Holding Wonder

The unnaturally subdued restraint lasted until dismissal time. I had the quietest-most industrious room in my experience-but it wasn't a happy one.
At Put-away Time, Michael and Bannie put their chairs up on the table quietly-without being told to. They walked to the coat closet. They lingered by the door until they saw that I had no word for them-or smile-or even frown. They scuffled slowly off to the bus gate. Dismey scurried out of the room as if she were the guilty party and had no word or smile for me, and I scuffled off slowly to bus duty.
Children bounce back amazingly. The next day-oh, lordy! that's today!-started off normally enough. We worked well all this morning-though at the tops of our
voices. Michael and Bannie had the devilish light flickering in their eyes again. Dismey neither noticed them nor ignored them. She had a small smile that turned up the corners of her mouth a little. She played happily with Donna and I blessed the good night's sleep I'd had for my return to calmness. I hoped-oh, how I hoped this morning-that the boys had finally decided to find something besides Dismey to occupy their energies.
Lunchtime passed and the mild temperatures out-of-doors let us relax into a full-time play period. Afternoon recess came and went. The tide of children flowed across the floor to pool around my feet for story time.
"Bannie," I said automatically, "I don't want you sitting my-" Then I felt a huge sinking inside of me. My eyes flew to Dismey. She returned my look, completely at ease and relaxed, the small smile still bending her mouth.
"Where's Bannie and Michael?" I asked casually, feeling insanely that this was yesterday again.
"They tol' me they wuz go to beeg playgroun'," sniffed Hannery. "They alla time sneak up there."
"Yeh, yeh," said Treesa. "They go'd to beeg playgroun' but they comed back. They go'd to Old Building and slided on steps. Ain' s'posed to slide on steps," she added virtuously.
"Maybe they didn't hear the bell," suggested Donna. "When you play by the Old Building, sometimes you don't." I looked at Dismey. She looked back. Her small, pointed tongue circled the smile and then disappeared for the automatic swallow. I looked away, uncomfortable.
"Well, they'll miss out on the story, then," I said. "And because they've been late twice this week, they'll have to be in Isolation for twice as long as they are late." I checked my watch to time the boys and began to read. I didn't hear a word I read. I suppose I paraphrased the story as I usually do, bringing it down to first grade level. I suppose I skipped over discursive passages that had little interest for my children, but I have no way of knowing. I was busy trying to hold down that psychic indigestion again, the feeling that something terribly wrong had to be put to rights.
After the group went back to their seats and became immersed in their work, I called Dismey quietly up to my desk.
"Where are Michael and Bannie?" I asked her.
She flushed and twisted her thin shoulders. "Out on the playground," she said.
"Why didn't they come when the bell rang?" I asked.
"They couldn't hear the bell ring." The little smile lifted the corners of her mouth. I shivered.
"Why not?" Dismey looked at me without expression.
She looked down at the desk and followed her finger as it rubbed back and forth on the edge. "Dismey," I urged.
"Why couldn't they hear the bell?"
"'Cause I changed them," she said, her chin lifting a little.
"I changed them into rocks:"
"Changed them?" I asked blankly. "Into rocks?"
"Yes," said Dismey. "They're mean. They're awfully mean. I changed them." The little smile curled briefly again.
"How did you do it?" I asked. "What did you do?"
"I learned the magic word," she said proudly. "I can say it right. You know, the one you read to us. That PYRZQXGL." Her voice fluttered and hissed through a sound that raised the short hairs on the back of my neck and all down both my arms.
"And it worked!" I cried incredulously.
"Why, sure," she said. "You said it would. It's a magic word. You read it in the book. Mama told me how to say it. She said how come they put words like that in kids' books. They get away with anything nowadays. That's not a word for kids. But she told me how to say it anyway. See?" She picked up the stapler from my desk. "Be a baby rabbit –PYRZQXGL!" She sputtered the word at it.
And there was a tiny gray bunny nosing inquisitively at my blotter!
"Be what you was before," said Dismey. "PYRZQXGL!" The bunny started slightly and the stapler fell over on its side. I picked it up. It felt warm. I dropped it.
"But-but-" I took a deep breath. "Where are the boys, Dismey? Do you know?"
"I guess so," she said, frowning a little. "I guess I remember."
"Go get them," I said. "Bring them to me:" She looked at me quietly for a moment, her jaw muscle tensing, then she said, "Okay, teacher." So I sent her, heaven help me! And she came back, heaven help us all! She came back and put three little rocks or the corner of my desk.
"I guess these is them," she said. "Two of them are, any way. I couldn't remember exactly which ones they was, so I brought an extra one." We looked at the rocks.
"They're scared," she said. "I turned them into scared rocks."
"Do rocks know?" I asked. "Can rocks be scared?"
Dismey considered, head tilted. "I don't know." The small smile came back. "But if they can-they are."
And there they lie, on my green blotter, in the middle of my battered old desk, in front of my crowded room-three rocks, roughly the size of marbles-and two of them are Michael and Bannie.
And time is running out fast-fast! I can't say the magic word. Nobody can say the magic word except Dismey and her mother.
Of course I could take them to Mr. Beasley in the office and say, "Here are two of my boys. Remember? They're the ones that kept picking on the little girl in my room. She turned them into rocks because they were mean. What shall we do?"
Or I could take them to the boys' parents and say, "One of these is your boy. Which one resembles Bannie the most? Take your choice."
I've been looking down at my quiet hands for fifteen minutes now, but the rising murmur in the room and the rustle of movement tell me that it's past time to change activities. I've got to do something-and soon.
Looking back over the whole affair, I see only one possible course of action. I'm going to take a page from Dismey's own book. I'm going to be the believingest teacher there ever was. I believe-I believe implicitly that Dismey will mind me-she'll do as she is told. I believe, I believe, I believe "Dismey, come here, please." Here comes the obedient child, up to my desk. "It's almost time to go home, Dismey," I tell her. "Here, take the rocks and go outside by the door. Turn them back into Michael and Bannie. "
"I don't want to." It's not refusal! It's not refusal! It's just a statement.
"I know you don't. But the bell will be ringing soon, and we don't want to make them miss the bus. Mr. Beasley gets very annoyed when we miss the bus."
"But they were awfully mean." Her eyes are hurt and angry.
"Yes, I know they were, and I'm going to use the paddle on them. But they've been rocks a long time-scared rocks. They know now that you can be mean back at them, so they'll probably let you alone and not bother you any more. Go on, take them outside." She's looking at me intently.
"Remember, your mama said mind the teacher." Her jaws tighten.
The three rocks click together in her hand. She is going out the door. It swings shut jerkily behind her.