Menus from which you order by the number.
A nonsmoking section (without smokers smoking).
Lesson 10
The Carioca Summer
Those summer months in Rio, from September to May, are very popular because of all the available activities and the hot, humid weather. Summer also seems to bring out the inherent passion that lives inside all Cariocas, so the days when the thermometers reach 44 °C (that’s about in°F, folks) are not really that bad-as long as you know what to do and what not to do.
• Go to the beach
• Sit in an air-conditioned room
• Drink chopps at the boteco
• Wear a tanga or sunga all day
• Go to an air-conditioned motel
• Go to work
• Walk downtown
• Drive during rush hour
• Shop in Copacabana
• Wear much clothing
Going to the beach
If you think that going to the beach is simply a matter of putting on a bathing suit, grabbing a towel, and heading for the nearest stretch of white sand to bag a few rays, think again. To the Carioca, going to the beach is an art form.
Before venturing out, be sure to refer back to Lesson 6 to ensure you are dressed (or undressed) appropriately. Then check your newspaper to see if the health authorities have liberated your favorite beach for swimming. Being a Carioca, ignore the warnings; but once your are there, do look out for:
• pivetes and ratos de praia
• fishing lines
• bugs that you can see and that bite
• bugs that you can’t see and that bite
• UFOs (Unidentified Floating Objects)
• IFOs (Identified Floating Objects)
• dog mines
When in Rio, it is absolutely imperative that you go to the beach like a true Carioca. If you resort to your usual habits, you will definitely be labeled a tourist. Therefore, memorize the following thirteen easy Steps on how to conduct yourself once you have arrived AT the beach. Remember! Your status as a Carioca will depend on it.
Step 1. Parking: When arriving by car you will naturally be met by a flanelinha, with the exception that here he will be weaving not only a flag; he will be flapping a piece of cardboard at you while directing you to the nearest parking space. The cardboard is to cover your windshield so that you won’t burn your fingers on the steering wheel after it bakes in the hot sun. Clever, no? Insist that the cardboard isn’t necessary, and he will put one on your car anyway. Be sure to carry the appropriate change for him. But before leaving your vehicle in his care, be sure to say:
«Te pago na volta, mermão.» [tchee ’pah goh nah ’vohl tah merh ’mown]: «I’ll pay you later, buddy.»
Step 2. Collecting your paraphernalia: A true Carioca will always carry beach chairs, an umbrella, esteiras [eh ’shtay rrahs] (straw mats), and other beach paraphernalia in the trunk of his car. That way, no matter where he is, he will be prepared to stop what he is doing and hit the beach. (Of course, wearing beach attire from morning until the sun goes down always facilitates matters when the beach is calling.)
Step 3. Deciding where to sit: In the process of developing your new status as a Carioca, where you settle on the beach is of utmost importance. Sitting close to a beer vendor guarantees that your cervas and your água com gás [’ah gwah kown ’gaiysh] (water with gas) will be delivered ice cold, and you won’t have to move from your spot when it comes time to order the next round. Avoid sitting next to the sewers or too close to the water. It is very embarrassing when a wave washes away your belongings, and it could even trigger an early departure from the beach. Of course, sitting close to the sidewalk where the sand is the hottest you run the risk of burning your feet going to and from the water. When sitting near the sidewalk on São Conrado beach, there also exists the added excitement of hang gliders landing on top of you.
If in doubt, just check where the other Cariocas are, mark your spot, and join the crowd.
Step 4. Setting up your umbrella: To properly set up your guarda sol (beach umbrella), take the bottom half of the pole and stab it into the sand as hard as you can. Be sure to pay close attention to the direction of the sun to avoid repeating the entire process. Then rotate the pole in a counterclockwise motion, as if you were stirring a large pot of beans. Once it is securely buried — at least twenty centimeters in the sand — you are then ready to attach the top portion of your umbrella. (Reserve at least five minutes for this process. If you don’t bury the pole sufficiently, it will fly away with the first gust of wind.)
On those crowded summer days, the color of your umbrella will be the only means in which to find your way back to your spot. Keep this in mind when purchasing your new umbrella. Consequently, the least attractive one you can find is a sure bet. (Perhaps a lime green with orange polka dots?)
Step 5. Laying down your towel or straw mat (only for women): Once again, carefully check the sun’s direction before laying down your towel or esteira. Then prepare the sand in the following fashion: While standing, dig a hole in the sand with one foot, pushing the sand into a mound. The hole in the sand will cradle your bottom in a hammock fashion, and the mound will secure your head. Once you have built a substantial mound, smooth it over with your foot. Hand use must be avoided in this process. Place your towel on top. While lying in this position you are guaranteed a perfect view of all the sights.
Step 6. Getting settled: Once your umbrella is up, your chairs are unfolded, and your towel is down, you are then free to remove your «arriving-at-the-beach» attire.
For females: If you are not using a towel, unwrap your kanga very carefully and place it, with one snapping motion and a bend at the waist, on the previously prepared mounds. Next, remove your T-shirt, adjust the top portion of your tanga, and place your shirt, neatly folded, in your beach bag. Remove suntan oil from your bag, and slowly, while standing, spread it over your entire body. This should take no less than three minutes in order to achieve the maximum desired effect. Place your beach bag within easy reach, sit on your kanga, swivel at the waist, and stretch out. Presto! You are now ready to receive those penetrating rays. In order to prevent back strain when it is time to flip over, ask the closest gatao to oil those hard to reach areas. There should be an abundant supply of volunteers to help you avoid getting a nasty burn in those inconvenient spots.
For males: Quickly remove your T-shirt and outer shorts, and hang them inside the umbrella. The longer you remain with your shirt on the less you’ll look like a Carioca.
Step 7. Making friends with the beer vendor: Develop a friendly rapport with the closest barraqueiro [bah hah ’kay rroo] (beer vendor with his own stand). This may be achieved by first introducing yourself in the following fashion: