Just then, everyone noticed the smoke.
"Where is that smoke coming from?" asked Chiun, crinkling his tiny nose.
"It comes from the trunk of the old Bunji Lama," said Kula. "See? It has closed itself. Now it is smoking. The Bunji Lama craves our attention."
"Oh, hell," muttered Remo. "Here it comes."
Kula threw open the trunk. Pungent smoke rolled out. It smelled like a compost pile on fire.
"What is it you wish to reveal, O Light That Was?" asked Lobsang of the wizened form.
But the old Bunji Lama simply sat there, smoking. Then, all at once, his gold brocade robe surged up in fire.
"It is being consumed!" Lobsang cried. "The old Bunji Lama is leaving us. What can it mean?"
"It means," Remo said dryly, "that he caught fire."
As they watched, the mummy blackened, shriveled and collapsed into a pile of sooty bones and ash.
Revealed was a statue of gold, blank of face and holding a sword point down in his joined hands.
"Look," Kula gasped, "it is another faceless joss. Exactly like the first."
"It is a sign," said Chiun. "The Bunji Lama has offered proof that the joss of the new Bunji Lama is the true one by magically producing its mate!"
"Is this truth?" Lobsang asked Squirrelly.
"Sounds good to me," Squirrelly giggled.
And at that, both Lobsang Drom and Kula the Mongol prostrated themselves before Squirrelly Chicane, saying, "We are your servants, O Light That has Come at Last."
With a shriek of glee, Squirrelly Chicane cried, "I'm the Bunji Lamb! I'm the Bunji Lamb! I knew it! I knew it! I have such awesome karma! This is better than winning at 'Wheel of Fortune'!"
"It's Bunji Lama," said Remo unhappily.
Squirrelly was dancing around the room now. "Wait'll I tell my friends. Wait'll I call my mother! I'm the Bunji Lamb. And I'm gonna be the Bunjiest Lamb that ever was."
"This is the greatest scam that ever was," sobbed Kula, brushing a tear from his eye.
Remo sidled up to the Master of Sinanju and whispered, "I hate to pop everyone's bubble, but I stashed that Oscar in the trunk."
"I know," said Chiun.
"How'd you know?"
"Because I knew you had recognized the joss where the others did not when I beheld the dazed look upon your pale face."
"Wait a minute! Are you telling me you took everyone out of the room because you knew I'd stash the statue?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you just point it out yourself?"
"Because I have pointed out every other portent. It was someone else's turn."
"What about the other statue?"
Chiun shrugged. "Sometimes the gods smile twice in one day."
"Great. Now I'm a part of one of your con jobs."
"No one forced you to do what you did."
"So what do we do now?"
"Celebrate the good fortune of our Buddhist friends who have discovered their long-lost high priestess," said Chiun.
"High is right," said Remo, eyeing the spectacle of Squirrelly Chicane as she squatted down, and like an aging beatnik, began beating out a drum solo on Lobsang Drom's bald and uncomplaining head.
"SO," SQUIRRELLY WAS saying after settling down onto a divan. "Tell me about the Bunji Lamb. What was I like? Who were my lovers? Did I have a craving for chocolate-covered cherries?"
They were seated in a circle about the room, on the floor, in lotus positions. The maid had served tofu and carrot juice. Squirrelly was digging into a large bowl of double-peach frozen yogurt.
Remo sat away from the others because he didn't like the way Squirrelly was eyeing him. If there was such a felony as lascivious gaze, she'd do the maximum jail term.
"It does not matter what you were, Bunji Rinpoche," said Lobsang. "What matters is what you are to be."
"Huh?"
"You are the Bunji Lama."
"You mean I was the Bunji Lamb."
"'Lama,'" said Remo. "Get it right."
Squirrelly frowned at her yogurt. "Llama. Isn't that an animal? I saw a herd of them last time I was in Peru. They smelled worse than wet sheep."
Lobsang Drom intoned, "The Light That Is, you were the Bunji Lama in times past and you are the Bunji Lama anew. You have always been the Bunji Lama. You will always be the Bunji Lama until you have achieved perfect Buddhahood and the cycle of incarnations is no longer necessary for you."
Squirrelly brought the yogurt to her firm mouth and let it slide down her throat before saying, "I'm not following this. How can I be the Bunji llama in this life if I'm already Squirrelly Chicane?"
"Now that you know who you truly are, you are no longer Squirrelly Chicane," Lobsang explained. "Now you are the Bunji Lama."
"Okay," Squirrelly said slowly. "I'm the Bunji Llama. I accept that. Let's get serious about this. I'm the Bunji Llama. First thing I need to know is what does the Bunji Llama wear?"
Lobsang Drom blinked.
"Wear?"
"Yes. What's my wardrobe? I do get a wardrobe, don't I?"
"Yes. I have brought your meditation robes."
Chiun spoke up. "Remo, fetch the meditation robes of the new Bunji Lama."
Remo got up to go.
"Walk slowly, Remo," Squirrelly called after him. "I want to meditate on your buns."
Remo backed out of the room wearing an unhappy expression.
He returned a moment later and surrendered a small ebony chest. Lobsang Drom set it before him and opened it reverently. Out came a silken robe. With silent ceremony he offered it folded to Squirrelly Chicane.
Squirrelly took it, unfolded it, and her aging gamin face went slack.
"Saffron? That's not my color. Do you have anything in burgundy?"
Lobsang flinched.
"Her education has been neglected," Chiun said quickly. "It is obvious that the new Bunji Lama, after being lost for so long, suffers from loss of memory."
Lobsang nodded. "Yes, she suffers from loss of memory."
"I do?"
"She must be reeducated," added Chiun.
"You are a Buddhist?" Lobsang asked Squirrelly.
"Baptist."
"It is the same thing," said Chiun.
"Like hell it is," said Remo.
"I don't think we've been properly introduced," Squirrelly said suddenly, smiling in Remo's direction. "I'm Squirrelly Chicane."
"Remo Buttafuoco," said Remo.
"Any relation?"
"He's my sister."
"Sister?"
"Yeah, that part hasn't come out yet"
Squirrelly looked blank. "You know, I've suspected that for some time."
"Good for you."
Lobsang said, "You know the sutras?"
Squirrelly looked up from her empty yogurt cup. "Sutras?"
"Yes, you have learned these as a child?"
"I have a copy of the Kama Sutra." She looked toward Remo and smiled sweetly. "I know it by heart. Practice makes perfect."
"From this day forward," said Lobsang, "you must embrace celibacy."
"Celibacy!"
"You will eat no meat, no eggs, and meditate daily."
"I already do those things."
"Proof that she is truly Buddhist even if she has lost her way," cried Chiun.
"Look, whatever it takes, I'll do it. I'm really, really into being the Bunji Lamb. Or llama. Whatever. "
"You'll be sorry," said Remo.
"Hush," admonished Chiun.
"Why do you say that?" Squirrelly wanted to know.
"Because I've been on one of Chiun's little outings before. Everybody eats dung except him."
"I can see you're really evolved."
"Well, I don't go around thinking I've lived before."
"You have," said Squirrelly. "You just have to be open-minded like me."
"You're open-minded because you've got holes in your head."
"Remo has lived before," Chiun said blandly.
"The hell I have."
"You were once Lu the Disgraced. A Korean and a Master of Sinanju."
"Is this true, White Tiger?" asked Kula. "Were you once a Korean in a past life?"