Forget about all this shit until tomorrow. What else can I do?
I WAKE UP THE next morning, and I’m kind of hungover, but I try to pretend like I’m not. Especially when Mom comes in after her early-morning tai chi session with Andy, all rosy-cheeked and serene, and I’m still lying in bed clutching my pillow and wondering if I have the energy to get up and make a cup of Starbucks instant coffee.
“Do you want to get some breakfast?” she asks.
“Yeah. Sure. Maybe.”
Mom sits down in the chair by my bed. “I’m just wondering… Do you want me to go with you?”
“No!” I blurt, and then realize that probably sounded harsh. “It’s not a nice place, seriously. You should hang out here and have some fun.”
“I just don’t want you to go running off because Andy came along,” she blurts back. “I guess I shouldn’t have told him about the trip. I should have said no when he wanted to come. It’s not… it’s not really fair to you. The whole idea was for you and me to spend some time together and have some fun, and it hasn’t worked out that way at all, and I feel really bad about that.”
Hah. If she only knew. I don’t have a fucking clue what I was thinking when I asked her to come along in the first place. I mean, that was a stupid idea, right?
It’s totally better if I do this on my own.
“That’s not it at all,” I say. “I just have to take care of business, and I won’t have time to hang out, and this is a way nicer place for you to be. I mean… I wish I didn’t have to leave.”
This is, actually, mostly true. I haven’t even gone down a river on a real bamboo raft yet.
My mom sits there, eyes downcast.
“I was just wondering…” she says. “Does it bother you that… well, I like having sex?”
So totally not what I need to hear when I’m hungover and undercaffeinated.
Or maybe ever.
“I, uh… no.”
“Because that’s what’s led me to make some pretty bad choices,” she continues earnestly. “I just… you know, I really enjoy it. Always have. It’s not about needing a man to pay the bills, because God knows the men I chose mostly sucked at that. That always fell on me, and you know I always tried my best, don’t you, honey?”
“I… yeah… you worked hard,” I manage.
“I wanted to make a good life for us.” Now she’s getting teary. “I really did. And I didn’t do a very good job. And I’m really sorry.”
I clutch my pillow, because this is seriously freaking me out.
“Andy seems like a nice guy,” I finally say. “If you like him… you know, that’s cool.”
She gives me an odd look. Shakes her head. “Well, I’m glad you think he’s nice anyway.”
Getting on the train to Guangzhou is a major relief.
I PROBABLY SHOULD’VE FLOWN. There’s no direct train to where I need to go. The train leaves in the early evening, from Guilin, and I’m facing an eleven-hour ride to Guangzhou and then a transfer after that.
But I’m actually looking forward to the train. I just can put everything on hold. Get my head together. And I’m not in a hurry, right?
I spring for a soft sleeper, so I can climb up and sack on the upper bunk, drink a beer, watch a movie. I don’t have to talk to anybody if I don’t want to.
But it’s kind of tough, because on the one hand I want to relax. On the other, I don’t know if I want to spend too much time thinking about all the weird-ass shit my mom’s laid on me.
This is why I climb up to my upper bunk with a big bottle of Liquan premium beer and a Percocet.
Just let me sleep for a few hours.
Operation Find Jason. Oh, yeah. It’s on.
SO I FALL ASLEEP in my bunk, and I have this dream that’s part dream, part memory.
I’m wandering around in this church place, and in my dream it’s Sunrise, even though it doesn’t look anything like the actual Sunrise. Instead of bland, dentist-office decor inside of fake adobe, it’s this bombed-out collection of tents and weird little condos, almost, with shag rugs like in some of the apartments where I lived when I was a kid. There’s a service that I’m trying to find, except I keep getting lost in the tents and the condos, and there’s all these people just sort of lying around on the floor. I don’t know what they’re doing, and they just ignore me.
Then Trey, my ex, is there, and we’re holding hands, and that part almost seems real-I can feel his hand in mine, the way it used to feel-and I can’t believe we’ve gotten back together, and I’m happy about it. All the stuff that happened, the bad stuff, it didn’t happen or it doesn’t matter, and as soon as the service is over, we can be together, the way we used to be, and I want to get naked with him so bad that I can already feel his body against mine.
But first we have to go to the service.
Then we’re in the auditorium where the services are held, which instead of being an auditorium is a big tent, like the Morale, Welfare and Recreation tent in the Sandbox where I met Trey. Except instead of soldiers, there’s all these Chinese people, including some of the artists I know, and Reverend Jim, the head preacher at Sunrise. Reverend Jim looks exactly like he did the last time I saw him, Hawaiian shirt and all. “Are you reporting for duty?” he asks me. “Are you reporting for duty?”
I run away. The only good thing about this dream is that I can run like I used to, before I got blown up. But I run into this dark room, with orange shag carpet, and it’s someone’s living room, but not anyone I know, and the room gets smaller and smaller, and then there’s no place left to run.
JUST TO BE CLEAR: There is no fucking way I want to get back together with Trey. Signing the divorce papers was one of the few smart things I’ve done in the last… I don’t know, decade or so. I’m not even sure if what we had was ever love. But there was a time I felt something, you know? I wanted him. Then I hated him.
Now? I don’t feel much one way or the other. I guess that’s an improvement, right?
GUANGZHOU AT 6:00 A.M. The third-largest city in China and the biggest city in the south. The train station is your typical China nightmare, magnified. It’s huge, run-down, and there are so many people shuffling and pushing, carrying their ridiculous huge rolling suitcases, boxes tied with string, overstuffed cheap duffels, striped plastic bags. I elbow my way up the platform, up the stairs, trying to find the subway entrance so I can get to the Guangzhou East train station, a babble of Cantonese washing over me in an unintelligible roar.
I’ve never been to Guangzhou, but the subway part is easy enough. Line 2 to Line 1. Not as crowded as it’s going to be in a couple of hours. I exit at the Guangzhou East stop, thinking I have it wired, except I’ve somehow gotten off at this gigantic underground mall that’s at the same subway stop. Popark, it’s called. Most of the stores are still closed. It’s the usual luxury shit. Gucci. Coach. A fancy Japanese supermarket. A Starbucks.
Which is open. I go inside.
“Hello. What can I get for you?”
I look at the barista, a slight guy with spiky hair, bright eyes, and a big smile.
“A cup of coffee, please. Medium.” I don’t bother to order in Mandarin. Who knows if this kid even speaks it?
He brings me my coffee. I sip it.
Different city. Different day. Same Starbucks.
It all starts to look the same after a while. The Guangzhou East Railway Station? Blocky granite. Blue mirrored glass. I could be in any big city in China.
I FIND MY TRAIN. I’m going to a city called Shantou, in Guangdong, on the southeast coast. One of the original special economic zones, but it never caught on like Shenzhen or Xiamen. This, however, is where Daisy has somehow ended up, and with her, I’m hoping, Jason. Alice gave me her cell number and the address of the place she’s working. A toy factory. I guess Shantou is known for its toy factories.