“But you’ve got to face the truth here, Skylar. The very qualities that made you so successful in the old life will make you vulnerable in this one. My husband can’t take his eyes off you, and he’s one of the nice guys. For that matter I can’t take my eyes off you, either. Your face, your brand, whatever, will make you a target. You walk out of this house without some real way to protect yourself, and you’re asking for trouble.”
Natalie’s arm slid across the table surface. She took Skylar’s hand into her own.
“And I get why you’re frustrated with Thomas. He’s a little too proud of himself for being prepared, especially because it only happened by sheer luck. He seems to think he needs to do something or be in charge somehow. But there isn’t anything to do. We’re either going to stay here with his supplies, or someone is going to take them from us.”
“But I don’t want to sit here. I want to do something.”
“If we survive this, there will be plenty to do.”
“And Thomas is being selfish. He won’t share with anyone.”
“He’s sharing with us,” Natalie said. “I’m sure his original plan was to keep the food for himself. How many people does he need to feed before you’re satisfied?”
As much as she didn’t want to, Skylar saw her point.
“He’s been pretty damned generous if you ask me,” Natalie added.
“Maybe you’re right.”
“And in the meantime, while we wait this out, is it really so wrong to be close to someone? Wouldn’t it be nice to let down your guard? To feel the touch of someone else?”
Skylar studied Natalie’s eyes, the shadowy contours of her face. Was she talking about Thomas? Or herself?
“You must really have wanted to meet the guy to fly here instead of just calling him.”
“I did want to meet Thomas. And I think I would probably like him if not for all this.”
“To me, it’s hard to blame someone whose heart is in the right place. He wants to shield you from disaster. He wants that for all of us. Is it so wrong to give him a chance?”
TWENTY-FIVE
My Diary: Natalie Black
May 19? 202-
So I just sent Skylar to Thomas.
All this time, I thought I was intimidated by her, by how beautiful and intelligent and put together she seemed. But when she tried to explain how hard it is to be a famous actress, I realized she’s just as lost as everyone else. Eventually we got to the heart of her pain, which is her guilt about not having children, and how that ship has probably sailed. Maybe it has. It’s hard to imagine why anyone would bring another child into a world like this, at least on purpose. But there’s no way to know what the future will bring, and in the meantime, we ought to look for hope where we can.
The problem with sending her to Thomas is, when she held my hand at the table, I realized why I’d felt so unsettled around her. I don’t know how to say this exactly, but I think I’m attracted to her. Like sexually.
If that sounds impossible to you, imagine how surprised I am! Although when I finally acknowledged my desire, I realized how deeply I had buried the truth. All my life, I’ve been trying to create an ideal suburban life because it’s all I knew, and because I wanted to be the daughter my dad imagined I was. But that hasn’t exactly worked out, has it? And if you think I’m blinded by Skylar’s physical beauty, or drawn to her celebrity, that’s because you didn’t feel the electricity that jumped between us when she touched me. I could barely see her in the dark, but the texture of her hand, so soft and smooth and delicate, was nothing like the touch of a man. And once I started thinking about her hands, I couldn’t help but imagine how soft she must be everywhere, how her skin and her curves and her everything would feel beneath my fingertips, how it would taste against my tongue.
But when you’ve just realized something unexpected about yourself, like life-altering, the last thing you want to do is immediately tell someone else. Especially someone who’s given no indication she feels the same way. Someone who is only here because of her attraction to Thomas.
After she went to his room, I tiptoed over and listened while she woke him up. Thomas didn’t seem upset. Then again, would any person on earth be unhappy to wake up and see Skylar Stover standing there?
Seth hasn’t slept with me the past two nights because I’ve been so quiet. After I made that mistake with the lemoncello (that doesn’t look right but how else would you spell it?), I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching. But now that I finally understand what’s been wrong all this time, I feel free in a way I can scarcely remember. Like ever. Even that horrible ringing sound has mostly gone away. And if you want to know the truth, I’m so turned on by the memory of Skylar’s hand that I need someone to touch me. So, I’m going to find Seth. I know that seems crazy, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ll let you know.
May 20, 202- (later)
I wish I knew what time it was. Without clocks, it’s impossible to know if it’s midnight or four in the morning. Anyway, Seth was sleeping on the floor in the boys’ room, because the bed wasn’t wide enough for all three of them. I knew he wouldn’t be able to see me in the dark, so instead I curled up and wrapped my arm around him and pretended not to feel whiskers when I nuzzled into his neck. Eventually, when he was fully awake, I asked him to take me into our room and make love to me.
Seth is attentive in bed, and he always visits “downstairs” before climbing on top of me, but tonight that experience was brand new. When I ran my fingers through his hair, I pretended it was Skylar’s hair, and when his tongue roamed against me, I imagined it was hers. It was easily the most intense orgasm of my life. I know Seth was pleased with himself afterwards, and I tried to seem as if I loved him inside me. But after Skylar’s delicate touch, it was impossible not to notice his rough skin and the sharp angles of his arms and legs and the stiffness of his, well, you know.
When the light comes up, I’ll head to the kitchen and see what I can scare up for breakfast. Poor Thomas has been handling all the food himself, and no one has been eating with him or helping him. Probably today will be different, since he and Skylar will be on good terms, but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? If this were the normal world, I would eventually talk to Seth, and probably we would get divorced. But this is a completely new reality, and for the moment I see no option but stay the course.
Don’t feel sorry for me, though. I may be in a tough place, but I’m not upset.
Because for the first time in my entire life, no matter how ironic it may sound to say this, I feel like everything is right with the world.
TWENTY-SIX
When Thomas woke to find Skylar standing over his bed, carrying a flickering candle, his first thought was something terrible had happened. Larry had broken into the house or Seth had gone outside again or maybe someone was sick. He panicked and sat up in bed and rubbed sleep out of his eyes. But when he opened them again, he could see Skylar was smiling.
Something about her had changed. Her face looked relaxed and free of tension that had been present since the pulse. But before he could ask what had happened, Skylar glanced at the open expanse of bed beside him.
“Do you have room in there for company?”
He blinked.
“Yes, of course.”
Skylar stood the candle on his nightstand. She vaulted over him in one leaping step and soft-landed in the jumble of comforter and sheets. It was too hot to sleep under the covers, but he couldn’t part with them, either. Most nights he slept in boxers and clutched the comforter like a lover.