The General thought it over, then heaved a great sigh.
"I was never that much in favor of the wedding, anyway," he admitted.
"Just a minute, boys," Big Julie said, holding up a weary hand. "It's not quite that easy. The money thing may have slowed up their search a bit, but now that the Mob is here, there are a couple other matters they're gonna want to settle."
"Such as?" I asked, dreading the answer.
"Well, first off, there's me and my boys. Nobody just walks away from the Mob, you know. Their pay scale is great, but their retirement plan stinks."
"I thought you said they didn't want their army anymore," Badaxe grumbled.
"Maybe not as an army, but they can always use manpower. They'll probably break us up and absorb us into various positions in the organization."
"Would you be willing to go back to work for them?"
Big Julie rubbed his chin with one hand as he considered the General's question.
"I'd have to talk to the boys," he said. "Like I said, this kingdom's been pretty good to us. I'd hate to see anything happen to it because we were here... especially if we'd end up working for them again anyway."
"No, "I said flatly.
"But..."
"I said 'No!' You've got a deal with Possiltum, Big Julie. More important, you've got a deal with me. We don't turn you over to the Mob until we've tried everything we can do to defend you."
"And how do you propose to defend them from the Mob?" Badaxe asked, sarcastically.
"I don't know. I'm working on it. Maybe we can buy them off. Offer them Queen Hemlock to hold for ransom or something."
"Lord Magician!"
"Okay, okay. I said I was still working on it, didn't I? What's next. Big Julie? You said there were a couple things they wanted besides money."
"You," he said bluntly. "The Mob isn't going to be happy until they get the Great Skeeve, Court Magician of Possiltum."
"Me?" I said in a small voice.
"The Mob didn't get to the top by ignoring the competition. You've made some pretty big ripples with your work, and the biggest as far as they're concerned is making their army disappear. They know you're big. Big enough to be a threat. They're gonna want you neutralized. My guess is that they'll try to hire you, and failing that, try for some sort of non-aggression deal."
"And failing that... ?" Badaxe asked, echoing my thoughts.
Big Julie shrugged.
"Failing that, they're gonna do their best to kill you."
Chapter Nine:
"I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty."
-P. IN BOOTS
"BUT why do I have to come along?" Badaxe protested, pacing along at my side as we strode towards the Queen's chambers.
"Call it moral support," I growled. "Besides, I want a witness that I went into the Queen's chambers ... and came out again, if you get my drift."
"But if this will only solve one of our problems...."
"... Then it will be one less problem for us to deal with. Shh! Here we are."
I had switched back to my Rodrick disguise. That combined with the General's presence was enough to have the Honor Guards at the Queen's chambers snap to rigid attention at our approach. I ignored them and hammered on the door, though I did have a moment to reflect that not long ago, I thought the biggest problem facing a king was boredom!
"For cryin' out loud!" came a shrill voice from within. "Can't you guards get anything right? I told you I didn't want to be disturbed!"
One of the guards rolled his eyes in exasperation. I favored him with a sympathetic smile, then raised an eyebrow at Badaxe.
"King Rodrick the Fifth of Possiltum seeks an audience with Queen Hemlock!" he bellowed.
"I suppose it's all right," came the reply. "How about first thing in the morning?"
"Now," I said.
I didn't say it very loud, but it must have carried. Within a few heartbeats the door flew open, exposing Queen Hemlock... literally. I can't describe her clothing because she wasn't wearing any. Not a stitch!
"Roddie!" she chirped, oblivious to the guards and Badaxe, all of whom gaped at her nakedness. "Come on in. What in the world are you doing here?"
"Wait for me," I instructed Badaxe in my most commanding tone.
"C-certainly, your Majesty!" he responded, tearing his eyes away from the Queen long enough to snap to attention.
With that, I stepped into the Queen's lair.
"So, what have you got for me?" She shut the door and leaned back against it. The action made her point at me, even though her hands were behind her back.
"I beg your pardon?"
"The audience," she clarified. "You wanted it, you got it. What's up?"
Somehow under the circumstances, I found that to be another embarrassing question.
"I ... um ... that is ... could you please put something on? I'm finding your attire, or lack thereof, to be quite distracting."
"Oh, very well. It is beastly hot in here, though."
She flounced across the room and came up with a flimsy something which she shrugged into, but didn't close completely.
"Right after the wedding," she declared, "I want that window enlarged, or better yet, the whole wall torn out. Anything to get a little ventilation in this place."
She plopped down in a chair and curled her legs up under her. It eased my discomfort somewhat, but not much.
"Ahh ... actually, that's what I'm here to talk to you about."
"The window?" she frowned.
"No. The wedding."
That made her frown even more.
"I thought it was agreed that I would handle all the wedding arrangements. Oh, well, if you've got any specific changes, it isn't too late to...."
"It isn't that," I interrupted hastily. "It's... well, it's come to my attention that the high prices Possiltum is charging your kingdom for food is forcing you into this marriage. Not wishing to have you enter into such a bond under duress, I've decided to cut our prices in half, thereby negating the need for our wedding."
"Oh, Roddie, don't be silly. That's not the reason I'm marrying you!"
Rather than being upset, the Queen seemed quite amused at my suggestion.
"It isn't?"
"Of course not. Impasse is so rich that we could buy your yearly crop at double the prices if we wanted to and still not put a dent in our treasury."
My stomach began to sink.
"Then you really want this marriage? You aren't being forced into it for political reasons?"
The Queen flashed all her teeth at me in a quick smile.
"Of course there are political reasons. I mean, we are royalty, aren't we? I'm sure you're a pleasant enough fellow, but I can get all the pleasant fellows I want with out marrying them. Royalty marries power blocks, not people."
There was a glimmer of hope in what she was saying, and I pounced on it with all fours.
"... Which brings us to the other reason we should call off the wedding," I said grandly.
The Queen's smile disappeared.
"What's that?" she said sharply.
For my reply, I let drop my disguise spell.
"Because I'm not Royalty. I'm people."
"Oh, that," the Queen shrugged. "No problem. I knew that all along."
"You did?" I gulped.
"Sure. You were embarrassed ... twice. Once when I arrived at the palace, and again just now when I opened the door in my all-together. Royalty doesn't embarrass. It's in the blood. I knew all long you weren't Rodrick. It's my guess you're the Great Skeeve, Court Magician. Right? The one who can shape change?"
"Well, it's a disguise spell, not shape changing, but except for that, you're right."
Between Badaxe and Queen Hemlock, I was starting to wonder if anyone was really fooled by my disguise spells.