Hubert was attaching an armful of stems with yellow flowers to a trellis with several lengths of raffia, his hands still trembling a little.
It’s getting chilly, he said, let’s go inside.
He shut and locked the door behind us.
This is my workroom — he nodded towards a large wooden bench with a chair in front of it — this week I’m putting seeds from the garden into little packets, each one properly labelled with its common and Latin names. Occasionally I have to look the Latin one up in the herbarium, my memory isn’t what it was, though I’m happy to say I don’t have to do it often.
What are these packets for? I asked.
I send them away. Every autumn I do the same. See these here. Love-in-a-mist. Nigella damascena. Two dozen packets.
You mean you sell them?
I give them away.
So many! You’ve got hundreds of packets!
There’s an organisation which calls itself ’Thrive’, and they distribute seeds to people in need — old people’s homes, orphanages, reception centres, transit camps — so that there are flowers in places where usually there would be none. It doesn’t make much difference, of course, I realise that, but at least it’s something. And for me, now, it’s a way of sharing the pleasures of the garden. It’s a satisfaction.
My recidivist erections were at first a distraction but once she had named them — we’ll call them London! she said — they took their place and became no more urgent than — or as urgent as — the damp fern smell of her sweat, her rounded knees, or the curly black hairs in her arse-hole. Everything under the blankets took us elsewhere. And elsewhere, we discovered the size of life. In daylight life often seemed small. For example, when drawing plaster casts of Roman statues in the Antique class, it seemed very small. Under the blankets she fingered the soles of my feet with her toes and sighed ’Damascus’. I combed her hair with my teeth and hissed ’Scalp’. Then as these or other gestures of ours became longer and slower and we succumbed to a single sleep, our two bodies took account of the unimaginable distances they offered one another and we left. In the morning we said nothing. We couldn’t make sentences. Either she would go and wash her hair, or I would go to the window at the foot of the bed and look out across Coram’s Fields and she would throw me my trousers.
My real problem, said Hubert, is in the drawers over there.
He pulled out a metal drawer which slid noiselessly towards us. Double imperial size, designed for storing architectural plans. The drawer was full of small abstract sketches and watercolours which gave the impression they were derived from places. Perhaps microscopic places, perhaps galactic. Paths. Localities. Openings. Obstacles. All drawn with fluid washes and meandering lines. Hubert gave the drawer a soft push and it slid back on its rails. He pulled out another — there were a dozen such drawers — which, this time, contained drawings. Intricately drawn with a hard pencil, full of scudding movements, such as you see in clouds and running water.
What am I to do with them? he asked.
They are Gwen’s?
He nodded.
If I leave them here, he said, they’ll be thrown away after my death. If I make a selection and keep only what seem to me to be the very best, what do I do with the others? Burn them? Give them to an art school or a library? They are not interested. When she was alive, Gwen never made a name for herself. She was simply passionate about drawing, about ’capturing it’ as she put it. She drew almost every day. She herself threw a lot away. What’s in these drawers is what she wanted to keep.
He pulled out a third drawer, hesitated, and then selected with his slightly trembling hand a gouache and held it up.
Beautiful, I said.
What am I to do? I keep on putting it off. And if I do nothing, they’ll all be thrown out.
You must put them in envelopes, I said.
Envelopes?
Yes. You sort them. You invent any system you like. By year, by colour, by preference, by size, by mood. And on each of the big envelopes you write her name and the category you’ve established. It’ll take time. Not a single one must be misplaced. And in each envelope you put the drawings in order; you write a number very lightly on the back of each one.
An order according to what?
I don’t know. You’ll find out. There are drawings which look as if they should come first, and there’s always a last drawing, isn’t there? The order will take care of itself.
And what difference do you think these envelopes are going to make?
Who can tell? In any case they’ll be better off.
You mean the drawings?
Yes. They’ll be better off.
The clocks in the drawing room upstairs were chiming.
I must be off, I said.
He led me towards the front door. And after opening it, turning round, he looked at me quizzically.
Wasn’t her name Audrey?
Audrey! Of course it was Audrey!
Funny little thing she was, said Hubert. She left I think after a couple of terms, which is why I couldn’t place her straight away. She wasn’t with us for long. And she wore hats, you’re right.
He smiled distantly, for he could see I was pleased. We said our goodbyes.
The nameless desire Audrey and I shared came to an end as inexplicably as it had begun: inexplicably only because neither of us sought an explanation. The last time we slept together (and although I forgot her name, I can remember without the slightest hesitation that it was the month of June and her feet were dusty from wearing sandals all day long) she got into bed first, and I climbed on to the windowsill to detach the wooden frame of the blackout curtain, so that I could open the window and let in more air. Outside there was moonlight and all the trees around Coram’s Fields were distinctly visible. I took in their every detail with a pleasure which included an anticipation because, in a minute or two, we would both, before setting out on the night’s journey, be touching every detail of the other’s body.
I slithered into bed beside her, and without a word she turned her back on me. There are a hundred ways of turning the back in bed. Most are inviting, some are languid. There is a way, though, that unmistakably announces refusal. Her shoulder blades became like armour plate.
I missed her too much to go to sleep, and she, I guessed, was pretending to sleep. I might have argued with her or started to kiss the back of her neck. Yet this was not our style. Bit by bit my perplexity slipped away and I felt thankful. I turned my own back and lay there cradling a gratitude for all that had happened in the bed with broken springs. At this moment a bomb fell. It was close by; we heard the windows shattering on the other side of the Fields and, further away, shouts. Neither of us spoke. Her shoulder blades relaxed. Her hand looked for mine, and we both lay there grateful.
Next morning when I left she didn’t so much as glance up from her coffee bowl. She was staring into it as if she had decided, a few minutes before, that this was what she must do and that the future of our two lives depended upon it.
Hubert stood there in the doorway, left arm raised about his head, making a sign for the mounted troops to disperse. His face was fragile and invincible. It was getting dark.
I’ll take your tip about the envelopes, he called after me.
I walked alone down the road past the other terraced houses.
You called me many names in your sleep, Audrey said as she took my arm, and my favourite was Oslo.