“How was LA?” she asked.
I knew then I was busted.
“It was okay. I told you, why?”
Her mouth narrowed so much I couldn’t see her lips. The look was so terrifying that I actively searched around the hall for help. And Russ was there. He’d just got through the door. He looked stressed, still wearing camp uniform, and searching the hall. He saw me and started making his way over, his face urgent.
Oh God, something had happened.
Mum pulled my arm to get my attention back.
“Bryony and Melody just told me you didn’t go. They said they didn’t see you the whole weekend.”
Shit shit shit shit.
“Have you been checking up on me?”
Deflection; deflection was always a good idea.
“That’s not an answer to my question.”
“Well, technically, you didn’t even ask me a question.”
My fear was morphing into something new – anger. Why should she care where I was that weekend anyway? She was the reason I’d had nothing to do, nowhere to go. Why did she think she could suddenly play the disciplinarian adult role now? I’d seen my mother piss herself on our living room sofa. I’d seen her clutching onto the sides of our family toilet as she retched up vomit that contained nothing but liquid. She had always been home later than me. She’d always broken more rules than me. Then she left and stopped even pretending to care. I wasn’t going to let her start pretending now.
“Stop trying to be clever, Amber.”
Russ waved, trying to get my attention, but when he saw I was with my mum, he halted.
“I’m not.”
“Did you go to LA?”
A bright red disco light shone in my face, making me see stars.
“No.”
Mum’s face hardened. “Where did you go?”
“Somewhere that wasn’t LA.”
“Who with?”
“Why does that matter?”
She twisted my hand.
“Oww!”
“IT MATTERS.” Her voice was so tight her vocal cords could snap. “Because you’re my daughter and you disappeared for two days and I had no idea where you were.”
I rolled my eyes, just to piss her off.
“Mum, you never have any idea where I am. When I’m in England, and you’re here, I could be doing ANYTHING and you wouldn’t have a clue.”
Her voice shook. “Don’t you dare try and twist this on me. Tell me where you went, and who with.”
I crossed my arms. “No.”
Russ was practically jumping up and down to get my attention now.
“Hang on.” I stepped away from her. What was wrong? Something was wrong… Where was Kyle?
“Amber, you can’t just walk away when I’m talking to you…”
I ignored her and ran over to Russ.
“Russ, what’s going on?”
“Amber!” His eyes were all wide. It was the first time I’d seen him upset since I’d met him. “They’ve fired Kyle.”
No. No no no no no no no no.
“What?”
“He’s packing now. He has to have left by the time the dance is over.”
“Why? Why the fuck are they firing him?”
But I knew the answer…
“One of the kids in his cabin woke up early this morning with an earache. Kyle wasn’t there. The kid flipped out and got everyone up. They all got in a right state. They woke me up, and I calmed everyone down. I thought we could keep it quiet, but the little kid told Kevin first thing this morning.”
This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening.
“Why are you only just telling me this?”
Russ gave me a look, and I knew then that he knew. About Kyle and me. He looked pissed off but like he was trying hard not to be.
“It’s been going on all day. Kevin’s been interrogating Kyle the whole time, to find out what the hell he was doing. He won’t say…so they’ve fired him.”
My fault. It was all my fault.
“Where is he?” I asked with such urgency that any suspicion Russ had was instantly confirmed. “He’s packing. He’ll be gone in an hour. He… I think he wants to see you.”
“Of course.”
I could see how upset Russ was. They’d worked together two summers and now I’d messed everything up. I turned to run, but Mum was behind me, grabbing me again.
I turned back. Furious. She must’ve known this was going on all day, and she didn’t tell me.
“What is it?”
“We’ve not finished our conversation.”
I didn’t have time for any conversation with anyone other than Kyle. He couldn’t leave…he couldn’t…it couldn’t be the end. Right now couldn’t be the end… We still had a week… My heart felt like someone had it in a vice grip and was squeezing it until all the juices ran dry.
Russ was hovering, waiting to see what I was going to do. This was my fault. If I told Mum, maybe I could change things?
“I went to Yosemite. With Kyle,” I yelled at her so loud, some children around us stopped pogoing. “Okay? It was my fault he wasn’t in his cabin last night. He met me, because I asked him to… Because I told him I was upset about something. So you can’t fire him. Promise me you won’t fire him! It’s all my fault. If you fire him, you have to fire me!”
Mum’s face jerked back.
“You went away with Kyle?”
I nodded, frantic. “Yes. Nothing happened. Just as friends.”
Though we weren’t just friends now. So much more than friends.
“And you expect me to believe that?”
“I don’t expect you to do anything. Other than NOT FIRE HIM, because last night was all my fault.”
I yelled the last bit so loud I could be heard over the music.
A massive bumchin came into my line of vision. Kevin was at our side.
“Amber? Russ? What’s going on?” His voice was still all breezy but I could hear the authority under it. We are not allowed to yell at camp. We are not allowed to express anything other than Mickey Mouse Club personalities in front of the children.
But Kevin could help me.
I grabbed him instead. “Kevin! Kevin? You can’t fire Kyle. You can’t. Last night, it was all my idea. It was all my fault.”
Kevin and Mum shared a look. One I didn’t like.
Kevin’s arm was around me – all faux sympathetic, because his grip on my shoulder was vicelike.
“Let’s talk about this outside.” He weaved me through the dancing and staring children. Russ followed. He was shaking.
I kept up a constant stream of gibberish. “I told him to leave the cabin. I needed his help… It’s all my fault… Honestly, Kevin, you can’t fire him. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. You have to fire me, not him.”
Mum stormed ahead. I could tell just from the back of her head that she was gunning for a fight.
I would fight…if I had to… I couldn’t let Kyle leave.
The air outside was still sticky from the day’s heat with absolutely no breeze.
“You can’t fire him, you can’t fire him.”
“Shh, Amber, that’s not your decision. And you have to keep it down! The children will get upset.”
“No, Kevin. You don’t understand. It’s my fault.”
“Amber. He left vulnerable children, alone, in a cabin. Anything could’ve happened. We have to let him go, we have no choice.”
Maybe that was reasonable. It didn’t sound reasonable to me.
“But it’s my fault. I asked him to come!”
“But you’re not responsible for sleeping in with the kids, Amber. Kyle is. He let us down in regard to that responsibility.”
Mum stepped between us.
“And she’s been seeing him! Tell Kevin, tell him that you went to bloody Yosemite with him.” She sounded so much more British when she was angry.
“That’s not against the rules,” I sobbed. Because I was sobbing now. In utter disbelief that things could unravel so quickly. “Please, Kevin, please. It won’t happen again.”
Russ stood at my side, his mouth wide open. I guess it was all news to him – Yosemite, Kyle sneaking out to meet me. Maybe he couldn’t believe someone like Kyle would bother with someone like me. I used to not believe it either. But I did now. And I had to fight for him. No, I had to be with him… He could be leaving any second.