I looked from Mum, to Kevin, back to Mum again.
“Relax. We didn’t drink or go anywhere we shouldn’t.”
Which I’m sure was a lie.
Mum had her pinched face on. I felt uneasy at what I’d just seen. I didn’t like Mum’s franticness to placate him.
“So you’re becoming friends with Melody and Bryony now? That’s nice. I thought it was about time you branched out,” Mum went on.
I crossed my arms. “Branch out from who?”
“Well, you know how I feel about Kyle… He’s a manipulative boy. Lovely, yes. But there’s a lot going on underneath.”
I almost laughed. Mum, giving me a lecture on who was manipulative. Well, I could play that game.
“Yeah, Melody and Bryony are lovely. They really cheered me up about the fact you cancelled the weekend…”
Mum and Kevin looked up at each other at exactly the same time – I saw them silently unite.
Kevin defended her first. “Now, Amber, you know how important your mum’s work in the centre is…an important part of recovery is giving back and—”
“I can’t believe you’re trying to make me feel bad,” Mum interrupted. “For doing volunteer work! Honestly, Amber, I didn’t raise you to be so selfish.”
You didn’t raise me at all…
I was stupid enough to say, “Really, you didn’t?”
Kevin knocked his tea over as he stood up.
“You say sorry to your mother immediately.”
“Honestly, Amber, why would you say that?”
“It’s my house. You can’t talk to us like that in my house.”
“Are you trying to make me feel bad? Because, guess what, it’s working. Happy now?”
As their yells rolled over me, I retreated into myself, blocking it out… Kyle understood. Kyle got why I was hurt. And yet I hurt him in return.
What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?
I stood up too.
“I’m sorry, okay? I just wanted to spend the weekend with my mum. Is that so terrible? Aren’t I allowed to be disappointed? Even if that makes me selfish?”
I went to the sink and picked up a dishcloth, wiping up Kevin’s spillage.
They were both quiet. Mum started sniffling, but I knew she wouldn’t cry. She never did. Not really.
Kevin regained his composure, pulling out his most patronizing I’ve-had-professional-counselling-training smile.
“I understand why you were disappointed,” he said, all calm. “But do you think it’s fair to make your mum feel bad? She’s been so looking forward to having you stay. We’ve bent a lot of camp rules to have you here. I know you’ve travelled a long way, but we can’t just stop our lives because you’ve come to visit.”
I didn’t know what to say. Not one word of that was fair. This was my first visit in TWO YEARS. I hadn’t seen my mother in TWO YEARS. And, yet, I was SELFISH for wanting to spend just TWO DAYS with her…
Mum was nodding.
Of course she was nodding.
I didn’t know how much hurt I could take. How much more twisting my heart could handle. I’d been broken the day I’d stepped on the aeroplane, and I’d thought this summer would mend me. But I felt more broken, if that were possible. At least the girl stepping onto that aeroplane had hope…
I couldn’t be arsed to fight. There was no point.
“Isn’t it time for dinner soon?”
SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:
Awkward reunions
+
Spaghetti
Twenty-four
Dinner, as normal, was chaos. The weekend staff had definitely lost their sheen. They all had big dark circles under their eyes and a tendency to flinch at anything.
I was so nervous about seeing Kyle. Okay, it had only been, like, two hours, but the dynamic was totally different now. And we had a secret, sort of. I mean, it needed to be a secret. If Mum found out I’d lied to her and run off with some boy, she would go mad. Especially if it was him.
Whinnie hugged me the moment I got in the hall.
“Amber, I’m jealous. You look so rested!”
Calvin spotted me from behind his stuffed jacket potato, and knocked over his chair to run over and hug me.
“Dooph,” I said. “Did you miss me then, Calvin?”
He let go and shrugged, all trying to play it cool. “A little bit.”
I ruffled his hair and he batted me off. “What did I miss?”
“I won a rosette for the painting you helped me with.”
“That’s amazing, go you!”
“And, did you hear we’re having a dance? Right here in the hall? Next week?”
Whinnie nodded. “That’s right. We’re having a dance.”
Calvin pulled at my T-shirt. “Will you dance with me, Amber? Will you? Will you?”
I nodded. “Of course… Now, go finish your tea.”
He smiled. “It’s so weird that you call it tea…”
“Go on.”
Whinnie handed me an apron and I joined her behind the doling-out table, dispensing spaghetti hoops. I ladled out slop onto their plastic plates with dividing bits, deliberately saving the nice looking side of the spaghetti for myself.
“So, how was LA?” Whinnie asked, in a quiet lull in the queue. Most of the kids were already eating. The hall was packed, most of the seats taken, kids laughing and shovelling food down themselves. Mum and Kevin were already eating at the top of the hall. I caught Mum’s eye and she gave me a sad sorry-for-herself smile. I smiled back weakly.
“It was great,” I replied, in that high-pitch voice that always comes out when you’re lying.
Charlie Brown came over for seconds.
“Not till everyone’s had their firsts,” Whinnie said. “Amber and I haven’t even eaten yet.”
He skulked off, kicking the floor in annoyance, and we were alone again.
“That’s weird,” she said. “Because the others aren’t even back yet… And on Saturday morning, they were all saying Kyle had disappeared.”
I dropped my ladle into the spaghetti and the handle sank into the sauce. I swore and got my hands covered with neon red goop trying to pick it out.
“Oh, is that right?”
“And you weren’t on the minibus with everyone else.”
“I wasn’t?”
“Amber. The minibus isn’t even back yet, and you’re here. You are quite obviously not on the minibus.”
I looked down at myself.
“Oh yeah. I guess I’m not.”
“Were you with Kyle?”
Just as I was stuttering, he was there. Back in his camp T-shirt, his sleeves rolled up to show off his arms. His usual massive grin stretched all over his face.
I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him.
“Kyle!” I dropped the ladle again.
“Hey, you want me to take over so you girls can eat?” He was talking to me all normally – like we hadn’t kissed at the top of a waterfall, like I didn’t know about his Andrew Lloyd Webber collection…
“Oh, hey, yeah, that would be…great…wouldn’t it, Whinnie?”
Whinnie was looking at each of us in turn, not missing anything.
“Yeah, thanks, Kyle.” She pushed her glasses up her nose.
“Amber, you’ve got sauce all over the handle!”
He was behind the counter and budged me with his butt to move me out the way. The tiny physical contact made my whole body burn. He really was pretending nothing had happened. I felt our little world slip away, like trying to hold water in my hands… I didn’t want to lose it… Even though it was all my fault, I didn’t want to lose it.
“Oh, yeah, sorry.”
Kyle fished it out and wiped it on the front of the apron he’d put on. Why did he still look like that in an apron? Whinnie and I grabbed some trays and helped ourselves to spaghetti hoops and a baked potato. We took a place right at the end of the table, away from most of the others. It took all my energy not to turn my head to look at Kyle…