I end up grabbing him under the arms and dragging him. Once he’s inside, I shut the door and breathe in the magic. When I have enough to feel better, I perform the spell to make the portal to our house disappear from under the willow. Then I run to the apothecary, where Nana has Kat in the chair. She looks so small there, like a child waiting to be scolded.
“Josephine,” Nana says as I search for eagle feathers. There’s no way I can get him upstairs on my own, so a floating spell it is. “Would you consider this girl trustworthy?”
The question startles me. I figured Nana had only one plan—a mind erase. “Um, yeah. You know Kat. We’ve been best friends since we were kids. Of course I trust her.”
“With your life?”
My eyes go to Kat, who’s looking right back at me. I have no clue what’s going on, but the answer comes easily. “Yes.”
Nana nods. “After you’re done tending to Joseph, come back down. Oh, and feel free to get him up to speed when he wakes up.”
“Sure . . .” It’s weird that she’s okay with telling him, but I decide not to question it. Maybe she wants to pacify him until we decide what to do with him.
I float my father up to the spare bedroom next to my mother’s old room. I almost put him in hers, but it seems like too much. I have a hard time walking by the door, let alone going inside. It’s still the same as it was when she died: the bed unmade, her coat on the desk chair, a stack of yellowed papers waiting for words. One of the dresser drawers is ajar, a nightgown sticking out. We can’t bring ourselves to clean it, as if it’ll erase the last piece of her we have.
Once I get him out of the muddiest stuff and in bed, I wipe the blood from his eyes. Then I spend far too much time staring at him. I have his ears and his stubby fingernails. He snores lightly, like I always imagined dads doing.
He has to stay.
My stomach sinks when I realize he could have another family. I grab his left hand. No wedding band. Not that it means much—he could be divorced or he could have a girlfriend. I could have half siblings . . . a whole family that has no idea I exist, that will never know I exist. Shaking myself out of it, I stand. He’ll be asleep for a while, and Nana and Kat are waiting for me. When I get back to the apothecary, I sit next to Kat and wait for Nana to explain.
“Your friend is . . . worthy,” Nana says.
“Okay?” I glance at Kat, who doesn’t seem as scared as she was at first. In fact, there’s a hint of excitement in her eyes. “And what does worthy mean?”
“It could mean many things, my child.” She pulls out a heavy spell book, and that alone sets me on alert. Nana never has to use the book, which means whatever spell she has in mind is not something we do every day. Hell, every decade. “But for now, it means she’s allowed to keep her memories, so long as she goes through a binding spell.”
My eyes go wide. “Binding?”
“It’s rather simple. If she reveals our secret, she dies.”
“Nana, that’s way too harsh.”
Kat shakes her head. “I’d never tell, so it’s not a big deal. Better than forgetting this. I can’t believe I never suspected anything. It’s so obvious now.”
I sigh. “Kat, this will hurt. You get that, right? Magic isn’t fluffy—there will be a sacrifice much worse than if you forgot.”
“I know,” she says. “A fingernail.”
I shudder at the thought. “Why would you do that just to know?”
“Jo.” Her look is flat. “You’ve always been the funny one. Gwen’s always been the fun one. And I’m the peanut gallery.”
“No! You’re the voice of reason! Gwen and I would tear each other apart without you.”
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I want to be a part of this. Haven’t you ever wanted someone to talk to? How did you go so many years without this secret killing you?”
My throat tightens. “I . . . I had Nana to talk to.”
“Seems lonely to me.”
This ache forms in my heart, in the place my mother left gaping and bleeding. Loneliness is part of my life. It always will be in one way or another. And yet I can’t help but love Kat for thinking of me, for wanting to take care of me.
“I want to do this,” she says firmly. “You can’t change my mind.”
I nod, too sad to do anything else.
NINE
Kat and I sit at the kitchen table with heaping bowls of ice cream. It seems like an ice-cream kind of moment, something sweet to take her mind off the impending agony. That, and a good thing to fill awkward silences with, because all I really want to say is, “Are you flipping crazy? You know my grandma’s in there preparing to rip out your fingernail, right?”
But she won’t listen. She’s definitely the most stubborn of our group—maybe the most stubborn person I know, save Nana.
“So, your dad’s alive,” she says between bites.
“Yup.” Even if Kat’s allowed to know about it, I can’t seem to get my tongue moving. I still remember when Mom told me about secrets, about what could happen if my friends found out what I could do.
“They could get hurt, or they could hurt us,” she said. “There are a lot of people out there who think we’re bad, and they want to kill us.”
I knew what killing was at five. It was my job even then to help Mom preserve the animals we used as reagents. “Why do they think we’re bad?”
“Because we can use magic. They don’t understand the difference between controlling darkness and being dark. We Hemlocks will never be dark, Jojo, never.” She kissed my cheeks. “But still, you can’t tell a soul.”
Kat’s spoon clinks against her bowl. “I always thought he died, since you never talked about him, you know? And with what happened to your mom . . . it didn’t feel right to ask.”
“I found out he was alive on Friday. Haven’t technically met him yet.”
She pushes her bangs out of her eyes. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t talk to him—not with that thing in him.”
“What was it?”
“Not sure.” I gulp, the shadow’s eyes coming back. How I wish my gut would stop nagging me about it. “It was supposed to be a spying curse, but I think it was more. Or purging it triggered something else. We don’t know all the details, only that it might have to do with my mom’s murder.”
Kat’s spoon stops moving, and she looks me in the eye. “She was murdered?”
I nod.
“And now whoever did it is after you?”
“Probably.” I can’t say yes, even though I know how much that darkness wanted me.
She leans back. “That’s so evil, using your dad. How can you pretend you’re okay through all this? I’d be a total mess.”
I shrug. I’d never really thought much about it. The dark, lonely nights were part of my witch life, and it didn’t occur to me that I could bring the sadness over to my small corner of normal. Or maybe I didn’t want to. Hanging out with Gwen and Kat has always been a break from all the hard stuff. Why waste it moping?
A splash of cold hits my face, and I look up from my bowl. “You did not just throw ice cream at me.”
“Talk! You’re acting like I’m a stranger. It’s pissing me off.”
“Sorry.” I wipe the ice cream off. “It’s weird, okay? Nana has never done this. Never. It’s always secret, secret, secret. I can’t help feeling like something is wrong. I don’t get why she’d let you know.”
Kat purses her lips. “When I said I didn’t want my memory erased, she told me that I’d always be in danger of dying or being cursed or revealing your secret. I said I could handle it, and then you came in. After that, she said you needed me, and she started telling me about how magic works.”