She quoted:
‘We must be true inside
true to ourselves
before we can know
a truth
that is outside us.’
I poured the coffee, asked, ‘How d’ya take it.’
‘Cream and sugar -
“But we make
ourselves true by
manifesting the truth
as we see it.”’
I handed her a mug, wondering if she’d finished. She had.
I took a sip, real good – fuck, I make great coffee.
‘So Cassie, where’s my gun… eh?’
‘I tossed it.’
‘You wot.’
‘I was scared – scared I’d eat the metal so, I walked over Waterloo Bridge and sank the sucker. Is that the one Ray Davies wrote about – I saw the Kinks once.’
‘And my money, I suppose you, dumped that too.’
‘Don’t be a horse’s ass, I spent it, you’ve mucho dinero.’
‘But not so mucho patience lady and your meter’s running high. Lemme see if I can get this across. You stole from me, broke in to my gaff, took a shot at me and generally ran fuckin’ liberties. Am I getting through to you Cassie. Our firm has been moving rag-ass trying to find you.’
‘I’ve been naughty!’
‘Naughty?’
‘I need spanking.’
‘Whoa – hold the phones lady.’
She was up, took my hand and put it on her breast, said, ‘Hold this.’
I pushed her away and her voice dropped to a whisper.
‘You don’t want me?’
‘Look Cassie, you’re a hot lady but this isn’t a real good time – OK.’
‘It’s because I lost my little girl, isn’t it. You’re punishing me.’
I stood up, ‘For heaven’s sake, I’m real sorry about that. I’m trying to be fair, I’m not going to hassle you about all the other crazy shit. Just leave now and we’ll let it be.’
‘I think I see her, you know, on the street and I chase after her – or on a bus – or…’
‘Jesus.’
‘But I have a good report that she’s in Agadir.’
‘Where?’
‘Morocco. Her father was from Kif.’
‘I thought that was Keith Richards’ nickname.’
‘It’s a village in the Blue Atlas Mountains, they specialize in hash. I know he now lives in Agadir, a P.I. says he’s ninety percent sure.’
‘A private investigator?’
‘Yes, I’ve had dozens of them. Will you come – will you come and help me get her back.’
‘I don’t believe this. You can’t just go down there on a vague report – can’t you get Interpol to check.’
Her voice rose, ‘Those pricks – do me a goddamn favour. But you’re different, you’d get her.’
‘I’m sorry, look it’s late…’
‘We could drive on down there, to Algeciras, I’d read MacNeice to you, I…’
‘Stop it! Just stop it all to hell. You need help, but not any kind I can provide.’
Now she dropped her arms, seemed to shrink.
I took her arm, moved her to the door, opened it and had to push her out. She stood outside, like little Orphan Annie, said, ‘You’ll come to Agadir, you just don’t know it yet but, I promise you that – on my little girl’s head.’
I closed the door, said, ‘Dream on lady.’
She stood outside the door and I could hear her say, ‘David – David, did you ever hear what Kafka said,
“No people sing with such
pure voices
as those who live in
deepest hell.”’
‘Indigent! I don’t friggin’ believe it. You’ve got to be bloody joking – c’mon!’ – Yelling at the very height of my lungs.
Doc took it all, well, almost, and replied, ‘Would I joke about that. It’s the term they use and a right vicious one.’
I couldn’t take it in – how could he be skint-
‘How can you be skint?’
‘Don’t get righteous with me Davy boy. The bloody house is mortgaged to the gills, those school fees – like murder – and the blackjack. It’s been a long run of shitty luck, I’m going to have to pack it in.’
‘Blackjack! You’ve been gambling – you’ve been wot? Why didn’t I know?’
He stood up, his boots gleaming in the light, ‘Why should you know. My bloody Missis didn’t know. Since when do I account to you fella?’
I was close to losing it, had to pull back. I could see a roof in Battersea, see my father’s eyes.
‘OK… OK Doc. Might I ask how you propose paying for the Taj Mahal or whatever bloody monument you’re building to Laura. Won’t Father what’s his bloody face be a tad surprised to hear you’re – indigent – or does he play blackjack too?’
‘Watch yer lip boy.’
‘Or wot Doc?’
He made the effort also to rein in. We’d never – ever – hit this place before.
‘Father Cleary doesn’t know, alright. Treesmead will pay for his project and get me out of the hole – it has to.’
He paused, then, ‘I went to see Meryl Streep in her action pic, River Wild and jeez, she was louder than the friggin’ rapids, so my head was opening. Could you then stop shouting at me now – OK.’
I didn’t even know I had been, said, ‘I wasn’t shouting – you went to the cinema without Laura.’
‘Would have been hard to bloody bring her.’
I went to make coffee, brewed up a storm, heard Doc say, ‘Tea for me, two sugars.’
Mutterin’ ‘Now he tells me’ I half mangled a tea bag into a cup, sloshed water on it, tepid water. Put the sugar in before extracting the bag and, worst crime of all, didn’t heat the cup. All petulant I grant you but it was that or reach for the new 12″, give it an early outing. Piled the lot on a tray that had Charles and Di’s wedding portrait. As he sipped the tea, he gave a grimace, asked, ‘Did you heat the cup?’
‘Always.’
‘Not yer best mate – no, not at all.’
‘Doc, why don’t I do this – I’ll move some of the repo money to help you out.’
He gave a sheepish grin, ‘Em… might be a slight problem.’
‘No, I’ll tell the accountant to do it – he gets paid to shuffle figures. A little cosmetic arithmetic and you’re whistlin’ Danny Boy.’
‘I’ve been and sang that song already, ’tis not a tune worth humming.’
Now I was up, ‘You’ve been dippin? You’ve been robbin us!’
‘Whoa – slow down Streep. I’ll put it back, it was just sitting there. But I do have good news.’
‘You shot the accountant?’
He laughed, said, ‘That’s more like it son. Let me put it this way, Quinn won’t be a problem, I know you were concerned there.’
‘Jeez, you didn’t top a cop!’
‘Naw, they just broke his legs. If I’d another few hundred they’d have completed the job. But fuck, the readies are tight. Anyroad he won’t be playing for the Police Reserves this season.’
‘You’re a piece of work Doc, you’re a real fuckin’ class act. I better buy a lorry load of strawberry delights.’
‘What?’
‘For the Noble savage, he’s fond of his bikky he is.’
When Doc had gone, I thought about funerals. The way things were shaping, I’d soon be arranging my own. In prison, Doc had waxed eloquent and long about the Irish rituals for it, mainly he’d waxed long.
At a loss after Doc left, I flicked through the paper. Read an article on Patricia Highsmith and liked her saying, ‘I find the public passion for justice quite boring and artificial, for neither life nor nature cares if justice is ever done or not.’
‘Amen,’ I said.
Time to move, I’d an accountant to see, Doc and I had force back-pedalled from out and out war. Not so much a sheathing of weapons as an option for other battlefields. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t bounce somebody’s head off a wall.
Heard the post come through the box, didn’t think it would be news to cheer. The handwriting on the envelope was now familiar. Could be worse I thought, the loony bitch could be phoning. Opened it with a heavy heart. In large clear writing she began,