"Oh, I've heard of that," said Ford. "Apparently they dropped the price by a few thousand Alterian Dollars, renamed it the XT and sold it as an A4 photocopier."
"They're all over there trying to break into the Sirius Cybernetics computer banks."
"Old hat," yawned Ford. "A real achievement would be to...."
Ford's eyes glazed over.
"What's the matter?" Asked Arthur. "Pan Galactic relapse?"
"Have you still got Marvin's bits in your pocket?" Demanded Ford.
"Yes, I daren't throw them away."
"Good, good," chuckled Ford. "Zaphod, come here!"
"Hold on," yelled Zaphod. "I'm on level 4."
Ford grabbed Arthur and pulled him over to the terminal. Zaphod was bashing away at the controls. Ford pulled the plug.
"Hey man," shouted Zaphod. "I hope you know a good genetic mechanic, cos your body is going to need a complete overhaul once I've finished with it."
"Cool it," said Ford. "I've got a great idea."
"It had better be good," muttered Zaphod.
"Everyone can break into the computer banks, hell it's the national pastime on some planets. Pretty boring planets I'll grant you but....."
"You are running out of time," interrupted Zaphod.
"What is supposed to be the most difficult place in the Universe to break into?"
"My wallet?" Answered Zaphod.
"No, that's the second," said Ford. "The planet Sirius, home of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."
"Keep talking," said Zaphod.
"Well, we could get in there no trouble with the Heart of Gold and put Marvin back together again for Trillian!" Ford held his hands out. Zaphod went quiet.
"They reckon the planet is impossible to break into," said Etats.
"I know," said Zaphod, thinking. "That's why we'll do it!"
"You in, Arthur?" Asked Ford.
"I don't think I have much choice," replied Arthur. "The mini-cab fare from here to Zaphod's must be staggering. I'm in."
"What about you guys?" Zaphod asked the dolphins.
"No, we'd be out of our depth," said Etats. "But we'll monitor your progress from here."
"Okay then men, to the Heart of Gold," ordered Zaphod. "Excitement, adventure and really wild things look out, here we come!"
CHAPTER 50
The Heart of Gold was somewhat less than 100%. The service had been useful, as the neutramatic machine would now deliver a damn near perfect cup of Earl Grey, but the mechanics hadn't exactly been thorough. All the standard points of the service manual had been covered, but then the service manual didn't cover the possibility of the owner deliberately pulling a few wires. So, behind an innocent looking inspection panel, the wires (which Zaphod incorrectly assumed had belonged to the 'fasten your seat belts' light) remained pulled. They were actually part of the microprocessor controlled reverse interlock relay memory bank of the infinite improbability drive. This device dumped all the necessary co-ordinates of the Universe into the ship's computer for processing. This enabled the ship to assess current location against potential and possible location, in relation to requested location. The ship's computer would then arrive in the requested location and dump all these details back with the co-ordinates of the ship's latest position. This meant that next time infinite improbability was used, the computer couldn't update the current location in relation to it's position in the Universe, as, unfortunately, this information would normally travel back through one of the pulled wires.
In layman's terms, the next time infinite improbability drive was used, the ship would arrive totally lost and unable to use infinite improbability drive until the wire was replaced and the co-ordinates reprogrammed.
CHAPTER 51
"Okay Ford, hit the improb button," ordered Zaphod, lounging in his favourite chair. Ford obliged and the ship blinked out and into existence in a flash.
Zaphod was in his least favourite chair, Ford had his blazer on and Arthur was wearing something which, by all accounts, should have found it's way to a jumble sale by now.
"Arthur, I hate to tell you this, old mate," said Ford, realising he was now holding the remains of Marvin.
"I know," said Arthur, his hands stuffed deep in his dressing gown pockets. It was a little less shabby than when he last saw it but it was still very worn at the edges, sides and generally all over. "I suppose travelling the Universe wouldn't be the same without it."
"Well guys, looks like we're all dressed for the occasion," said Zaphod, wondering where his great suit was now resting.
It was, in fact, not resting at all. It was in orbit around a rather weak star and was trying to out do the star's solar flares. Arthur's suit had become an airport for a colony of flying frogs. The improbability drive also caused Arthur's watch to go backwards, the rain forests of Eeetneet to instantly dry out and for three people to be taken from the living room where they were perfectly happy, to a locked room on a supposedly impregnable planet.
"What's the big deal about this planet?" Asked Arthur.
"I can tell you," chirped Eddie, the shipboard computer. "But I really ought to tell you something quite important about the ship first."
"Put a cork in it, Eddie," said Zaphod. "We don't need to hear any more sales talk from you, I think we'll get enough of that on the planet."
"You see, Arthur," began Ford. "The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation had a lot of trouble with people breaking into their computer systems trying to find out what new releases were on the way."
"To steal the ideas?" Asked Arthur.
"Nah, the ideas were so ridiculous it was just amusing to read them," interjected Zaphod. "So the SCC changed all their documentation into paper records and moved their headquarters to this Magrathean planet where the atmosphere was poisonous and acidic so no ship could get through unless it was travelling really fast so the acid couldn't get a grip on the ship. However, any ship travelling that fast would be smashed into oblivion because it couldn't pull up in time."
"Who would go to that trouble just to read some amusing sales brochures?" Asked Arthur.
"No one, as the SCC found out to their loss," said Ford, chuckling. "As there was no point hacking any more, sales of SCC computer terminals dropped Universewide. So the SCC gave in and put the details back on computer, but kept the planet as they had paid a fortune for it and couldn't write it off on the books."
"But how can anything survive on the surface with all that acid?" Asked Arthur, knowing full well he was expected to go out onto the surface shortly.
"The bad atmosphere stops 50 metres above the surface, so it's good clean air down here," said Ford. "The improbability drive dropped us right on the surface. We just have to hope it doesn't rain."
"Is it safe?" Asked Arthur.
"No way, I hear that employees who don't come up to scratch get scratched from existence," said Ford with a gleam in his eyes.
"Perhaps we should go back," said Zaphod, seeing a good idea fall apart.
"No, all we've got to do is pass the initiative test and we're in," said Ford.
"Initiative test?" Said Arthur and Zaphod in unison.
The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation faced many problems when they moved to Sirius, such as getting employees, getting them to Sirius and keeping them there. The third was not a major problem as they couldn't get off anyway, but the first two caused many headaches. The planet had been picked for it's remoteness, which didn't please the commuting employees, especially when they found out what happened to their ships on entering the atmosphere. So accommodation was provided on the planet, with all possible amenities also made available. The most popular of these were the Sirius Sex Cybernauts. The employees could chose the colour, shape, life form, etc. of the cybernauts to the extent of creating an exact replica of their partner, or more generally, someone else's partner. After an initial programming bug, which resulted in the cybernauts calling out the wrong name at the height of excitement, was sorted out, the cybernauts became very successful on Sirius. However, the Marketing Division could see no potential in releasing the Sex Cybernauts for sale to the public. One was given away in a 'Spirit of the Age' competition, but as there was no maintenance agreement, it was never heard of again. As soon as hackers found out about the cybernauts, they realised the only way to get their hands on one would be to join the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. To handle the large influx of job applicants, the SCC devised an initiative test to weed out those who were unsuitable. The test took the form of a large number of logic test rooms where applicants had to solve a problem before passing on to the next room. As SCC logic is somewhat left field of everyone else's logic (so left field it can often be found in the car park), most people die horribly in their attempt to conquer all the rooms. Those who do get through could wander around until they found an empty desk and then have a go at anything that took their fancy, which was generally a Sex Cybernaut.