"I know all about that," said Arthur.
"Terrible neighbours," said Etats. "We used to tap their information channels just to remind ourselves how lucky we were. Anyway, Deep Thought decided that Dolphins were to be part of the network. They approached us with this proposition to spend time on Earth and we accepted."
"Not because we wanted to help," interrupted Dilos.
"Oh no, we couldn't give a Jrevi Wooc about them," said Etats. "No, it just seemed like a good holiday spot. So we decided that we would work to get our planet in decent living order and holiday on Earth until the work was done. We worked shifts, half the workforce on Dolph, half on holiday. We arrived just before the Golgafrinchians. The hyper intelligent, pan dimensional beings hadn't arrived so we knew then it wasn't going to work. Still, we weren't going to tell them because the Earth was far superior to Dolph and we were having too much fun
"We loved the humans," continued Dilos. "Once all the cavemen died, the inbreeding of the Golgafrinchians reduced them to babbling idiots."
"How could you tell the difference?" Asked Arthur.
"Good point, because the hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings couldn't," laughed Etats. "That's why they didn't abort the whole thing. So modern man evolved from that time on. The mice moulded them through the years unaware they were wasting their time."
"No wonder you lot always seemed to be happy," said Arthur.
"We were," said Dilos. "But we felt sorry for the humans, because they treated us so well most of the time. So when we found out about the Vogon Constructor Fleet, we tried to warn you, but you didn't have Babel fish. So we started the Campaign to Save the Humans. No-one was particularly interested and the psychiatrists gave us a lot of trouble. They didn't believe us about the Golgafrinchians. They put it down to a childhood neurosis. Apart from saving the Humans, we didn't really fancy going back to Dolph, which was still in a pretty bad way."
"Then we had a stroke of luck," said Etats. "One of our great hobbies in the sea when we weren't on the surface was what you called 'hacking' on computers. That how we found out about the Vogons."
"You had computers in the sea?" Asked Arthur.
"Yes, not the sort you would have used but computers all the same," said Dilos.
"Sorry," said Arthur. "We've gone off track. Please continue with the story, I m fascinated."
"Okay," said Etats. "We were hacking the databanks of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation and got hold of a provisional press release about the launch of a new product, the Planetcopier. It was a device that could copy whole planets. Marvellous device but the Marketing Division had screwed up again. No-one needed it or could afford it. But it was perfect for us. We borrowed it on a ten day evaluation trial and took a perfect copy of the Earth the second before it blew up."
"Unbelievable," said Arthur, staggered.
"The copy took a week to complete, in which time you went to Magrathea and made the Earth Mark 2 redundant. The Magratheans opened shop again and put it on special offer. They took Dolph on part exchange and we put the Earth Mark 2 directly opposite the copy of the Earth so with the Sun between us you wouldn't know we were there. While the copy was being finished, we sneaked back and left bowls to the three most important people on the Earth:you, for making the Earth Mark 2 available, a girl called Fenchurch who was the poor soul chosen as the printout device...."
"I know her," said Arthur proudly.
"How is she shaping up?" Asked Dilos. "Part of the conditions we had to meet from the psychiatrists was wiping her mind of whatever answer she had. Awful shock for her."
"She's okay now," said Arthur. "We're travelling the Universe together."
"How nice," said Etats. "The final person was Wonko the Sane, a good buddy who figured us out."
"Well that explains a lot," sighed Arthur. "I could die a happy man now."
"Now that could be arranged very easily," said Zaphod, floating down.
"You can t upset me," said Arthur. "Everything is clear now."
"What's that, your brain scan?" Asked Zaphod, bobbing gently.
"Anyone fancy playing some games?" Asked Etats.
"Hey, they've got a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation terminal, we could try some heavy duty hacking," said Dilos.
"Sound's good to me," said Zaphod.
"I hear they've introduced another level of security," said Etats. They all floated to the surface and swam over to the terminal. Ford was lounging by the pool. Arthur joined him.
"How's it going?" Asked Ford.
"Great, the dolphins told me all about what really happened to the Earth, it's amazing," said Arthur. "They took a copy of the Earth with a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Planetcopier."
"Oh, I've heard of that," said Ford. "Apparently they dropped the price by a few thousand Alterian Dollars, renamed it the XT and sold it as an A4 photocopier."
"They're all over there trying to break into the Sirius Cybernetics computer banks."
"Old hat," yawned Ford. "A real achievement would be to...."
Ford's eyes glazed over.
"What's the matter?" Asked Arthur. "Pan Galactic relapse?"
"Have you still got Marvin's bits in your pocket?" Demanded Ford.
"Yes, I daren't throw them away."
"Good, good," chuckled Ford. "Zaphod, come here!"
"Hold on," yelled Zaphod. "I'm on level 4."
Ford grabbed Arthur and pulled him over to the terminal. Zaphod was bashing away at the controls. Ford pulled the plug.
"Hey man," shouted Zaphod. "I hope you know a good genetic mechanic, cos your body is going to need a complete overhaul once I've finished with it."
"Cool it," said Ford. "I've got a great idea."
"It had better be good," muttered Zaphod.
"Everyone can break into the computer banks, hell it's the national pastime on some planets. Pretty boring planets I'll grant you but....."
"You are running out of time," interrupted Zaphod.
"What is supposed to be the most difficult place in the Universe to break into?"
"My wallet?" Answered Zaphod.
"No, that's the second," said Ford. "The planet Sirius, home of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation."
"Keep talking," said Zaphod.
"Well, we could get in there no trouble with the Heart of Gold and put Marvin back together again for Trillian!" Ford held his hands out. Zaphod went quiet.
"They reckon the planet is impossible to break into," said Etats.
"I know," said Zaphod, thinking. "That's why we'll do it!"
"You in, Arthur?" Asked Ford.
"I don't think I have much choice," replied Arthur. "The mini-cab fare from here to Zaphod's must be staggering. I'm in."
"What about you guys?" Zaphod asked the dolphins.
"No, we'd be out of our depth," said Etats. "But we'll monitor your progress from here."
"Okay then men, to the Heart of Gold," ordered Zaphod. "Excitement, adventure and really wild things look out, here we come!"
CHAPTER 50
The Heart of Gold was somewhat less than 100%. The service had been useful, as the neutramatic machine would now deliver a damn near perfect cup of Earl Grey, but the mechanics hadn't exactly been thorough. All the standard points of the service manual had been covered, but then the service manual didn't cover the possibility of the owner deliberately pulling a few wires. So, behind an innocent looking inspection panel, the wires (which Zaphod incorrectly assumed had belonged to the 'fasten your seat belts' light) remained pulled. They were actually part of the microprocessor controlled reverse interlock relay memory bank of the infinite improbability drive. This device dumped all the necessary co-ordinates of the Universe into the ship's computer for processing. This enabled the ship to assess current location against potential and possible location, in relation to requested location. The ship's computer would then arrive in the requested location and dump all these details back with the co-ordinates of the ship's latest position. This meant that next time infinite improbability was used, the computer couldn't update the current location in relation to it's position in the Universe, as, unfortunately, this information would normally travel back through one of the pulled wires.