawn went into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and undressed while she waited for the water to get warm. Stepping in, she closed the glass door and let the water rain down on her.
Lord, You breathed out the universe. You made the stars in the heavens, the earth, everything. Nothing is too difficult for You! You made me Your vessel. Your Holy Spirit lives within me. You opened my womb so I could carry this child. You showed her to me. I saw my daughter on the beach, dancing, flapping her arms like a little bird. She is strong. She is full of the life You gave her. Oh, God, You are merciful! Please. Be merciful.
She didn’t stop praying or get out of the shower until the warm water gave out.
Dawn fixed a square meal and sat alone in the dining room. She needed to eat, whether she felt like it or not. She and the baby needed nourishment. The telephone rang.
I’m not ready to talk, Lord, not to anyone but You.
The answering machine picked up. “It’s Granny, sweetheart. Just thinking about you and wanted to talk. You said something about joining the choir. You’re probably at church. Call back when you have a minute. I love you.”
Church. She’d forgotten about the choir. Those sweet old ladies would take one look at her and want to know what was wrong. They’d have all kinds of wisdom to share.
She’d already made her decision. No matter what the doctor said, she would have this baby. She’d face everything else later.
She had to e-mail Jason. If a day passed and she didn’t, he would wonder why. He always checked dates. Did he look at the times, too? It was getting late. She put her dish and utensils in the dishwasher, then went to the computer.
What was she going to say to him? She didn’t like keeping secrets from her husband, but she couldn’t write about what she’d been told today.
Hands resting on the keyboard, she tried to think. She double-clicked the e-mail icon; nothing from Jason today, but several others, including one from her brother. Christopher wrote like he talked. He was taking classes part-time toward a master’s degree. He had a job at a trendy, expensive restaurant.