"Wait a minute!" Cried the barman. He ran over to the drink and dropped an olive in it. "I forgot, the heat of the moment."
Zaphod's glare shut him up. Zaphod lifted the glass to the light and squinted at it. He sniffed it as one would sniff smelling salts, knowing full well what they smelt like. He nodded and picked up the spoon. He scooped up a drop of the drink and switched on the timing device. Fumes smoked away from the spoon and when a hole appeared in the spoon, Zaphod stopped the timing device. He looked at the time and nodded again. He wiped away the residue liquid from the bar with the cloth before it started eating it's way through that. Zaphod rolled his heads again, much to the delight of the crowd and started puffing again. He took the glass in his hand, looked at the ceiling, looked at the barman, looked at the drink and then, while the left head watched closely, downed the drink in one.
Ford and Arthur helped Zaphod to his feet. He shook his heads and steadied himself.
"Well barman," said Zaphod hoarsely. "That was good, very good. Set up three for us."
The audience erupted, the barman cried and Arthur suddenly realised he was expected to drink one of these liquid stun guns.
"Don't worry," said Ford to Arthur, who was holding the glass as one would hold an anaconda. "Take it in sips, it's quite pleasant."
Arthur took a hesitant sip and screwed his face up in anticipation. There was no pain. It felt like slipping into a hot bath inside out.
"Not bad," he said, then found his body fulfilling an urgent desire to be horizontal.
"It'll take a while," said Ford, helping Arthur up. "Perhaps we should get you a Phodcaran Hurenge."
CHAPTER 49
"Excuse me?" Asked Arthur. The two dolphins stopped chattering and turned to face him. "This will probably sound very silly and you will almost certainly have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'm from a planet called Earth and.."
"You're not!" Exclaimed one of the dolphins.
"You're pulling my flipper, surely!" Squealed the other.
"No I really am," said Arthur. "I was wondering if you could explain to me exactly what happened on Earth. You know, why it reappeared and you disappeared."
"Well you are talking to the right people, my name is Etats and this is Dilos," said Etats, offering his flipper, which Arthur shook. He fought the urge to throw Etats a fish and blow a whistle.
"We were behind the Campaign to Save the Humans," said Dilos.
"I got a bowl from you then," said Arthur.
"It can't be!" They sang in unison.
"Let me guess, ' said Arthur, but they didn't give him the chance.
"You must be the Arthur Dent."
"That's right."
"Out of vision, man. Is this one meeting to remember!" Said Etats.
"Let me get you a drink," said Dilos. He passed a container to Arthur. It was see-through with a straw poking through the lid. Arthur sipped the straw and was pleasantly surprised to taste gin and tonic. When he released the straw, he quickly put his finger over it to prevent any water getting in, being 10 metres under and sitting around a submerged table.
"Don't worry," said Etats. "Each cup has an artificial atmosphere in it to allow liquid out but not in."
"How clever," remarked Arthur, removing his finger.
"Now where shall we start?" Said Dilos. "We originally came from a planet called Dolph. It was a grotty planet really. It was in the same dimension as those bastards who wanted the ultimate answer to life, the Universe and everything."
"I know all about that," said Arthur.
"Terrible neighbours," said Etats. "We used to tap their information channels just to remind ourselves how lucky we were. Anyway, Deep Thought decided that Dolphins were to be part of the network. They approached us with this proposition to spend time on Earth and we accepted."
"Not because we wanted to help," interrupted Dilos.
"Oh no, we couldn't give a Jrevi Wooc about them," said Etats. "No, it just seemed like a good holiday spot. So we decided that we would work to get our planet in decent living order and holiday on Earth until the work was done. We worked shifts, half the workforce on Dolph, half on holiday. We arrived just before the Golgafrinchians. The hyper intelligent, pan dimensional beings hadn't arrived so we knew then it wasn't going to work. Still, we weren't going to tell them because the Earth was far superior to Dolph and we were having too much fun
"We loved the humans," continued Dilos. "Once all the cavemen died, the inbreeding of the Golgafrinchians reduced them to babbling idiots."
"How could you tell the difference?" Asked Arthur.
"Good point, because the hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings couldn't," laughed Etats. "That's why they didn't abort the whole thing. So modern man evolved from that time on. The mice moulded them through the years unaware they were wasting their time."
"No wonder you lot always seemed to be happy," said Arthur.
"We were," said Dilos. "But we felt sorry for the humans, because they treated us so well most of the time. So when we found out about the Vogon Constructor Fleet, we tried to warn you, but you didn't have Babel fish. So we started the Campaign to Save the Humans. No-one was particularly interested and the psychiatrists gave us a lot of trouble. They didn't believe us about the Golgafrinchians. They put it down to a childhood neurosis. Apart from saving the Humans, we didn't really fancy going back to Dolph, which was still in a pretty bad way."
"Then we had a stroke of luck," said Etats. "One of our great hobbies in the sea when we weren't on the surface was what you called 'hacking' on computers. That how we found out about the Vogons."
"You had computers in the sea?" Asked Arthur.
"Yes, not the sort you would have used but computers all the same," said Dilos.
"Sorry," said Arthur. "We've gone off track. Please continue with the story, I m fascinated."
"Okay," said Etats. "We were hacking the databanks of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation and got hold of a provisional press release about the launch of a new product, the Planetcopier. It was a device that could copy whole planets. Marvellous device but the Marketing Division had screwed up again. No-one needed it or could afford it. But it was perfect for us. We borrowed it on a ten day evaluation trial and took a perfect copy of the Earth the second before it blew up."
"Unbelievable," said Arthur, staggered.
"The copy took a week to complete, in which time you went to Magrathea and made the Earth Mark 2 redundant. The Magratheans opened shop again and put it on special offer. They took Dolph on part exchange and we put the Earth Mark 2 directly opposite the copy of the Earth so with the Sun between us you wouldn't know we were there. While the copy was being finished, we sneaked back and left bowls to the three most important people on the Earth:you, for making the Earth Mark 2 available, a girl called Fenchurch who was the poor soul chosen as the printout device...."
"I know her," said Arthur proudly.
"How is she shaping up?" Asked Dilos. "Part of the conditions we had to meet from the psychiatrists was wiping her mind of whatever answer she had. Awful shock for her."
"She's okay now," said Arthur. "We're travelling the Universe together."
"How nice," said Etats. "The final person was Wonko the Sane, a good buddy who figured us out."
"Well that explains a lot," sighed Arthur. "I could die a happy man now."
"Now that could be arranged very easily," said Zaphod, floating down.
"You can t upset me," said Arthur. "Everything is clear now."
"What's that, your brain scan?" Asked Zaphod, bobbing gently.
"Anyone fancy playing some games?" Asked Etats.
"Hey, they've got a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation terminal, we could try some heavy duty hacking," said Dilos.
"Sound's good to me," said Zaphod.
"I hear they've introduced another level of security," said Etats. They all floated to the surface and swam over to the terminal. Ford was lounging by the pool. Arthur joined him.
"How's it going?" Asked Ford.
"Great, the dolphins told me all about what really happened to the Earth, it's amazing," said Arthur. "They took a copy of the Earth with a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Planetcopier."