"Slut," my new apprentice hissed. "No-talent mechanic," Tananda shot back. "Is that freak on our payroll?" Grimble interrupted, staring at Chumly.
"Spoken like a true bean-counter," the troll sneered.
I tried to break it up.
"If we can just..."
That brought Grimble's attention to me.
"You!" he gasped. "But if you're Skeeve, then who's...."
"King Rodrick of Possiltum," I supplied, nodding to the bound figure on the bed. "And now that everybody knows each other, can you all shut up while I tell you what our next move is?"
Chapter Thirteen:
"Marriage, being a lifelong venture, must be approached with care and caution."
-BLUEBEARD
THE wedding went off without a hitch.
I don't known why I had been worried. There were no interruptions, no missed lines, nobody protested or even coughed at the wrong time. As was previously noted, Queen Hemlock had handled the planning to the last minute detail... except for a few surprises we were holding back.
That's why I was worried! My cronies and I knew that as gaudy and overdone as the Royal Wedding was, it was only the warm-up act for the main event. There was also the extra heat on me of knowing that I hadn't shared all of my plans with my co-conspirators. It seemed that was another bad habit I had picked up from Aahz.
Grimble and Badaxe were at their usual places as mismatched bookends to the throne, while Chumly, Tananda, Massha, and I, courtesy of my disguise spells and Badaxe's pull as general, were lined up along the foot of the throne as bodyguards. Everything was set to go ... if we ever got the time!
As dignitary after dignitary stepped forward to offer his or her congratulations and gifts, I found little to occupy my thoughts except how many things could go wrong with my little scheme. I had stuck my neck out a long way with my plan, and if it didn't work, a lot of people would be affected, starting with the king and subjects of Possiltum.
The more I thought, the more I worried until, instead of wishing the dignitaries would hurry, I actually found myself hoping they would take forever and preserve this brief moment of peace.
Of course, no sooner did I start hoping things would last then they were over. The last well-wisher was filing out and the Queen herself rising to leave when Grimble and Badaxe left their customary positions and stepped before the throne.
"Before you go, my dear," Rodrick said, "our retainers wish to extend their compliments."
Queen Hemlock frowned slightly, but resumed her seat.
"The Chancellor of the Exchequer stands ready to support their majesties in any way," Grimble began. "Of course, even with the new influx of wealth into the treasury, we must watch needless expenses. As always, I stand ready to set the example in cost savings, and so have decided that to purchase a present for you equal to my esteem would be a flagrant and unnecessary expense, and therefore..."
"Yes, yes, Grimble," the King interrupted. "We understand and appreciate your self-sacrifice. General Badaxe?"
Grimble hesitated, then yielded the floor to his rival. "I am a fighting man, not a speechmaker," the General said abruptly. "The army stands ready to support the kingdom and the throne of Possiltum. As for myself ... here is my present."
He removed the axe from his belt and laid it on the stairs before the throne.
Whether he was offering his pet weapon or his personal allegiance, I found the gesture eloquent beyond words.
"Thank you. General Badaxe, Grimble," Queen Hemlock said loftily. "I'm sure I can ..."
"My dear," the King interrupted softly. "There is another retainer."
And I was on.
Screwing up my courage, I dropped my disguise and stepped before the throne.
"Your majesties, the Great Skeeve gives you his congratulations on this happy event."
The Queen was no fool. For one beat her eyes popped open and on the next she was staring at the King. You could almost hear her thoughts: "If the Magician is there, then the man I just married is..."
"That's right, your majesty. As you yourself said in our earlier conversations, 'Royalty has married royalty.' "
While it might have been nice dramatically to savor that moment, I noticed the Queen's eyes were narrowing thoughtfully, so I hurried on.
"Before you decide how to express your joy," I warned, "perhaps I should explain my gift to the throne."
Now the thoughtful gaze was on me. I expressed my own joy by sweating profusely.
"My gift is the wedding rings now worn by both king and queen. I hope you like them, because they won't come off."
Queen Hemlock made one brief attempt to remove her ring, then her eyes were on me again. This time, the gaze wasn't thoughtful.
"Just as the fate of the kingdom of Possiltum is linked to the throne, as of the moment you donned those rings, your fates are linked to each other. By the power of a spell so simple it cannot be broken or countered, when one of you dies, so does the other."
The Queen didn't like that at all, and even the King showed a small frown wrinkle on his forehead, as if contemplating something he had not previously considered. That was my signal to clarify things for him... that there was an implication to the rings that I hadn't mentioned to him.
"This is not intended as a 'one-sided' gift, for just as Queen Hemlock must now protect the health and wellbeing of her king, so must King Rodrick defend his queen against all dangers ... all dangers." The King was on his feet now, eyes flashing. "What is that supposed to mean. Lord Magician?" As adept as I was at becoming at courtly speech, there were things which I felt were best said in the vernacular.
"It means if you or anybody else kills her, say, on your orders, then, you're dead. Now SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!" All the anger and frustration I had felt since figuring out the King was trying to double-cross me, but had been too busy to express, found its vent in that outburst. It worked. The King sank back into his chair, pale and slightly shaken. I wasn't done, though. I had been through a lot, and a few words weren't enough to settle my mind.
"Since I accepted this assignment, I've heard nothing but how ruthless and ambitious Queen Hemlock is. Well, that may be true, BUT SHE ISN'T GETTING ANY PRIZE EITHER! Right now. King Rodrick, I have more respect for her than I have for you. She didn't abandon her kingdom in the middle of a crisis."
I began to pace back and forth before the thrones as I warmed to my topic.
"Everybody talks about 'our duty to the throne.' It's the guiding directive in the walk-a-day life of commoners. What never gets mentioned is 'the throne's duty to the people.' ". I paused and pointed directly at the King. "I sat in that chair for a while. It's a lot of fun, deciding people's lives for them. Power is heady, and the fringe benefits are great! All that bowing and scraping, not to mention one heck of a wardrobe. Still, it's a job like any other, and with any job you sometimes have to do things you don't like. Badaxe doesn't just parade and review his troops, he has to train them and lead them into battle... you know, as in 'I could get killed out here' battle. Grimble spends ungodly hours poring over those numbers of his for the privilege of standing at your side.
"Any job has its pluses and minuses, and if the minuses outweigh the pluses, you screw up your courage and quit... unless, of course, you're King Rodrick. Then, instead of abdicating and turning the pluses and minuses over to someone else, you stick someone else with doing the job in your name and sneak out a back door. Maybe that's how people do their jobs where you were raised, but I think it's conduct a peasant would be ashamed of."