But her thoughts have peeled away; at least that’s done with. She takes a hesitant step away from the lee side of a pine tree and moves forward. Sand mixed with black soil, so loose that she sinks down into it up to her ankles. A firebreak freshly tilled in the anticipation of forest fires. There won’t be any more fires. Her thoughts have peeled down to the moist, living pith. Down to her being, to the present, free of the past, the future, genetics, ancestry and contemplation, from high school certificates and notices from detention centers. It suddenly seems to her that this spiritual peace is thievery. Like an unending and painful embodiment of others’ lives — it was such a deep hole, but now it’s just a thick layer: the woods, the road, and the sky. That has to be proof of suffering, she wants to shout, but falls quiet. And if that ends up being the only chance to keep going? Stoop down and grab a handful of your shadow along with the sand — nothing but the woods, the road, and the sky. And you. A thickening of matter, an accidental obstacle to the sun’s rays, a being without genes, without ancestors, without a past, or a future. An observer, someone who has seen one or two of the most beautiful moments of her life in nature. There aren’t many of these moments, but there are some, and she can’t stop thinking about them. She thinks she’ll even remember them in her final hour, like fog snaking through the city on a sweltering summer morning. The movements of fog animals in the empty city streets, when the mist slips its tendrils into the ancient river valley. Movement without movement. Or when the first snow falls on the lake in the forest. A black, clear mirror that glitters endlessly, a disappearing curtain of white, an army of snow, billions of flakes that cease to exist as soon as they touch the clean, black void.
Yes, but was there ever ugly scenery in the woods? Wasn’t the darkening sky every fall evening when, if you were able to persuade yourself to stop for a few seconds in a clearing to see a pair of ravens fly off with a low “craw-craw,” to see the white jet trails of a plane in the gleam of the setting sun turn redder and redder, and the fine lace of the north-facing treetops grow mysteriously blacker and blacker against the rich yellow sky… wasn’t that beauty? Just like the concentrated color of an expanding sunset before the night thickens, before the earth sinks into itself — there’s no sign of the ideas the wind carelessly sowed where the forest stands in the crisp, wintery stillness, immersed to its roots and tips in a meditation only it can know. A beauty for itself, yet simultaneously meant for her to see. Meant for her, a single body so small in this large clearing. And the glimpse of life that finds her in that moment is rapid and just as insignificant as a train whistling as it leaves an empty station. An essentially unnecessary gesture, a superfluous signal without an addressee; because there isn’t anybody here, just the surge of tracks from horizon to horizon and the inky wall of frozen spruce trees, along which the train carries its cry and the warm electric glow of its windows.
She once read, though who knows where: You’ll fall from grace more than once, but it’s okay. It boggled her mind and she thought it over for a long time. It seemed to her that someone was playing a sick joke. What she saw as a sin was nothing more than a lesson to someone else? She couldn’t believe it, but at the same time felt the tiniest hope that this sentence could take responsibility for its words. And what was sin, what kind of word was it? As someone once told her, like the greatest Dostoevsky novel in its both satanic and holy natures, sin was not what people called upon when chasing murderers and thieves to the gallows, oh no, that was another, much more brutal matter, undeserving of that fine whisper of a word “sin”. Sin, he’d said — look into your heart, look at the momentary shivers of hate, desire, pride, envy, gossip, and jealousy that are born in it — that’s sin, locked up in your heart’s emotions, the same heart that also has forgiveness and the eternal balance of peace hidden in it; look at the agitated surface of your blood and you’ll have something to confess to — it doesn’t matter to whom, a priest, the sea or the Holy Mount Kazbek; measure how level your heart is and you’ll find that it’s not the other person you hate, but rather what he provokes in you, your dishonest desires and weaknesses. That’s what you hate, not him, he’s not at fault; he’s like a child, how could he be at fault? But these ripples of resistance coming from your heart are yours, they have your eye color and your facial expressions, not yet put into words or to use. Your heart hides sin in its thoughts. Then suddenly this — you’ll fall from grace more than once, but it’s okay. Get up and move on. Don’t make the same mistake twice. If only she could graft this thought onto her body, like cultivating a double-blossom flower in hopes for a thriving species.
You have to be the most careful when driving in the car, yes, of course. That is, if you can even look up. Oh, secret… locked chest of time… serious and melancholy expression… impossible closeness. A bowl that cannot be filled even when there is too much, a cup that cannot be emptied — human! If you consider how many gears need to fall into place for even a shadow of intimacy, a figment of intimacy, an imitation of intimacy to be possible… But if it’s true intimacy, the immensely aching, desperate attempt to overcome time and bodies and to make out the darkest chasms within each other? Then to be able to look each other in the eye after all of it — isn’t that a miracle? And when you’re in the car you see the right side of his face. The right side is supposedly from God. So it’s the best one. The first one to be lost in war. But it’s also the most beautiful, without a doubt. And the road itself is beautiful, as is the destiny of the landscape rushing by to flash and reflect in your face and eyes, to change.
That’s why you’re careful when he offers to take you to Paris — well, maybe not Paris, but maybe to Helsinki, Tukums, Kaliningrad or Lake Baikal. The road shines in his eyes and it’s always beautiful. No one is more beautiful than a person on the road. He’s carefree and pulls you along with him. The road, the beauty, an aching. But hold on to even the tiniest piece of your critical mind. We grow more irrational with every year and, it’s very possible, may someday even understand Russia — no, nonsense, we don’t have to understand Russia, just blaze through it wild and barefooted, doling out their penance. But try to maintain even the tiniest bit of your critical mind, so things don’t totally backfire, so the dark Russian land doesn’t swallow you up. Or at least maintain your belief in yourself. Leave yourself the freedom to wake up the following workday and walk to the lake and back. You won’t really go anywhere; you’ll slump into the trolley or your favorite Rolls-Royce and head off to work. But leave that afterglow of freedom in your mind, that possibility to just go down to the lake — and you won’t have to go anywhere. You’ll be at peace.
What’s the reason for her restlessness and desire? It’s simple to the point of cliché. She’s once again overcome by this wave and doesn’t know if the wave is crashing over her, or if she’s the wave itself. Respectively, what’s putting her through her paces: destiny or free will? The reason is ridiculously simple, the same reason why she doesn’t like or read those so-called “books on relationships.” They’re garbage and dangerous. As soon as the words “she” and “he” appear on the page she slams the book shut and throws it into the corner with a crash because it’ll probably be the same old story about that maternal instinct that makes women get involved with jackasses. It could just be Ieva’s own miserable experience making her rebel. Because love has once again come down on her, but not a relationship, God no, there’s no sign yet of that swampland called “a relationship.” She’s been overcome by a clean and pure love, and she’d like to reduce this fire to embers as soon as possible, so everything would once again be ruled by calm and the quiet crackle of coals deep in the ashes. This peaceful state is her favorite: cinders on the outside and a quiet movement in the depths, the hidden smoldering of the coals. She likes it, but it’s not possible to burn anything out faster than it’s meant to, life is fire, love is fire, days are sprouts of light on the stem of an evening primrose, light is fire, and time is fire and warmth. And then comes the high tide, then comes the ninth wave and, if you’re the only one who can’t hold her breath long enough to dive to the next low tide, then grab hold of him and soar over it all.