"So come to New York," Jack said, slipping his arm around her shoulder. "Lots of kids here whose parents won't care how you spend your off hours. And it'll be great having you close."
She leaned against him. "You can't imagine how much I appreciate being able to talk to you like this. And I'm sorry for going on so. Listen to me: the love that dare not speak its name cannot shut up. But I've had this bottled up for so long and I feel so… so alone right now."
"But you and Jeanette must have some friends. I mean, there's a huge gay community down here that—"
"Yes, but I'm a forty-four-year-old baby dyke who isn't out. That makes me a sort of pariah to the younger dykes, the grrrls, the twenty-somethings who've been out since their teens. They think we all should be out and eff anyone who doesn't like it."
"'Eff'?" Jack grinned. "Did you say 'e/f?"
"I always have trouble saying the F-word."
"That's because you're a square. Always were."
Kate sighed. She couldn't take offense. It was true.
"I'm still a square in so many ways. A square dyke—can you imag-ine? A walking, talking oxymoron. Born square, doomed to die from terminal squareness. It's just that I was always trying to set a good example—for you when we were growing up, and later for Kevin and Liz."
"And you did," he said softly. "Just as I'm sure you still do."
"I don't want to change the world or be part of a movement. I just want to be me. It's taken me so long to get to this point that I just want to relax and enjoy it. And I never cared what others thought as long as I had Jeanette. We're both a little old for the gay club scene; we'd have dinner at Rubyfruits once in a while, but mostly we cooked in and just enjoyed being with each other."
"No dressing up and going out on the town looking like Wild One Marlon Brandos?"
"Just being a vanilla dyke more than fills my deviancy quota."
"Don't call yourself a deviant."
"It means deviating from the norm. And that's what we dykes do."
"Can't help how you feel. Not as if you're hurting anyone."
"Not yet at least. But when I finally come out… who knows?" She shook her head. "All because of a chromosome… one lousy chromosome."
"There's a gay gene?"
"Maybe. But I'm talking about the Y-chromosome, the one that makes you male. We females have two X-chromosomes, but if I could change one chromosome, change just one of my X's to a Y, my feelings for Jeanette would be considered perfectly normal."
Jack gave a low whistle. "Jeez. You put it like that, what's all the fuss about?"
"Exactly. One chromosome. And if I had it, I wouldn't have all this terrible angst and dread about letting people know."
He grabbed her shoulder. "Just thought of something. Are you going to tell Dad?"
Kate shuddered. She had no idea how her father would react. She loved him. They'd always been close, but he had no idea. No lesbians in his world. What words could she use to tell him that his only daughter was one?
"I haven't decided whether he should be before or after the kids. Either way, that's when the you-know-what hits the fan."
"Would that be 'ess' hitting the fan, or doo-doo?"
Kate laughed and hugged Jack. "Both!"
She loved the man he'd become. What great luck running into him. And what a wonderful feeling to be out to him. It had been so easy.
She looked around and realized they were back at the Arsley. She almost dreaded going back upstairs and facing Jeanette. Who would she be today?
"Mind if I come up with you?" Jack said.
Does he read minds? she wondered.
"I'd like that."
She keyed her way through the front door but stopped Jack in the lobby. She had to make one thing absolutely clear to him.
"No one else can know what we've discussed this morning, Jack. Not till Kevin and Liz are both eighteen. It's not just for my sake but for theirs too."
"Okay, sure, but—"
"No buts about it, Jack. Ron doesn't know and I can't predict how he'll react. He's a good man and I think he'll be okay, but you never know. If he feels his masculinity has somehow been compromised, he may try to get back at me through the kids. We have joint custody now but he might sue, claiming that as a lesbian I'm an unfit parent—"
"No way."
"It happens all the time, Jack. The courts can be rough on lesbians. But even if Ron accepts it, what about Kevin and Liz? The news will sweep through their school in minutes, and you know how cruel kids can be. Adolescence is hard enough. I can't add that to the load. When they're both in college I'll sit them down and tell them. Until then I've got to stay in the closet. Just like you."
"Me?" He looked shocked. "What—?"
"Yes, you. You're leading a double life just like me. You've got one face you show to the public but then there's this other side, this Repairman Jack thing that you've been hiding all these years—from Dad, from Tom, from me, and I'm sure from the police, since you've as much as said some of what you do isn't exactly legal. You've got your own closet, Jack."
He stared at her a moment, then nodded. "Never thought of it that way but I guess I do. Except I can't come out of mine. Ever."
"You did to me."
He shook his head, raised a hand, and waggled his pinky finger.
"T opened the door a crack and showed you this much. The rest stays inside."
"Why?"
"Because my closet's way deeper and lots darker than yours."
She expected to see sadness in his eyes but found only flat acceptance. He'd made choices and he'd live with them.
Just as she'd live with hers.
4
Jeanette was not in sight when Jack and Kate came in.
"She might still be asleep," Kate said.
Jack hoped not. He wanted to see what mental shape Jeanette was in before he left Kate alone with her. He also wanted another look at this woman who meant so much to his sister. He couldn't help but see her differently now. She was no longer Kate's friend, she was her lover.
"Who's asleep?" Jeanette said, stepping out of her room with a mug in her hand.
She wore an Oberlin sweatshirt and cut-off shorts. Nice legs. Great quads. She definitely worked out.
"How are you feeling?" Kate asked.
Jeanette beamed. "Absolutely wonderful. How about you? And Jack. So good to see you again. How are you?"
Jack glanced at Kate, saw the tight line of her lips, and knew how she was feeling. They were in the presence of Mary Poppins without the accent. Or maybe the Stepford Dyke.
"Just fine," Jack said. "We had a walk and a talk."
"I'm out with Jack," Kate said. "He knows everything."
Jeanette glided into the kitchen. "Isn't that nice." She placed her mug into the microwave and began punching buttons. "Not that it's going to matter."
Kate looked as if she'd been slapped. "What do you mean?"
"Oh, nothing." Her smile broadened. "And everything."
She punched the START button and her grin died. Slack-faced and staring, she swayed.
"Jeanette?" Kate started forward.
Jeanette began mumbling, slowly, extracting the words like corks from wine bottles. "Kate… I… we… no… Kate, I'm almost gone. Can't hold out—"
And then the microwave oven chimed.
And Jeanette blinked and regained her smile as abruptly as she'd lost it.
"What?" Jeanette said. "Why are you staring?"
"You had another of those spells," Kate said.
"Don't be silly." She removed her reheated cup from the microwave and took a sip. "Mmmm."
"Jeanette—" Kate began as Jeanette brushed by her on her way out of the kitchenette, but Jeanette cut her off.