To quit drinking: Place seventy-two grains of corn inside a bottle of red wine. Leave it in the cupboard for seven nights. Whenever you feel the desire to drink, open the bottle and smell the liquid for thirty seconds. Afterwards, take a deep breath, fill a wine glass with the wine, and throw it out the kitchen door.
So if you should find yourself in one of these unfortunate circumstances while visiting Rio, just tell your friends you are resorting to simpatia, and your status as a Carioca will be intact. Of course, if your problem requires more immediate care, Rio has several excellent municipal hospitals completely staffed for any emergency. (See Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines.»)
Lesson 14
Uh, Oh… It’s the Police
Being a Carioca you will inevitably find yourself in a situation in which contact with the polícia is required. Whether it be a traffic problem, an encounter with a pivete, or a robbery in your home, you can feel safe knowing that Rio’s finest, those brave Cariocas who make a living upholding the law, are always ready to come to your assistance.
For example, if you have been held up and have been relieved of your cell phone and your watch, simply locate the nearest police booth (conveniently located on many street corners), and report the incident. The police officer will then radio in to the nearest patrol car, which should arrive within the hour to take your statement and investigate the occurrence.
If you hear intruders trying to break into your apê during the night, a quick phone call to the nearest police station should result in a couple of armed officers arriving at your door in nothing less than an hour. In the event there is no answer at the police station, or the line is busy, wait for ten or twenty minutes, and try again. (Refer to Lesson 13, «Using the Phone.») After all, the officers probably just Stepped away from their desks for a cafezinho break. If they are just on a break, someone will eventually answer to take your complaint, and a camburão (paddy wagon) will soon be on its way.
When you are in the wrong
Often, due to uncontrollable circumstances, even the most conscientious Carioca on wheels might find himself with an expired driver’s license (or no license at all), invalidated car registration papers, an inoperable fire extinguisher, jammed seat belts, or mandatory liability insurance. If when driving your car you are pulled over by a police officer in a routine blitz, or dura [’doo rrah], and all is not in order, you are in luck! Carioca police officers tend to be extremely accommodating, and they will do whatever they can to get you back on the road with the minimum of inconvenience. Due to this obliging disposition and your being a Carioca, when finding yourself on the wrong end of the stick you’ll have the opportunity to resort to the common jeitinho in order to quickly resolve this potentially bothersome dilemma.
How to apply the jeitinho: In order to successfully apply the jeitinho when pulled over by the Carioca police, first create a friendly relationship with the attending officer. Then generate a gracious atmosphere by showing your respect for his position as upholder of the law. This respect may be gained by addressing him in any one of the following manners:
• senhor [sen ’nyoh]: Sir
• seu guarda [seyoo ’gwah dah]: Mr. Guard
• autoridade [oh toh ree ’dah gee]: Authority
Obs.: Never address a police officer as caninha (cop). If you do, all chances of «resolving» your situation will be ruined.
Next, to determine whether the officer is willing to help you settle the affair amiably and with as little inconvenience as possible, simply proceed in the following manner:
Step 1. When the police officer approaches your car window, give him a thumbs-up, then say:
«E aí, seu guarda? Tá numa boa?»
(«So what’s up, Mr. Guard? Everything OK?»)
Step 2. If the issue at hand, for example, is an expired driver’s license, pull out your expired license and smile, saying:
«Olha so, seu guarda, o negocio e o seguinte…»
(«Look, Mr. Guard, the story is the following.»)
Don’t forget. Your explanation should be dramatic, taking no less than four minutes.
Step 3. If the officer doesn’t seem to be buying your story, and you still haven’t received the desired response, put on an innocent face and say:
«Seu guarda, num dá pra dá um jeitinho?»
(«Mr. Guard, isn’t there a way around this?»)
Of course, you may not get out of that ticket and paying that fine, but it is worth the try! And remember: since it is second nature, a true Carioca will always try the jeitinho.
When it’s time to grease the palm: It is at this point that a true Carioca will instinctively appeal to the generous nature of many Carioca officers by suggesting an agreement — along the lines of «You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.» In other words, the officer won’t have to fill out that tiresome paper work, and you won’t have to suffer any further inconveniences or delays. It’s been said that on occasion the officer himself might generously ask the motorist, «Do you want a multa (fine)?» In this case you are bound to have a clear shot at applying the jeitinho.
Whatever the circumstances, being a Carioca, offer half, insisting it is all you have. If agreed upon, friendly smiles will be exchanged, he will bid you a boa viagem (good trip), and you will be back on the road rapidinho (quickly) but not before receiving his kindly advice not to do whatever you did again. If you are on the highway, you may even receive a tip from your new friend, the police officer, on how to avoid the next police dura that is waiting for you a few kilometers down the road.
A few important tips
In an effort to protect innocent citizens from undesirable elements, Carioca police tend to be heavily armed. Therefore, it is important to heed the following recommendations whenever summoned by local authorities while on the road:
1. Always stop. If you don’t, you might find your car, or yourself, furnished with new air-conditioning vents. If you survive, the odds of developing a friendly relationship with the policeman, in this case, will be extremely poor.
2. Always smile and remain calm. By irritating the officer you might be taken to the police station where the jeitinho is more complex and more difficult to negotiate. Meeting the delegado (sheriff) could put a big dent in your style.
3. Do not let the officers impound your car. Since they will probably figure it is stolen — therefore free game — you stand a good chance of eventually recovering it free of hubcaps, radio, and tire jack — but complete with a new set of shiny smooth tires.