‘Look,’ I said, reasoning with her carefully, for long ago I had found the way that reassured her most, ‘I daresay there’ll be trouble, but it won’t be the same kind. There’s only one R S R, you know.’
‘There’s only one me,’ she said, with a splinter of detachment. ‘I suppose I was really responsible for the fiasco.’
‘Truly I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘Robinson would have behaved the same to me.’
‘I doubt it,’ she said. ‘I’ve never done any good.’
Her face was excited and pressing. ‘You must understand, as soon as I get among new people, I shall be caught in the same trap again.’
I was shaking my head, but she broke out, very high: ‘I tell you, I realized it that afternoon just after the post came. And I tell you, in the same second I felt something go in my brain.’
She was trembling, although she was not crying any more. I asked her, with the sympathy of one who has heard it before and so is not frightened, about her physical symptoms. Often, in a state of anxiety, she had complained of hard bands constricting her head. Now she said that there had been continual pressure ever since that afternoon, but she would not describe the physical sensation that began it. I thought she was shy, because she had been exaggerating. I did not realize that she was living with a delusion, in the clinical sense. I had no idea, coaxing her, even teasing her, how much of her judgement had gone.
I reminded her how many of her fears had turned out nonsense. I made some plans for us both after the war. Her body was not trembling by this time, and I gave her a tablet of her drug and stayed by her until she went off to sleep.
Next morning, although she was not anxiety-free, she discussed her state equably (using her domesticating formula — ‘about twenty per cent angst today’) and seemed a good deal restored. That evening she was strained, but she had a good night, and it was not for several days that she broke down again. Each night now, I had to be prepared to steady myself. Sometimes there were interludes, for as long as a week together, when she was in comfortable spirits, but I was tensed for the next sign of strain.
My work at the office was becoming more exacting; the Minister was using me for some talks face-to-face where one needed nothing else to think about and no tugs at the nerves; when I left Sheila in the morning, I wished that I were made so that I could forget her all through the day — but at some time, in the careful official conversation, a thought of her would swim between me and the man I was trying to persuade.
More than once, I found myself bitter with resentment against her. When we first married she had drained me of energy and nerve, and had spoiled my chance. Now, when I could least afford it, she was doing so again. That resentment seemed to exist simultaneously, almost to blend, with pity and protective love.
The first week in December, I was in the middle of a piece of business. One afternoon, about half past five, when I was counting on working for an hour or two more, the telephone rang. I heard Sheila’s voice, brittle and remote.
‘I’ve got a cold,’ she said.
She went on: ‘I suppose you couldn’t come home a bit early? I’ll make you some tea.’
It was abnormal for her to telephone me at all, much less ask me to see her. She was so unused to asking that she had to make those attempts at the commonplace.
I took it for granted that something more was wrong, abandoned my work, and took a taxi to Chelsea. There I found that, although she was wretched and her tic did not leave her mouth, she had nothing new to say. She had fetched me home just to work over the moving belt of anxiety — the bits and pieces came round and round before us — Robinson, January 1st, her ‘crack-up’. My impatience not quite suppressed, dully I said: ‘We’ve been over all this before.’
‘I know it,’ she said.
‘I’ve told you,’ I said mechanically, ‘worse things have passed, and so will this.’
‘Will it?’ She gave a smile, half-trusting, half-contemptuous, then broke out: ‘I’ve got no purpose. You’ve got a purpose. You can’t pretend you haven’t.’ She cried out: ‘I’ve said before, I’ve handed in my resignation.’
I was tired of it, unable to make the effort of reassurance, irked that she had dragged me from the work I wanted to do. With the self-absorption that had now become complete, she dismissed all my life except the fraction of it I spent supporting her. We were sitting by the fire in the drawing-room. I heard myself using words that, years before, I had used in her old sitting-room. For there, in my one attempt to part from her, I had said that our life together was becoming difficult for me. Now I was near repeating myself.
‘This is difficult for me,’ I said, ‘as well as for you.’
She stared at me. Whether or not the echo struck her, I did not know. Perhaps she was too drawn into herself to attend. Or perhaps she was certain that, after all that had happened, all that had changed, I could no longer even contemplate leaving her.
‘It is difficult for me,’ I said.
‘I suppose it is,’ she replied.
On that earlier occasion, I had been able to say that for my own sake I must go. But now, as we both knew, I could not. While she was there, I had to be there too. All I could say was: ‘Make it as easy for me as you can.’
She did not reply. For a long time she gazed at me with an expression I could not read. She said, in a hard and final tone: ‘You’ve done all you could.’
9: A Goodbye in the Morning
UP to 20 December there was no change that I noticed. As I lived through those days they seemed no more significant than others. Later, when I tried to remember each word she and I said, I remembered also the signs of distress she showed about January 1st, and the new job. She was still too proud to ask outright, but she was begging me to find an excuse to get her out of it.
Otherwise she had fits of activity, as capricious as they used to be. She put on a mackintosh, in weather that was already turning into bitter winter, walked all day along the river, down to the docks, past Greenwich, along the mud-flats. When she got home, flushed with the cold, she looked as she must have done as a girl, after a day’s hunting. She was cheerful that night, full of the enjoyment of her muscles; she shared a bottle of wine with me and fell asleep after dinner, a little drunk and happily tired. I did not believe in those flashes of cheerfulness, but also I did not totally believe in her distress. It did not seem, as I watched her, to have the full weight of her nature behind it.
Her moods fluctuated, not as my friend Roy Calvert’s did in cycles of depression, but in splinters from hour to hour; more exactly, her moods could change within a single moment, they were not integral; sometimes she spoke unlike an integral person. But that had always been so, though it was sharper now. She still made her gibes, and, the instant she did so, I felt the burden of worry evanesce. This phase was nothing out of the ordinary, I thought, and we should both come through it, much as we had done for the past years.
In fact, I behaved as I had seen others do in crises, acting as though the present state of things would endure for ever, and occasionally, as it were with my left hand and without recognizing it, showing a sense of danger.
One day I got away from my meetings and confided in Charles March, one of the closest friends of my young manhood, who was at this time a doctor in Pimlico. I told him, in sharper tones than I used to myself, that Sheila was in a state of acute anxiety, and I described it: was it any use bringing in another psychiatrist? The trouble was, as he knew, she had consulted one before, and given him up with ridicule. Charles promised to find someone, who would have to be as clever and as strong-willed as she was herself, whom she might just conceivably trust. But he shook his head. ‘I doubt if he’ll be able to do much for her. All he might do is take some of the responsibility off you.’