~Sophie
Sophie,
You asking those questions made me think it’s time for me to check in on your thoughts and feelings as to how the training is going. What are some of the positives you’re taking from this experience? The negatives?
Do tell.
MC
Hmm. I thought long and hard about how to answer these questions. I wanted to be honest and transparent, but I didn’t want to sound like a complainer. I decided on this:
Sir,
Some of the positives are that I am learning about myself, my likes and dislikes. Also, I am exploring my sexuality in an empowered way. When I was younger I was somewhat shy, sexually. It was important to me to be a good girl, to do what was expected of me. So this experience permits me to express my true wants and desires, and I’m becoming comfortable with that—it’s an incredible feeling.
Another positive is that I just enjoy the experiences. Especially the phone sessions, because I like hearing your voice. That makes it more “real,” more meaningful, and less solo. After the sexless marriage I had for years, I’ve had it with solo playing. Blech. I realize now that I am a passionate woman who is ready for a real, live man. (The biggest negative about cyber play. lol.)
But I am reticent to discuss the negatives. I don’t want to spoil the good…
~Sophie
Sophie,
Probably a wise choice, not discussing the negatives and concentrating solely on the positives. As long as you are learning and exposing yourself to new and refreshing concepts, it will stay a healthy experience. My only hope is that you grow and find the true sense of freedom that allows yourself to be taken with lust and passion into a whole new realm of your sexuality.
MC
I sat back and reread his message. Did he just want to ignore the negative I did mention? The big, fat, glaring one that had been bugging me so much recently. I wanted a live man. A real one who could put his arms around me, hold me at the end of a bad day, kiss me goodbye on his way to work…
Hitting reply, I typed: Oh dear. I was going to tell you that we could talk about the negatives, but that I would rather do that over chat sometime. They are not really about training itself, more about how the training is affecting my life.
Then I pressed the backspace key and deleted it. If I turned into too much of a whiner I might ruin things with him altogether. But I was starting to truly crave a real life experience, and I wondered how to find someone who was willing to give me that.
The biggest problem was that just anyone wouldn’t do. As crazy as I knew it was—I wanted MC. With a sigh, I closed the computer, as a voice in the back of my head reminded me I couldn’t continue the way things were.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
As summer wore on, MC’s training continued to be a mainstay of my life, and some tasks went over better than others. Gone were the days when everything he did made my heart race. As I’d gotten used to him, I learned that I wasn’t compatible with all of his training ideas. But I had to hand it to him, he was nothing if not creative with his use of common household items for sexual purposes.
But even as I praised MC for his innovative designs and creative ideas, I told him, again and again, how much I’d prefer fucking a real man. Maybe I sounded like a broken record, but I hoped one day he would hear me. I guess I wanted him to offer to meet me in real life. I doubted he ever would, but I was starting to be afraid that was the only thing that would truly satisfy me. The idea of asking him outright scared me. I didn’t think I could take the rejection if he said no.
Was it crazy to be in love with a man I’d never seen? A man I knew almost nothing about? I thought so, but it had happened to me. It felt like I’d become addicted to MC. And like building up a tolerance for a drug, I needed more and more from him to get the same high.
It seemed I wasn’t the only one thinking about reevaluating training, because MC sent me this:
TRAINING REVISITED
I want you to review your training to this point in time.
1.) What have you learned so far?
2.) What part of training do you crave the most?
3.) Do you feel you need the pain as part of training, and why?
4.) Do you relish being verbally abused, and why?
5.) How much does bondage play a part in your need to be trained, and why?
6.) Where do orgasms rank in the training process, and why?
7.) How important is being a plaything, a trinket to be used, and why?
You have twenty-four hours to complete this task or face a full punishment session.
Agreed?
MC
I agreed and started answering his questions right away. I told him I’d learned how to be a good plaything and how to obey, even though it doesn’t come easily to me. I told him I’d learned where pain fits in for me, which was one of the most important things I’d wanted to find out. I’d discovered that pain is an important adjunct to the control as well as the pleasure. For me, it amps up the intensity in both those areas, but I didn’t enjoy the pain for pain's sake. But by itself, the main importance for pain was when it was used as a punishment to remind me who is in charge.
The rest of my answers talked about how much I craved tasks that required me to obey, and how much I needed having someone lead me and control me. I relished being verbally abused because it draws me in with how forbidden it is, and it’s also objectifying, which is a huge turn on for me.
Psychologically, I loved the helplessness of bondage, but I also loved the concept that someone else was doing something to you, so you could be the receiver, in some ways the passive partner… that pushed lots of my hot buttons, but unfortunately, the most enticing aspects of bondage were unavailable. That was some of why I felt the benefits of my training were limited.
As for orgasms? Hell yeah, I wanted orgasms. That was an essential part of the training for me, because in my mind, BDSM was about sex. But I wanted a partner to have an orgasm with. That seemed like a good goal.
One night after steaming up the phone lines with a sexy play session, I mustered up my courage to begin the conversation I knew we needed to have. “Have you ever done a live session?”
“Of course.”
“You have?”
“Yes.”
“Do you do them often?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
He sighed. “Right now because I don’t have a local sub.”
“Oh.” I wanted to ask him if he would do a live session with me, but I was petrified he’d say no.
“Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know.” I stalled, embarrassed to admit how strong my need for a real man had gotten. “Sometimes I want to try this stuff out with a real person, not just a voice on the other end of the phone. Okay, not sometimes. All the time.” I heard the emotion creeping into my voice, but I prayed he didn’t.
“We could always do a cam session…”
I exhaled loudly and brushed aside a tear. “It’s not the same. There’s something missing. The touch of another person. I miss feeling the weight of a man on top of me, the whole ‘real life’ experience.”
“I understand,” he said, but I wasn’t at all sure he did.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Do you think it’s a summer fling?” Shelby asked, then bit down on a colorful bite of salad. She’d invited me for lunch at the Country Club to celebrate the fact that I’d received finalized divorce papers in the mail, and I was happy to accept. That was definitely an occasion for celebration, and I needed someone to talk with about my situation with MC.