“That is true.”
“But I don’t see you making any plans to visit Capri, now that you can. Why is that?”
She had never thought of it before. But the answer seemed so obvious that she was surprised he had to ask.
“Because what I’ve loved all along is not Capri the physical entity—it could have been any beautiful, faraway place. What mattered was the hope and solace it gave me when I was a prisoner in my uncle’s house.”
He looked at her, his eyes very severe. Perhaps he did not understand her entirely.
She tried again. “Think of a raft, if you will. When a river is too wide and swift to cross by swimming, we need the raft. But once we have reached the farther shore, we leave the raft at the water’s edge.”
“And you have reached the farther shore.”
She trailed her fingertips over the silk flowers ornamenting her hat. “I have crossed the river. As fond as I always shall be of my raft, I don’t need it anymore.”
He walked a few steps away. “So you are happy with your life and need no further bolstering?”
She bit the inside of her cheek. “Perhaps I could use just a little more bolstering.”
“What would that be?” he said without inflection.
She’d thought she’d require more fortitude to confess her attachment. But when he’d kissed and held her at night, when he’d walked five miles beside her this morning, he’d made it easy to speak the word. “You,” she said, her voice not at all hesitant or wobbly.
“How will I accomplish this admirable deed?”
“By doing what you have done already: walking with me and making love to me.” She flushed only a little as she said those last few words.
He walked farther away. Skittish, her man.
She followed him into the keep. A mansion had once stood in the bailey but now only stone walls, archways, and empty window frames remained. The morning sun streamed through the breaks in the walls; the interior of the ruins was cool but not gloomy.
She laid her hand on his arm, the Harris tweed of his coat pleasantly woolly against her palm. When he did not remove her hand, she grew bolder and pressed a kiss on his cheek, and then another on his lips. There she lingered, until she coaxed him into parting his lips.
All of a sudden he kissed her back, hard, making her head spin.
And just as abruptly, he pushed her away.
Never in his life had Vere botched anything so thoroughly as he had his should-have-been marriage in name only.
He didn’t know what was wrong with him.
Or perhaps he did and simply couldn’t bear to acknowledge it.
She was not the companion he wanted—hadn’t the issue already been settled again and again? What he wanted was as different from her as the Isle of Capri was from Australia. He wanted milk and honey; nourishing, sweet, wholesome. She was laudanum; potent, addictive, occasionally helpful in forgetting his troubles, but dangerous in large dosages.
She was also a liar and a manipulator—he still had the note she’d written Freddie that night, a physical manifestation of her intent to lure Freddie into her clutches, to deprive him of his happiness with Angelica for her own gains.
And yet here, out in the open, where at any moment an omnibus of tourists could pull up, he had nearly lost control once more. And this time without any excuses of tears, alcohol, or nightmares. It was a bright, brisk day, she was cheerful, and he’d thought himself grimly determined to speak the ugly but necessary truth.
He took several steps away from her.
If he didn’t say it now, he would not be able to do it ever: She radiated such gladness he was on the verge of forgetting that she was the last thing from the sunny simplicity he needed to drive the darkness from his own soul.
He forced out the words. “Once your uncle has been sentenced, I would like an annulment.”
She had been smoothing her sleeve and peering at him, her expression puzzled but still hopeful. She stilled; the color on her cheeks drained. She turned her gaze more squarely toward him.
“I’ll make a generous settlement on you. You will have enough to live wherever you like in ease and luxury. On Capri itself, if you should desire.”
“But an annulment is not possible,” she said. His conscience contorted at the complete, almost naïve confusion in her voice. “Once the marriage has been consummated, it is not possible.”
“With enough money and enough lawyers, it is not only possible, but has been achieved repeatedly.”
“But…but we will have to lie.”
She was so disproportionately bewildered that he considered for the very first time the likelihood that she was not as worldly as he’d thought. That she’d truly believed they were married for good.
“Both of us lie brilliantly. I don’t see any problems at all.”
She looked up into the rectangle of blue sky above them, framed by the manse’s dilapidated walls. “Has this always been your intention?”
“Yes.”
Her hand dug into her skirts. Her shoulders bunched tight. The ache in his heart turned into a sharp pain.
“I would like my own freedom,” he said, intentionally heartless. “You should understand that.”
Equating their marriage and her virtual imprisonment had the desired effect. A grim anger replaced the heartbroken bafflement in her eyes. Her gaze turned hard.
“So this is a straightforward transaction,” she said. “You give me money for your freedom.”
“Yes.”
“Am I correct in assuming that because of what happened last night, your freedom costs more today than it did yesterday?”
“Perhaps.”
“So I’m a whore in my own marriage.”
Her words were a kick to his stomach.
“I’m paying for my lack of control.”
“Oh, my, Lord Vere, why didn’t you say so sooner?” she said bitingly. “Had I understood earlier that making you lose control more frequently was going to net me a larger fortune, I’d have devoted my days to your seduction.”
“Be thankful that I have enough scruples to compensate you for the use of your body. And that I will keep silent on how you entrapped me—and how you meant to entrap Freddie.”
She flinched. His callousness took his own breath away; he was using her one great act of desperation as justification for his utter selfishness.
She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I’ve always known that I’m no prize, but I thought you were,” she said. “I thought the man behind the idiot would be fascinating. I thought he would understand what it is like to act a part all the time. And I thought he would have some sympathy for me, because it is not an easy life. I was wrong: You were a better man as the idiot you played. He was sweet, kind, and decent. I’m sorry I didn’t properly appreciate him when I had the chance.”
See, he thought. This was precisely why he needed a milk-and-honey companion, one who would never grasp that he was not sweet, not kind, and not always dependably decent, but only love him tenderly, blindly, unquestioningly.
It was as much a castle in the sky as her whimsy of a wild and empty Capri. Like her, he had held on to it through his darkest days, this unlikely vision of domestic haven. But unlike her, he was not ready to abandon something that had sustained him this many years, for a woman he did not want to love, except when he was drunk, lonely, or otherwise unable to control himself.
Chapter Eighteen
Her legs ached, her feet hurt, and her hands itched to slap him. For some time on the long road home she marched ahead of him, until she took a wrong turn and he had to call her back. After that she walked with him within her peripheral view, his silence steadily feeding the anger inside her.
Why had she believed she could find safety and contentment with someone who led a double life? No one embarked on such a path without duress. Had she thought about it, she would have realized that behind the idiot there must be a man as secretive and warped as herself.