From: LongTallAmber
To: LottieIsAlwaysRight, EvieFilmGal
Subject: RE RE RE Is there something wrong with me?
Okay, so totally can’t stop laughing at your emails. Lottie, CALM DOWN, DEAR (uh-oh, patriarchy). I do like him. A lot. Thanks for all your advice. I think…
It had only been a week. How was that possible? I felt like I’d known him for ever. And, yet, I knew nothing. I felt sick at the short amount of time I had to commit his life to memory. To know every inch, every scar, every scratch, every hiccup. And kissing him already wasn’t enough.
Last year, Evie got involved with this total arsewipe we know called Guy and almost ended up losing her virginity to him. Afterwards she told me that she should’ve known it wasn’t a good vibe because whenever Guy wanted to take things further her instincts had been Noooooo, not yet!
It was the opposite between Kyle and me. Maybe it’s because we knew time was tight, but each moment in those stolen night-times was an exercise in self-restraint. His hands would drift into my bra, or up my shorts, and he’d have to stop himself and say sorry, and I’d say it was fine, when, really, I wanted his hands to be there, but I felt like I couldn’t say that. Kissing wasn’t doing it. I wanted to crawl into his skin. Every bit of his body that wasn’t touching me seemed like a horrible waste.
I was drowning. And there was no one on this side of the Atlantic to stop me. Apart from me. And, well, Whinnie.
“I approve,” she said, out of nowhere, as she helped me tidy up the paint pots.
“Huh?”
“Of you and Kyle,” she said. “I approve.”
“WHAT?” A paint pot clattered to the hall floor, echoing around the walls, making my protest even more obvious.
“Don’t worry,” she said, laughing over her glasses. “I won’t tell anyone. And kudos, by the way, for not dropping me now you’re in lurrrrve. I’m glad we’re still hanging out, even though you and Kyle are together.”
I pushed my hair back. “We’re NOT together…” Then realized I’d already lost. “How the feck do you know?”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, you guys are pretty obvious. You’re always staring at each other. I would vomit if I didn’t like you both so very much.”
“I…er…we are? Shite, I hope Mum doesn’t notice.”
“Yeah, I was going to ask about that.” Whinnie picked up another paint pot and tipped the chalky painty water down the sink. “Doesn’t she hate him?”
I let out a big sigh. “I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.” Whinnie knowing made it seem more real, and more scary all of a sudden.
She sensed my upset, and put her pot down to hug me. I smushed into her – so glad I’d made a friend out here. We had already discussed her coming over to England to stay next summer… If I wasn’t here visiting Mum again of course. Part of me still hoped Mum might be home by next summer… Stupid I know.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just curious.”
“No, it’s okay. It’s just, well, I’m leaving soon…we only have a week left of camp…then I only have ten days after camp before my flight home…but Kyle won’t be here for those ten days because camp will have finished…” I was all over the place. “It’s all a bit strange,” I added. I looked up at her and smiled. “What would Winnie the Pooh say?”
She smiled back. “He says a LOT about love, actually.”
“Really? Hit me with it. I’ll put my trust in you and Pooh.”
“Well, he says, when people care too much, that’s what you call love.”
I nodded slowly. “Right, and what does that mean?”
Whinnie shrugged. “Just that. I told you – the beauty of Pooh is there’s no depth to him.”
I thought about Mum suddenly then, rather than Kyle. I cared too much. I really cared too much. It was definitely love – but was that good?
“What else does he say?” I asked, shaking my head a little to stop the bad thought seeping in deeper.
“Umm, well…” I could see her going through her Pooh library in her head. Her eyes shone. “This is more about friendship love, but there’s this lovely bit where he’s talking to Piglet. Pooh says the moment they met, he knew an adventure was going to happen.”
“Riiiight. So love means caring too much and having an adventure? So what does that mean? What should I do?”
She grinned. “Jeez, Amber, I don’t know. But you’re smiling, like, ten million times more than the difficult drunk I met on the first night. So I reckon that’s a good thing.”
“I was difficult?” I picked up another paint pot and began laboriously cleaning it.
“You were SO difficult. And that’s why we’re friends.”
The night before the big dance in the rec hall, Kyle and I agreed to meet at the pier at midnight. The atmosphere in camp was practically vibrating with the promise of slow dances and takeaway pizza. Calvin had yanked some daisies out of the field and asked if he could have the first dance, while Kyle wiggled his eyebrows in mock jealousy behind him. I was in charge of decorating the whole hall and Mum and I decamped there after dinner to work on it. Things were still tense from me guilt-tripping her; Mum knew how to hold a grudge, even against her own daughter. But, outwardly at least, we twirled long ribbons of coloured crepe paper in companionable semi-silence.
“You’ve been smiling a lot recently, Amber.” She carefully cut some ribbon for the balloons we’d finished blowing up.
“It must be the Californian sun.”
“Or getting to spend so much time with your mother?”
“That too.”
I said it just to placate her, as we’d not sat alone together since drinking that hot chocolate. Apart from now, I guessed. I was starting to care less, feeling colder, and, of course, preoccupied by Kyle.
I searched the cluttered table for some Sellotape. I looked up and saw her staring at me, smiling. “You back at the centre this weekend?”
“Yes, it’s going to be an exhausting shift after tomorrow’s dance. The kids never go to bed afterwards, too high on drama and sweets. You’re welcome to come join me?” She asked it nervously, but genuinely.
I shook my head.
“Thanks” – and I found I meant it – “but I’m not covered by weekend relief this week. It’s Whinnie and Russ’s turn.”
Russ was so excited he’d made his watch bleep every hour in countdown to the weekend. Whenever it went, he yelped with joy, and waved it at the kids’ faces, going “Almost time, suckers.” Luckily for him, they found it funny…
“Are they all going to LA too?”
“I think they’re camping in Lake Tahoe.”
I was so unbelievably jealous – the thought of being in a tent, with Kyle, with no kids, and no grown-ups.
“You’ve not spoken much about LA. Did you really hate it?”
I pulled a face to try and cover my I’m-lying face.
“It was…okay.”
The only downside of a perfect week was the dread I felt whenever I thought of Mum finding out about last weekend. We had no one to cover us, especially after Melody went absolutely nuts at Kyle when he told her their kiss was a one-off thing.
“It’s okay,” Mum said. “I felt the exact same way when I first went. You get so excited because you’ve seen the Hollywood sign on the TV your whole life. Then you realize it’s just a pretty gross and seedy place.”
A flower of guilt blossomed in my stomach. “Yeah. It was pretty…um…seedy.”
“Maybe go to a national park or something during your next time off?”
I dropped the Sellotape on the floor. “I’ll hopefully be spending it with you,” I squeaked.
Mum looked up at me. “Oh, yes, of course. It’s in your last week of camp, right?”
How could I be thinking about my last week of camp? Camp was supposed to last a month – that’s ages! How could it almost be done? How could it end when everything was just starting? And my heart did a little rip in two – I couldn’t see Kyle in that time? It would be our last days together…but my mother, my blood and guts mother, I needed to see her too.