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Well, I think they’re better than yesterday’s.

And considering all the circumstances, too. Let

them complain. That’s it, until they complain

then I don’t care.

Ivy and that Mrs Ridge are always having a go

at each other. Stupid bastards, the pair of them.

We’re the best, we are.

That’s all right, then, that’s a relief. Forgot

my arse for just two minutes

aaaaaaaaah!

Pass the Parcel! What a

waste of time, more movement, but

Pass the parcel, up my arcel!

oooooooooooooh! My arse again, keep still,

keep still A fart would be a

blessing Daren’t.

Ooooooh, no! The pain, pain!

Pass the parcel.

Chuck the bleeding thing.

But what’s in it? Sarah’s getting it open. Now

it’s off again.

Curiosity.

It’s my turn, that old woman’s cheating! Pass it on!

No need to chuck it at me! It’s stopped,

it’s me, I can get it undone, I’ll win, what is it?

SHIT! It’s a parcel of shit! Is that

what I’ve won? Is that all? Stinking shit!

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

shit!

why?

Get up,

she wants us to take exercise. Take up thy

arse and walk? I’ll try,

the pain can’t be worse

aaaaaaachk! Yes it can!

But try again.

To walk. The pleasure of it. As

I stroll along the promenade. It must be a tidy

middling. The trouble

with business is that you can think you’re doing

so well and then you get caught for a tidy

packet. Right into the middling, right into the

fertilizer. It may be something to do

with the way I walk, of course. That may have

something to do with it.

Haemorrhoids or piles:

just as though you could

choose! aaaeh!

I shall try again to remember my first fuck.

The first is the one you never forget, they say.

They are not right in my case, not for the first

time, either. Yet I remember it was when I was

seventeen, because that was what I said when

questioned about it some time later. But who it

was is difficult to remember. Who did I

know at seventeen? It must have been someone from

the town, I would not have been stupid enough to

shit on my own village doorstep, as we say in the

trade. In that case, it might have — No, I can’t

walk any more, I must sit and be damned to her

and her dog.

If that seed had borne fruit, I should have a child

of over sixty now. It might have been a son, a

competitor. Tom was never a competitor, none of

them. I was their father, and I saw I remained so,

oh yes!

Who could it have been? My memory’s playing me up

again, so she was redhaired, ginger-eyed and had

a pair of tits on her like twin mountains and an

arse as broad as East Anglia. Her fanny was like

a red ravine, dry and dusty, not so dusty.

Her face?

I can’t remember her face.

Ah, yes,

that was fun last time, the tourney. I enjoyed

it. Wonder if I can get a bet on this time? Mrs

Bowen won easily, I’ll back her. Mrs Ridge,

I’ll bet you my breakfast milk that Mrs Bowen wins.

But what will you give me if I win?

Right, you’re on. Shake.

Now I’ve got a bet on.

They’re at the tapes!

Come on Mrs Bowen! Lot depends on Charlie pushing,

too. They’re

off!

Hooray! One up to me!

They're off

again! Come on Charlie!

Rah! Two up!I shall win!

They’re off! Last time, I must

win two-to-one at least!

Rah!

Cheers for Mrs Bowen and Charlie! You owe me a feel,

Mrs Ridge, a feel, tonight!

She gets it both ways, she does. If she’d’ve

won she’d’ve got my breakfast milk, as it is she

gets a feel she’ll enjoy just as much as I will,

more, probably, with my arse in this state. That’s

funny, forgot it during the tourney. Just goes

to show, just goes to show.

But it’s getting worse now, it’s

paying me back, aaaaoooh!

oooooooooh! aaOOh!

No, try to think of something to take my mind off

it, the feel, that’s something to look forward to,

ooooooooh, but it’s no help now,

what shall I do?

Started when I

was fifty-two, it’s a

punishment for tossing off

that little boy when I was

in the Navy, it’s a

punishment, be sure your sins

will find you out.

He asked for it, he was a saucy little sod, and I

paid him a few piastres.

aaaaooaoaoah!

aaaaaah!

oooooh!

oooaaaeh!

eaeaell!

oooooooh, oooh, aaaah!

eh!

ooooooooch!

oooooooooooeoeososoaoeo!

aaaaajjja!

we never did think we’d live to see him grow

up! I’ll force myself to think of something else.

we never did to see

think we never did

we’d live

a few piastres seemed

so little at the time, for what

it was

years after, that smell

City of galloping

knobrot

oooooh!

oooooooaoah!

this can’t go on surely

something must bust it must give the pain over

it must make me bust oooooooooh!

ooooooorh!

one two three four one two three four sheep over

the edge one three six ten fuck them all oooooo

nothing comes

of it, nothing seems to

help, you’d think they would

be able to do something

for you, people have been

suffering from sore arse-

holes since time began.

no, ooooooh!

ooooooooooooh!

Regular, it

comes in waves.

oooooooooooooooooooooh!

ooooooough!

oooodh!

OOOOOOOH!

Listen to her!

No, doesn’t matter

~ ~ ~

Gloria Ridge age 85 marital status not known sight 45 % hearing 55 % touch 30 % taste 20 % smell 60 % movement 45 % CQ count 6 pathology contractures; plantar fasciitis; mental confusion; progressive senile dementia; cholecystitis; osteoporosis; among others.