“Go.” Kat rolls over. “Sometimes the answers come when you stop looking for them. Go work things out with your boyfriend. Relax a little. We’ll call if Nana gets worse, okay?”
I nod slowly, but only because this is the perfect excuse to go find Levi. If I tell any of them my plan—they’ll try to talk me out of it. But my decision is made.
“We’ll scour the spell books for anything that might ease her pain,” Tessa chimes in from the window seat, where she and Pru are still reading. “We might not be able to cure her, but maybe we can give her more time.”
“Take a little break, sweetie,” Nana whispers. “I’m not dead yet.”
“Okay.” I suck in the tears as I text Winn.
Sorry. Sick again.
My stomach twists at the thought that these could be my last words to him, that everything is about to change. I care about him so much, but how can I possibly be with him when I’ll be tied to Levi for the rest of my life? It’s not fair to Winn, even though it feels like my heart is crumbling inside me.
When I get downstairs, my dad is at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. He looks concerned as he takes me in. “Did you sleep at all?”
I shake my head.
“Here.” He gets up and grabs a clean mug from the cabinet, pouring some for me. “I know you’re busy trying to save us all, but you need this at least.”
Giving a half smile, I lean on the counter next to him. “Thanks, Dad.”
His eyes go wide, and I hope my calling him that doesn’t bother him. I have wanted to from day one, but it didn’t feel like I could say it right off, even if I thought it. He smiles. “That’s strange, but I think I like it.”
“Good, because it’d be weird to call you my name.”
He laughs. “True.”
I sip at the coffee, savoring this moment with him. I hope my choice makes it possible to have many more mornings like this. That’s what I have to focus on—I might be losing myself, but everyone else wins.
I head to the apothecary after I finish my drink, pull out the ink and parchment, and try to steady my hand as I write, Where are you?
Levi answers quickly. At the Main Street park, waiting for you.
He knew. He always knew it would come to this, that I wouldn’t have time for anything else. As much as I don’t want to, I send one final line:
Okay.
FORTY-TWO
The Main Street park isn’t more than a block from my house, and I walk slowly, savoring my last moments as myself. The willow trees blow like angry spiders as I pass them. The storm is right overhead, its bruised clouds hungry to break through. Lightning cracks, and it’s alarmingly loud, so loud it seems to cut right through me. The park is empty. Surely even normal people can feel how evil the weather is, a bad omen hanging overhead. It fights to get in, to come for me, but for now the barrier holds.
It’s too soon when I spot Levi sitting on a park bench. He wears all black, like the death he is, and his hair flies wildly in the wind. I hate him and need him all at the same time. I want him to fix this. I want to be saved. Our eyes lock, and his are sadder than I expected. Maybe he doesn’t want to do this either. But now I understand it was inevitable for both of us, determined long before we met.
Sitting next to him, I ask, “Will it hurt?”
His fingers tighten around his knees. “Not in the traditional sense. You felt it already. It’s like that, but I would never take that much at once. At least not after we finish off my father. I’ll need a lot for that.”
I shudder at the thought of his kiss—it was as if I lost part of myself. Feeling like that all the time will suck, but it’s better than Nana dying. Better than Levi’s father taking me instead. “And it’s permanent?”
“Unless I die, which I really prefer not to do.”
I gulp. “I don’t want to.”
His hand is tentative as he places it over mine. “I know.”
“Why does it have to be this way?” My tears run against my will.
“It’s not fair,” he says. “I wish there were another way. I really do.”
“That’s not true—this is exactly what you want.”
“Could I be inside the barrier if that were true? Maybe I care about you and want to protect you.” His dark eyes look right into me, and his wanting pours all over my skin, full of hunger and desperation. As he leans in closer, I wonder if I could be okay with this someday. He is beautiful, the kind of boy that girls drool over. And maybe when we’re on the same side we would get along. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is.
That doesn’t stop me from pulling away, though, thoughts of Winn swirling in my head. “No. Just because we have to work together doesn’t mean we have to kiss.”
His breath is cool on my neck as he sighs, and it gives me goose bumps. “Maybe I just want to kiss you.”
“Well, I don’t.” I put my face in my hands, the full weight of this crashing over me. I have to say yes. I have to look him in the eye and tell him I want to be Cursed. And then he will always be part of my life. Always. And what if he does lose control someday? What if he turns into his dad?
“That’s a lie. You definitely wanted to kiss me before. . . .” His voices fizzles, and I look up to find him staring at something over my head.
It’s Winn. And he’s holding a bouquet of flowers.
My breath is gone. My lungs are gone. I know what this looks like, but I never wanted him to see it. He turns to go, and I stand before I can think. “Winn! Wait!”
No answer.
“Please!” I run, but he doesn’t stop. I grab his arm when I catch up, but he pulls out of it. “Let me explain!”
He turns on me. “Explain what, Jo? That you were cheating on me? That you were lying to me about everything even when I asked for the truth?”
I shake my head. “That’s not—”
He throws the flowers on the ground. “I’m such an idiot! I knew something was wrong, but you didn’t seem like the type. And here I was worried about you. I went out of my way to get you flowers and wanted to make sure you were okay . . . forget it.”
“I never cheated on you.”
He scoffs. “Care to explain why you kissed him, then?”
“I had to!” I cry, hating to see him so hurt even if I’m not the only guilty one here. “It was the only way to save Gwen.”
He raises an eyebrow, his gaze all judgment and no compassion. “What? That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Doesn’t it?” I can feel the glare on my face. “I’m not the only one lying here—you don’t think I know you’re keeping secrets from me, too? And yet I never asked, always hoped that you’d explain it to me.”
He doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, but I can see the fear in his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You do! And so do your parents—I know they were lying, too.” I hate that I’m yelling at him, but pushing him away is the only way to keep him safe. “We both have secrets. I guess the question is whether I’m more important than what you’re hiding, and vice versa.”
He purses his lips, and I think he might be holding back tears. “Even if I told you, I don’t think you could ever forgive me.”
His words hit me right in the chest, and I can’t breathe right. He really does know where he came from and what his family did to mine. He knows I’m a witch. He knows about magic. All this time . . . he knew. “See? We’re both liars.”
“How I felt about you—how I still feel—was never a lie.” Winn’s eyes, stormier than ever, meet mine. “But I was selfish to want you, and stupid to hope that you wouldn’t figure it out.”
I hug myself, wishing I didn’t feel exactly the same way. “Just go. Levi and I have a job to do, and you better not interfere.”