“How old do you have to be? Never mind, I know what you mean.”
“I wore gloves all the time, like a nice little suburban lady, so there were no fingerprints to worry about. And I left and pulled the door shut, and it locked behind me, and I went home.”
“Steeped in the satisfaction of a job well done.”
“Well, I don’t know about that,” she said. “I got home and poured myself a stiff drink, and then I poured it down the sink, because what do I want with a drink?”
“You were never a drinker.”
“No, but this time I had the impulse anyway, which shows how I felt. I sat there and watched her die, Keller. I never did anything like that before.”
“It was different with the old man.”
“Apples and bananas. He didn’t kick his feet and throw his arms around and make noises. He was asleep, and I just made sure he wouldn’t wake up. And you know what he was like. It was an act of mercy.” She made a face. “With the star lady, it was no act of mercy. The picture in my mind, the expression on her face, mercy had nothing to do with it.”
“It’ll fade, Dot.”
“Huh?”
“The picture in your mind. It won’t go away, but it’ll fade, and that’s enough.”
“Keller, I’m a big girl. I can live with it.”
“I know, but you can live without it, too. It’ll fade, believe me, and you can make it fade faster. There’s an exercise you can do.”
“I just hope it’s not deep knee bends.”
“No, it’s all mental. Close your eyes. I’m serious, Dot. Close your eyes.”
“So?”
“Now let the picture come into your mind. Louise in her overstuffed chair-“
“Looking overstuffed herself.”
“No, don’t make jokes. Just let yourself picture the scene.”
“All right.”
“And you’re seeing it from up close, and in color.”
“I didn’t have much choice, Keller. I was there, I wasn’t watching it on a black-and-white TV set.”
“Let the color fade.”
“Huh?”
“Let the color drain out of the picture in your mind. Like you’re dialing down the color knob on a TV.”
“How do I-“
“Just do it.”
“Like the shoe ads.”
“Is the color gone?”
“Not completely. But it’s muted. Ooops-it came back.”
“Fade it again.”
“Okay.”
“Closer to gray this time, right?”
“A little bit.”
“Good,” he said. “Now back off.”
“Huh?”
“Like a zoom shot,” he said, “except it’s more of a reverse zoom shot, because the picture in your mind is getting smaller. Back off twenty yards or so.”
“There’s a wall behind me.”
“No there’s not. You’ve got all the room in the world, and the picture’s getting smaller and smaller, with less and less color in it.”
They were both silent for a moment, and then she opened her eyes. “That was weird,” she said.
“Whenever the picture comes into your mind,” he said, “just take a minute or two and do what you just did. You’ll reach a point where, when you try to picture that scene, it’ll be in black and white. You won’t be able to see it in color, or up close.”
“And that takes the sting out of it, huh?”
“Pretty much.”
“That what you do, Keller?”
“It’s what I used to do,” he said. “Early on.”
“What happened? It stopped working?”
He shook his head. “I got so I didn’t need to do it anymore.”
“You toughened up, huh?”
“I don’t know if that was it,” he said. “I think it’s more a matter of getting used to it, or maybe the exercise had long-term effects. Whatever it was, it got so the pictures didn’t bother me much. And they tended to fade all by themselves. The color would wash out, and they would get smaller and smaller, until you couldn’t make out the details.”
The other loose end turned out to be Maggie.
He’d pretty much figured that out by himself. There was a moment, when Dot was recounting her visit to Louise’s apartment, that it struck him that he, Keller, was the loose end, the string which if tugged would lead back to the big house in White Plains. He was reaching for his glass of iced tea when the thought came to him, and he put the glass down, as if it might hold the same substance as Louise’s final piece of chocolate.
But that was ridiculous, he’d already drunk half the tea in his glass, and they were both drinking from the same pitcher. Besides, the whole notion was senseless. If Dot wanted to get rid of him she wouldn’t do it in her own house, and she wouldn’t preface it with a conversation anything like this one.
No, he knew who the other loose end had to be.
“But she doesn’t know anything,” he told Dot. “She’s convinced I’m a corporate guy, retired now, working once in a while on a freelance basis. She thinks I fly off to Silicon Valley now and then and help them crunch numbers.”
“She’s the one who sent you to the star lady.”
“Yes, but-“
“In fact, she’s the one who told you about your murderous thumb.”
“But we stopped seeing each other. She’s not in my life anymore.”
“When’s the last time you talked with her?”
“The time before last,” he said, “was months ago, and-“
“That’s not what I asked you, Keller.”
“Yesterday,” he said, “but that’s because I called her. Because I was trying to find Louise, and I thought Maggie might know if she’d moved.”
“But she didn’t.”
“She told me I didn’t need an astrologer to know which way the stars were falling.”
“What was that supposed to mean?”
“I think all it meant was she was angry with me. She broke up with me, and she was angry that I hadn’t called her.”
“Makes sense.”
“There was a call two months ago,” he remembered. “I picked it up and said hello a couple of times, and the person hung up.”
“Wrong number, most likely.”
“It didn’t feel like a wrong number,” he said, “so I hit Star-six-nine, and she picked up the phone and said hello a couple of times, and this time I didn’t answer.”
“Gave her a taste of her own medicine.”
“Well, I couldn’t think what to say. I just hung up, and the phone rang-“
“Her turn, I guess.”
“-and I let it ring, and that was the end of it. But she couldn’t have been referring to that. It was something more recent, and messages she’d left for me, except she didn’t.”
“Except she did, Keller.”
“Huh?”
“Well, this is embarrassing,” she said. “When you go out of town, sometimes I check your messages.”
“What?”
“Only since Roger came into our lives. I was worried about you, Keller. I have these protective Mother Hen instincts. So one evening when there was nothing good on television I called your number.”
“And I wasn’t there.”
“Of course not, you were in Albuquerque or something. The machine picked up and I heard your recorded voice.”
“And you got all misty-eyed.”
“Yeah, right. I left a message, something about hoping you were having a good time, and then I decided it was stupid to be leaving messages for you. So I called back and erased it.”
“How?”
“How? I called back, and the machine picked up, and I punched in the code, and when I heard my own message I pressed three and erased it.”
“How’d you know the code?”
“When you buy the machine,” she said, “the code is five-five-five, and they tell you how you can change it.”
“And I did.”
“To four-four-four, Keller.”