«In the South,» began the Gaúcho, «they say that if there were a fight involving a Gaúcho, a Paulista, a Mineiro (a local from Minas Gerais), and a Carioca, the Gaúcho would fight, the Paulista would get beaten up, and the Mineiro would try to separate the two.»
«What about the Carioca?»
«He would have run away long before!»
I know it was in poor taste, but like I said, this one came from a Gaúcho, one of those Brazilian men from the South whose favorite pastime is sitting around sipping tea from a gourd while boasting about his machismo. No Carioca macho I know would sit around sipping tea, that’s for sure.
Well, you might be asking yourself by now, «Why do these otherwise worthy Brazilians feel the need to make stabbing jokes about the Carioca?» Well, that’s obvious. They are all jealous — and I mean really jealous. Who could blame them? Cariocas have it all. They are witty, well-informed, playful, great looking, friendly, and sincere. Why, meet any Carioca and he’ll say, «Aparece lá em casa» («Come around to my place»), even if he hardly knows you. To top it all, aside from having the wildest Carnaval, Rio is home to the best soccer teams in the world. Ask any Carioca, and he’ll agree with me on that.
So if you are visiting Rio, but don’t want to stick out like a pair of wing-tipped, lace-up shoes in a room full of rubber sandals, read How to Be a Carioca. Just a week or two of study and people will think you’ve lived in Rio all your life — and so will you. Soon you, too, will be feeling the joys of being a true Carioca. And remember, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate — «Aparece lá em casa.»
Preface by the Illustrator
In attempting to create a comprehensive guidebook about the Carioca, those delightfully creative inhabitants of Rio de Janeiro, I think the author (with my generous input) has been quite successful. Believe me, if anyone can teach you how to be a local in Rio, she’s got a clear shot at it. And since I am a legitimate Carioca from birth, you’ve got to give me credit for being an authority on the subject.
Of course, the art of being a Carioca incorporates millions of cultural peculiarities, well beyond those mentioned in this book. With enough ideas and material to fill a twelve volume encyclopedia, we came to the conclusion, being the good Cariocas we are, that it would simply be too much work. Therefore, we decided to do an abbreviated version and focus on giving you, the gringo, the opportunity to fully acquaint yourself with the positive energy that, thanks to the Carioca, radiates from this outrageously charming city.
Lesson 1
Taking Off
Paris, London, San Francisco, Rome, Buenos Aires, Tokyo, Madrid, New York, Rio de Janeiro? Rio? Yes, Rio.
GREAT choice!
Lesson 2
Getting Started in Carioca
Being the seasoned traveler you are, you know there is more to a city than its sites. Namely, there are the people. And being the adventurous traveler you are, whether on vacation or business, you’ll want to avoid making a spectacle out of yourself by acting like a tourist; you’ll want to act like one of the locals. Therefore, when in Rio you’ll want to be a Carioca!
Now there are Cariocas, and then there are Cariocas, but a true Carioca is a person who:
• lives in the city of Rio de Janeiro, preferably on or near the beach (or else aspires to),
• professes to being between 15 and 39 years old, and
• makes it a habit of going to the beach before, after, or instead of work.
Note: All sexes, social classes, and ethnic groups are welcome.
Of course, you may be wondering if being a Carioca is for you. If so, find out by considering your willingness to do the following:
• Substitute your pale, tense, competitive expression for a tanned look of confident serenity and complacency;
• Trade in your plaid shirts, polyester shorts, and tasseled loafers for a Pizzaria Guanabara T-shirt, surfer shorts, and a pair of rubber sandals, preferably blue;
• Exchange your gold, initialed money clip for a rubber band;
• Drop your third-generation, six-figure corporate name. (Dudu [Doo ’doo] and Bete [’Beh tche] are more appropriate names than Edward and Elizabeth for someone who haggles with the local beer vendor on the beach.)
If you eagerly answered «yes» to the above and are ready to open your heart to the city of Rio, you are already on the road to becoming a true Carioca.
Lesson 3
Arriving in Rio
Flying into Rio you will be landing at one of the world’s most efficient airports. And it is at the airport where you will have your first opportunity to practice being a Carioca. Memorize the following essential words and phrases. They will help you get through those first scary hours at the airport. Note: Phonetic spelling has been used liberally throughout this book in order to guide the novice Carioca towards correct pronunciation.
«E aí, mermão, beleza?» [ее ah ’ее merh ’mown beh ’leh zah]: «So what’s up, buddy? Everything cool?»
«O negócio é o seguinte…» [oh nay ’gaw seeyoo eh oh say ’geen tche]: «The story is the following…»
«Num dá pra dá um jeitinho?» [noon ’dah prrah ’dah oon jay ’tchee nyoo]: «Isn’t there a way around this?»
uma estupidamente gelada [oo mah eh ’shtoo pee dah mayn tche jeh ’lah dah]: an extremely cold beer.
At the airport: Upon arrival, disembark and proceed as follows:
1. Wait in the immigration line, get stamped in, and descend to the baggage claim area, which you will find empty.
2. Take a left or right (depending which airline you arrived on) and you will see a crowd rushing into the Duty Free Shop, the mecca for arriving Carioca travelers.
3. Follow the crowd, grab a shopping cart, and force your way through the crowd, filling your cart with the following:
• 4 bottles of perfume or eau de cologne
• 1 case of imported Scotch or vodka
• 5 tubes of Crest toothpaste
• 1 package of Hershey Bars
(Of course, you probably won’t need these items. But being a true Carioca you will always buy anything, as long as it is imported.)
4. Proceed to the checkout counter and wait in line.