"But, your Majesty, I couldn't possibly substitute for you. I don't know how to be a King!"
"Nothing to it," Rodrick smiled. "The nice thing about being a King is that even when you're wrong, no one dares to point it out."
"But...."
"And besides, it will only be for one day. What could possibly go wrong in one day?"
Chapter Three:
"Once a knight, always a knight. But once a King is once too often!"
-SIR BELLA OF EASTMARCH
Now, I don't want you to think I'm a pushover. I drove a hard bargain with the King before giving in. I not only managed to get him to agree to a bonus, but to cough up a hefty percentage in advance before accepting the assignment. Not bad for a fledgling magician who was over a barrel.
Of course, once I accepted, I was no longer over a barrel. I was in over my head!
The more I thought about it, the worse the idea of standing in for the King seemed. The trouble was, I didn't have a choice ... or did I? I thought about it some more and a glimmer of hope appeared.
There was a way out! The only question was, how far could I run in a day? While not particularly worldly (or off-worldly for that matter) I was pretty sure that double-crossing kings wasn't the healthiest of pastimes.
It was going to be a big decision, definitely the biggest I ever had to make on my own. The King (or to be exact, his stand-in) wasn't due to make an appearance until noon tomorrow, so I had a little time to mull things over. With that in mind, I decided to talk it out with my last friend left in the palace. "What do you think, Gleep? Should I take it on the lam, or stick around and try to bluff it out for one day asking?"
The response was brief and to the point.
"Gleep!"
For those of you who've tuned in to this series late,
Gleep is my pet. He lives in the Royal Stables. He's also a twenty-foot long blue dragon ... half grown. (I shudder to think what he'll be like when he's fully grown! Groan!) As to his witty conversation, you'll have to forgive him. He only has a one-word vocabulary, but he makes up for it by using that word a lot. Wordy or not, I turned to him in this moment of crisis because with Aahz gone, he was the only one in this dimension who would be even vaguely sympathetic to my problem. That in itself says a lot about the social life of a magician.
"Come on, Gleep, get serious. I'm in real trouble. If I try to stand in for the King, I might make a terrible mistake... like starting a war or hanging an innocent man. On the other hand, if I double-cross the King and disappear, you and I would spend the rest of our lives as hunted fugitives."
The unicorn in the next stall snorted and stamped a foot angrily.
"Sorry, Buttercup. The three of us would be hunted fugitives."
War unicorns aren't all that common, even in Royal Stables. That particular war unicorn was mine. I acquired him as a gift shortly after I acquired Gleep. As I said before, this life-style is more than a little zooish.
"In a kingdom with a bad king, a lot of people would get hurt." I reasoned, "and I'd be a terrible king. Heck, I'm not all that good a magician."
"Gleep," my pet argued sternly.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it's true. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I'm not wild about being a hunted fugitive, either."
Tired of verbalizing his affection, Gleep decided to demonstrate his feelings by licking my face. Now, aside from leaving a slimy residue, my dragon's kisses have one other side effect. His breath is a blast of stench exceeded only by the smell of Pervish cooking.
"G... Gleep, old boy," I managed at last, "I love you dearly, but if you do that twice a week, we may part company ... permanently!"
"Gleep?"
That earned me a hurt expression, which I erased simply enough by scratching his head. It occurred to me that dragons had survived because each of them only became emotionally attached to one being in its lifetime. If their breath reached the entire population instead of a single individual, they would have been hunted into extinction long ago. No, it was better that only one person should suffer than ...
Another part of my mind grabbed that thought and started turning it over.
"If I run, then I'll be the only one in trouble, but if I try to be king, the whole kingdom suffers! That's it! I have to leave. It's the only decent thing to do. Thanks, Gleep!"
"Gleep?"
My pet cocked his head in puzzlement.
"I'll explain later. All right. It's decided. You two stock up on food while I duck back to my room to get a few things. Then it's 'Goodbye, Possiltum!' "
I've had pause to wonder what would have happened if I'd followed my original plan: just headed for my room, gathered up my belongings, and left. The timing for the rest of the evening would have changed, and the rest of this story would have been totally different. As it was, I made a slight detour. Halfway to my room, Aahz's training cut in. That is, I started thinking about money.
Even as a hunted fugitive, money would come in handy... and the King's advance would only last so long. With a little extra cash, I could run a lot farther, hide a lot longer ... or at the very least live a lot better. ...
Buoyed by these thoughts, I went looking for J. R. Grimble.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer and I had never been what you would call close friends. Blood enemies would be a better description. Aahz always maintained that this was because of my growing influence in court. Not so. The truth was that my mentor's greed for additional funding was surpassed only by Grimble's reluctance to part with the same. Literally the same, since my wages came out of those coffers so closely guarded by the Chancellor.
I found him, as expected, in the tiny cubicle he used for an office. Scuttlebutt has it he repeatedly refused larger rooms, trying desperately to impress the rest of the staff by setting an example of frugality. It didn't work, but he kept trying and hoping.
His desk was elbow deep in paper covered by tiny little numbers which he alternately peered at and changed while moving various sheets from stack to stack. There were similar stacks on the floor and on the only other available chair, leading me to believe he had been at his current task for some time. Seeing no available space for sitting or standing, I elected to lean against the door frame.
"Working late, Lord Chancellor?"
That earned me a brief, dark glare before he returned to his work.
"If I were a magician, I'd be working late. As Chancellor of the Exchequer, these are my normal hours. For your information, things are going rather smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, I may be able to wrap up early tonight, say in another three or four hours."
"What are you working on?"
"Next year's Budget and Operating Plan, and it's almost done. That is, providing someone doesn't want to risk incurring my permanent disfavor by trying to change a number on me at the last minute."
The last was accompanied by what can only be described as a meaningful stare.
I ignored it.
I mean, what the heck! I was already on his bad side, so his threats didn't scare me at all.
"Then it's a good thing I caught you before you finished your task," I said nonchalantly. "I want to discuss something with you that will undoubtedly have an impact on your figures. Specifically, a change in my pay scale."
"Out of the question!" Grimble exploded. "You're already the highest paid employee on the staff, including myself. It's outrageous that you would even think of asking for a pay increase."
"Not a pay increase. Lord Chancellor, a pay cut."
That stopped him.
"A pay cut?"
"Say, down to nothing."
He leaned back in his chair and regarded me suspiciously.
"I find it hard to believe that you and your apprentice are willing to work for nothing. Forgive me, but I always distrust noble sacrifice as a motive. Though I dislike greed, at least it's a drive I can understand."