4. Don’t be fooled by the local patrol cars, those rusty camburas with the balding tires. Even though there is a Carioca behind the wheel, they will never catch up to you — but you can be sure that their machine gun bullets will!
Lesson 15
Using the Phone
As you should know by now, Cariocas are seldom at a loss for words, and where better to exercise their talent than over the phone. Just when you think they are through talking, they get going again. By comparison, take Germans. Try saying something like «Boy, what about those interest rates» to a German over the phone and you’ll probably get a response along the lines of «Ya, very high.» That same comment to a Carioca, you won’t get another word in edgewise until it’s time for the novela das oito or the line goes dead, whichever comes first.
Needless to say, Cariocas love to jogar conversa fora [joh ’gahh kon vehrr sah ’faw rrah] (chew the fat). It comes with the territory. So whether you are closing a deal or simply shooting the breeze with a beach buddy, include a healthy dose of at least one of the following the next time you make a call, and you, too, will be burning up the lines like a true Carioca:
• conversa mole [kohn ’vehrr sah ’maw lee]: a story that takes at least five minutes to tell and is full of holes.
• conversa fiada [kohn ’vehrr sah fee ’yah duh]: a story that takes at least five minutes to tell, is full of holes, and is never true.
• tititi [tchee tchee tchee]: a story about a third person that takes at least five minutes to tell and is not necessarily true. Also referred to as fofoca or lengo-lengo.
Alô alô?
Contrary to what you may have heard previously, Rio’s telephone service is right up there with the First World’s. You can dial direct to most anywhere, public phones are plentiful, and cell phones are not only abundant, they are a must. So you might be asking yourself, «Why is there a lesson on using the telephone if the system is so great?» If you were a Carioca you wouldn’t ask that question.
Since using the phone in Rio is often an adventure, check out the following jeitinhos. They might be useful the next time you decide to let your finger do the walking.
Placing a calclass="underline" If you pick up the phone and you don’t hear a hum, your phone is dead. Either grab your cell or go the nearest public phone, call the telephone company, and report it. The phone company representative will promise to send a technician around to fix it within forty-eight hours, and, if you’re lucky, you can rest assured he will arrive promptly ON the forty-ninth hour. In the event the technician gets lost, or is simply too busy to show up, grab your cell or go back to the nearest public phone, call the telephone company, and file a complaint. But remember! Do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, within seconds you will hear a click, the line will go dead, and you will be forced to repeat the process.
Answering the phone: Your phone is working, the number you dialed is ringing, and — hallelujah! — someone is answering. Even though it is YOU who is initiating the call, do NOT ask to speak to someone specific. Believe me, if you don’t get that right, you won’t be fooling anyone. Instead, do as a Carioca does, and the phone call could begin something like this:
Person answering: «Alô?» («Hello?»)
Correct response: «De onde fala?» («From where are you talking?»)
Person answering: «Aqui e 5559–1234.» («This is 5559–1234.»)
Correct response: «Com quem eu falo?» («Who’s speaking?»)
Person answering: «Deseja falar com quem?» («Who would you like to speak to?»)
And so on and so forth. Eventually, either you’ll hear a click and the line will go dead, or the party on the other end will finally reveal his or her name. Now’s the time to say «Oi.»
If you get a wrong number: You know how it is when you dial a wrong number; you feel like you’ve Stepped in something dubious. Not so to a Carioca. Dial a wrong number in Rio and you might end up having a conversation like this:
— Alô? Quem fala? É o Joáo? É a Maria! (Hello? Who’s speaking? Is it João? This is Maria!)
— Oi Maria, tá boa? (Hi Maria, how are you?)
— Tudo. Vem cá. Sabia que a… [tititi] (Fine. Listen. Did you know that, [gossip gossip gossip])
— É mêrino? (Really?)
— Olha só, Joáo. Nao posso te encontrar pois [conversa fiada] (Look, João. I can’t meet up with you because [a flimsy excuse]
— Peraí. Aqui é 3399–4321. Que número você discou? (Wait a minute. This is 3399–4321. What number did you dial?)
— Uééé… Como é que pode? Disquei 4321–3399. (Hmmm. How can that be? I dialed 4321–3399.)
— Bom. Se quiser tomar um chopp lá no baixo, me liga, tá? (Well, if you wanna go out for a beer, give me a call, OK?)
— Pô aí, valeu. (Hey. Thanks.)
— Beijo. (Kiss)
— Outro. (Another)
It’s enough to make you wonder if your fingers have a life of their own. Anyway, if you should reach the same number three times in a row, do as the Carioca does: ask the «wrong number» to kindly leave the phone off the hook for a few minutes, which should allow you the opportunity to reach other wrong numbers. By the fifth try, if you are still reaching wrong numbers, slam the phone on the floor and grab your cell. A Carioca would.
Making «Economy Calls»: Once you have managed to complete your call to the correct party and are deep in conversation, you might find you have been selected for one of the phone company’s special services, the free-of-charge «Economy Call.» Recognizing that their services are a bit steep and that others might be wanting to use the line, the phone company will be kind enough to automatically cut you off mid- sentence. If your call becomes an «Economy Call,» hang up the phone and wait for the other person to return your call. When asked why you didn’t call them back, just say you tried, but it was always busy, and they will understand. This is a sure way of reducing those nasty end- of-the-month bills. Of course, for obvious reasons, a true Carioca will not be shy in selecting himself for an «Economy Call.»
The Carioca «Party Line»: No need to move out to the sticks to experience the joys of a party line, folks. This free-of-charge service is available right here in Rio. Just pick up the receiver, place your call, and begin your conversation. Within seconds you will be joined on the line by a third, or even a fourth, party. The Carioca «Party Line» will often turn into a name-calling, shouting match between all parties involved. As a matter of principle, a Carioca will never hang up before the other parties on the line.
Special effects: Another free-of-charge courtesy of the local phone company, the Carioca telephone often comes equipped with strange noises, electronic sounds, and other special effects better known as chiado [shee ’yah doo]. Usually resented for rainy days, to enjoy this special service, simply dial a number, get to a crucial point in your conversation, and the special effects will be activated.