"What is it, darling?" she asked. "You want to go someplace with your friends?"
"I guess," I said.
She looked at Claude, Catherine, and the others and then fastened her gaze on me. "Your heart's not fully in this for some reason, Pearl," she said with the assurance of a psychic. "What is it, honey? Is it going to be a wild party?"
"Maybe," I confessed.
She nodded. "You know what growing up is," she said, nodding like someone who had finally reached a conclusion. "It's knowing when to say no. Nothing more than that, I think," she added. "You decide. It's all right for you to leave if you want to. It's your night, Pearl. Daddy will understand."
We hugged, and I turned back to my friends. Claude raised his eyebrows and smiled. I started to nod and stopped. Once I left this house and went with Claude to Lester's, saying no would be harder than graduating from medical school, I thought.
"Coming now?" Claude asked anxiously.
"Why don't you and I stay here, Claude?" I suggested. "We can have plenty of privacy."
"Here? Are you serious? Everywhere you go, there are servants loitering—unless we slip up to your room," he proposed, his eyes lustful.
"Claude, I don't like being rushed into anything," I said.
"Rushed? We've been going together for nearly a year. That's like being married nowadays," he pro-tested.
I started to laugh, but he continued, his anger building. "You don't know what it's like for me, lying to all my friends, pretending you and I are really lovers. All my friends have girlfriends who aren't afraid to make love."
"You mean you make up stories about us?" I asked.
"Of course. You want me to look like a fool?"
"Is that what you would be if we didn't sleep together, a fool? What about caring for me and my feelings?"
"That's what I want to do," he said stepping closer. "Care for your feelings. Come on, let's go with the others."
"I'd rather stay here, Claude," I said after taking a deep breath.
He shook his head. "You're never going to make love with me, are you?"
"I'm not going to make love just to keep some high school kids from thinking I'm a fool. It has to be something more serious."
He nodded. I saw that his eyes were a little bloodshot. "I think you should give me back my ring," he said. "It's just wasting away around your neck."
My heart was pounding to have such a dark and unhappy thing happen on this night, of all nights.
"Well?" he said. "What is it going to be?"
I undid the chain that held his ring on my bosom and handed it back to him.
He was surprised and clutched it roughly in his fist. "I should have listened to my friends. They all told me you were just a brain with no feelings. You probably went home and wrote a report after every date we had, didn't you?"
"Of course not," I said.
"I feel sorry for you," he continued, shaking his 'head. "You'll always be dissecting people. What did you do, take your temperature and decide tonight was a prime egg night?" he asked with his lips twisted into a sarcastic smirk. His words were like darts aimed at my heart. Tears burned under my eyelids, but I wouldn't permit myself to cry in front of him.
"Are you coming, Claude?" Diane Ratner asked as she crooked her shoulder suggestively.
"You're damn right I am," he said and smiled at her. Then he put his arm through hers and embraced her tightly around the waist. She squealed with glee and flashed a look of satisfaction at me. I could just hear her bragging: "You might be our class valedictorian and you might have this big house and great party, but I have your boyfriend.
"Satisfied?" Claude asked me.
"Yes. If this is what you've decided is most important, then I am very satisfied. I made the right decision," I said.
His smile faded quickly. "Go read a book," he snapped.
"A dry one," Diane added. Their peals of laughter trailed after them as they joined the others and headed for the front door.
Catherine came running over to me. "What are you doing?"
"The sensible thing," I said. She shook her head and looked toward the others. "Go on. Don't worry about me. I'm all right."
"This was supposed to be our night to howl," she whined.
"We all howl in different ways, I suppose. Why did you let them destroy my speech? I thought we were close friends."
"It was just a joke. I knew you would be all right," she said but she averted her gaze.
"Friends protect and look after each other, but I suppose that takes some maturity," I added dryly.
Her eyes snapped back, full of fire. "I don't know what to think about you anymore, Pearl. Maybe you're too full of yourself for the rest of us. I'm disappointed," she added and turned away to hurry after the others. I watched them all leave the house, and for a moment, all the music, all the chatter and the laughter, faded. I heard only Claude's angry words and Catherine's disappointment.
I bit down on my lower lip and sucked back the sobs that clamored to escape. Even though I had eaten, I had a hollow feeling in my stomach. Was I too much of a goody-goody? Was I just a brain?
I looked back at my party. Everyone was having such a good time, and Daddy had never looked younger or happier. Mommy was in a conversation with some of her gallery friends. All of my classmates had gone. Why, on this, the night I was supposed to feel so wonderful, was I standing here feeling devas-tated? I hurried out the side doors and walked down the patio toward the pool and cabana, leaving the jolly sounds of laughter, music, and chatter behind me.
I folded my arms under my breasts and walked slowly with my head down. Suddenly the twins and two of their friends jumped out of the hedges at me, all of them screaming, "Boo!"
"Get away from me!" I cried harshly.
Pierre's jaw dropped, but Jean kept laughing. "We were just fooling, Pearl," Pierre said.
"I don't have the patience for the two of you right now. Leave me alone!" I yelled at them.
"We're sorry," Pierre said. He seized Jean's arm. "Come on. Let's go see if we can get some ice cream."
"What's the matter with her?" Jean asked, confused.
"Let's go," Pierre ordered. Although Jean was stronger, he obeyed his brother, and the four of them scurried back to the house, leaving me with my shadows.
Above, the sky that had been mostly clear with stars gleaming was growing increasingly overcast. It was as if the clouds were being drawn from one horizon to the other like some great dark curtain to shut out the heavens and shut away the happiness I had experienced this day. I planted myself on a lounge chair and listened to the sounds of the city that drifted over our walls.
"What's wrong, Pearl?" I heard someone say a short while later. I looked up to see Mommy standing in the shadows.
"Nothing."
She stepped into the pale glow of the patio lights. "I know you too well, honey, and you know I feel your sadness," she said. She did, too. We were so close at times, it made Daddy shake his head in wonder. "I carried you inside me. We're too much a part of each other not to know each other's deepest feelings. What happened?"
I shrugged. "I said no, and everyone left. They think I'm a goody-goody, a brain without feelings."
"Oh, I see." She sat down beside me. In the increasing darkness, her face was hidden in shadow, but her eyes caught the pale light and glimmered with sympathy. "I know it's painful for you to drive your friends away, but you have to do what your heart tells you is right.
"Once, a long time ago," she added, "I said no, and I think I saved my life."
"Really? What happened?"
"My sister and a boyfriend came by in a car and asked me to go along with them. They had been smoking pot, and I saw they were already high, laughing, being reckless. They thought I was a party pooper, too, and I remember wondering if maybe there wasn't something wrong with me, maybe I was too old for my age."