She really was sobbing now. I tried to steel myself against her tears. That freedom I’d felt that morning, in the swimming pool. I thought I’d somehow, finally, after all these years, managed to stop her getting to me.
“You have my photograph in the guest room!” I said, weeks after I’d first thought it.
She looked up. “Because it’s too painful to look at you every day. It’s too painful to remember what I had to leave behind to stay alive.”
Mum was answering. She was finally answering. I’d had to run away from her, give up on her at last to make her follow. But she was here now and she was talking. It didn’t seem real. And, now she was here, now she was sharing, I was scared of what her answers would be.
“Why did you have to move away to America though? It’s so far, Mum,” I said, my voice cracking. “And you never came to visit.”
She tried to compose herself, sipped more water. Her hand was so tight in my hand.
“Because I couldn’t bear to see the mess I’d made of our family. The hurt I saw in your face. It destroyed me, Amber. The way you looked at me…” Another sob bubbled. “It made me feel like such a failure, it made me want to drink. I had to move away, to have a fresh start. And Kevin, I know you hate him and blame him for me coming here, but he saved me. He believes in me. He loves me, despite all I’ve done. He lives a healthy life, he gives me a healthy life – one that doesn’t make me want to drink. We go hiking, we help others, we run the camp, we live in the mountains… I’m a different person, I’m someone to be proud of. But I’m still an alcoholic, Amber. And I’ve found this summer so hard, because you still look at me like that. Like, if only I tried harder, I could be a better mum. But I’m trying my best, Amber, I really am.”
When Mum left for America, Dad made me go to this one counselling session, where they handed over all these leaflets about alcoholics. The leaflets said that addicts were “manipulative” and that they could be “emotionally abusive”. Right then, I could’ve chosen to interpret Mum like that. But she was my mum, and she was actually answering my questions for the first time ever. This was the first conversation we’d ever had about everything that had happened, beyond her just going on the defensive or changing the subject. It hurt so much, but I finally realized maybe I wasn’t the reason she left, she was the reason she left. There was nothing I could’ve done to keep her at home, make her better myself. I listened to what she said, and I…believed it. If she hadn’t met Kevin, if she hadn’t moved here, she would probably be dead. It still ached, I still wished she’d never left me, but I knew now…
I could finally understand why.
“I’m really proud of you,” I said. And I was.
I stared at her, her healthy skin, her glass not full of vodka. I couldn’t imagine the strength it must’ve taken for her to get to this place, to give up what she needed to get here. I never thought I’d feel proud of my mum. But now, now I did.
“And I’m so proud of you, I really am, honey,” she said. “It’s been…a blessing having you here this summer, seeing how strong and beautiful you are, despite all you’ve been through.” She looked up into my eyes, and it was my eyes staring back at me. “Please come back, Amber.” She held my hand tighter. “You won’t get into any trouble. Kevin said so. He’s really not the monster you think he is. If you need to blame someone for leaving, blame me. I’ll try and make more time… We only have a few weeks, but we’ll make them count.”
Blame. She was finally accepting blame. She was finally saying everything that I’d wanted to hear.
Yet I let go of her hand.
“No.”
Her eyes fell. “What?”
“I’m not going back. I’m driving to Brown. With Kyle.”
As if on cue, Kyle appeared at the elevator doors. We’d agreed he’d give us half an hour then come down and check on me. The worry on his face made my heart truly, fully, give itself to him. I made a hand signal, telling him to wait. Mum saw, turned round and scowled.
“Amber, you can’t drive off with him. How will you get back?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“You’re underage. I could stop you.”
“You won’t.”
“But…but…what about our time together?” She looked like a child.
I sighed and pushed a stray tear back into my eye. So much of me wanted to go back – to have those fairy-tale weeks I’d imagined when I first booked my plane ticket.
“Mum, you said you need to put the addiction first, and I get that, I really do. And I’m so happy you’ve come here, and you’ve told me all this.” My voice wobbled. “But I need to do something for me now. I need to put my own happiness first. And driving to Brown, with Kyle, who you’ve totally underestimated by the way, is part of that. I need to do this, Mum… For me… It’s my turn to need to be selfish…”
Her head fell down, and I thought she was going to cry again. But when she looked back up, she was smiling. Sadly, but smiling.
“Then, go for it… And, Amber?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry…”
She said sorry…
The apology melted in the air between us.
And then, like all apologies, I realized I didn’t need it.
“I love you, Mum. It’s okay,” I said.
Because it was okay now. As okay as it could be. And that’s all you can ask for sometimes, when it comes to love.
We both cried, and hugged, and said goodbye. Because that was the last time I’d see her that summer. That year. Maybe even the next year after that.
And that was okay too.
SITUATIONS THAT WON’T FAIL IF YOU DON’T LET THEM:
You
+
Someone who loves you
+
Whatever the world throws at you
Thirty-seven
We woke well before dawn, like we said we would. Piled ourselves into the car and drove out of the city, leaving the still-glittering lights behind us.
Soon there was just desert. And a horizon. And us driving into it.
Kyle’s hand stayed on my knee. Still checking I was all right.
I was all right.
The first twinges of sunlight inched their way up the sky, casting yellow light over the vast expanse of the desert stretching out in front of us.
We weren’t driving off into the sunset.
We were driving into the sunrise.
Our journey hadn’t even started yet.
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About Holly Bourne
Holly writes YA novels and blogs about feminist issues. Her favourite things to complain loudly about are: the stigma of mental health, women’s rights and the under-appreciation of Keanu Reeves’ acting ability.
Holly’s first two books, Soulmates and The Manifesto on How to be Interesting, have been critically acclaimed and translated into six languages. The first book in the “Normal” series, Am I Normal Yet? has been chosen as a World Book Night book for 2016, and has inspired the formation of Spinster Clubs across the country.