Accept a cafezinho, then spend at least thirty minutes fazendo sala (making small talk) with her family. Acceptable topics for conversation are the weather (too hot), crime (the pivete who took off with your watch), interest rates (blame it on the dollar), and the latest episode of the novela das oito.
When the conversation gets slow, or the ten o’clock program begins on television, take your leave by kissing all the women on both cheeks, shaking the men’s hands and patting their backs, and stopping by the kitchen to compliment the maid on her excellent cafezinho before heading for the elevator.
Drive around baixo (lower) Leblon and Gavea, the areas with the greatest concentration of barzinhos, passing at least three times by each place to check out the crowd.
Settle at your favorite barzinho and order a portion of batata frita and a couple of chopps or caipirinhas. Be sure to sit next to each other and not across from each other. In this position you will both be able to appreciate the action and comment on everyone else, thus ensuring a constant flow of conversation (and avoiding those uncomfortable silences).
If by now all is going well and you want to spend some private time together, the true Carioca will take his date to:
• the back seat of his car by the parking lot at Joatinga beach,
• the back seat of his car by a kiosk on Barra beach, or
• a special suite at a motel.
Motels: If you think that motels are for families on the road or the drowsy traveler, guess again. Motels are for SEX. Due to the Cariocas’ crowded living conditions, the only place where you can really be alone and comfortable is a motel, and Rio has hundreds to choose from.
Get a special suite so you can have the option of enjoying the indoor and outdoor pools, the sauna, the hot tub, and a full course meal if the going gets slow. Even Cariocas aren’t made of steel!
Don’t worry about stopping at a pharmacy before heading for the motel. Brazil’s Lei da Camisinha (Little Shirt Law) makes it mandatory for all motels to distribute the necessary protection at the motel’s reception gate.
Privacy isn’t a problem either. Closed garages hide your license plate and hidden side entrances guarantee uninterrupted service. No need to rush off to Barra (where you’ll find the largest concentration of motels in the Zona Sul) if you should get the urge while at the office during lunchtime. Centro (downtown) offers a vertical motel where, in lieu of garages, your privacy is assured by the masks which are issued when registering in order to avoid those embarrassing and untimely encounters.
Saving good night: When it comes time to say good night, remember that Cariocas love to be romantic. It isn’t by chance that Vinicius de Moraes and Tom Jobim are Cariocas. So if while on your date you hear bells and your heart skips a beat, don’t be shy. Call her gatinha, tell her that she is the most gorgeous creature this side of heaven, and then set up that all important next date before kissing her good night. If your date turns out to be a baranga, tell her that she is the most gorgeous creature this side of heaven, and then kiss her good night saying:
«Te ligo. A gente se vê.» [tchee ’lee goo ah ’gen tche see ’veh]: «I’ll call you. See you around.»
A real Carioca NEVER passes up a challenge to seduce.
Staying in: If it’s the end of the month and the Carioca is feeling the pinch on his wallet, staying in and watching the tube with his date is always an option. But if you plan to stay in like a Carioca, it is essential you get informed by tuning into the eight o’clock news before putting that movie into the DVD player. The daily news topics will include:
• the CPI [ceh peh ’ее] (government corruption scandal) of the day
• the price increases of the day
• the new coach for the national soccer team
• the current Formula One news
• the leader of the current soccer championship, and
• the weather, which will be sunny and clear to partially cloudy; subject to rain (but maybe not).
Don’t put in that DVD yet! Following the news comes the backbone of national television, the novela das oito. The stars of these prime time soap operas are national idols, and a true Carioca will go to great lengths not to miss a single episode. Imagine a soap opera starring Brad Pitt and Madonna, and you might get the picture.
Consequently, every night of the week between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m., with the exception of Sundays, a real Carioca will never:
• schedule a date
• make a phone call
• eat dinner
• entertain
• go to the local store for milk
• stop off at the gas station
• drop in on someone
• feed the family pet
Note: The only exception to this rule is when the hour-long show, affectionately referred to as Quem Rouba Mais (Who Steals More), is aired simultaneously on every television station directly following the eight o’clock news. For months prior to elections, this enlightening program is generously sponsored by the various national political parties: namely the PCB, PC do B, PDT, PFL, PHS, PL, PMDB, PRTB, PSB, PSC, PSDB, PSDC, PSL, PT, PT do B, PTB, PTN, PV, etc.
NOW is the time for that DVD. And remember, before saying good night to your date, be sure to make the appropriate body contact with ALL of her relatives who have been sitting in front the tube with you.
Lesson 17
The Carioca Child
Being a Carioca is a state of mind that knows no age boundaries. Therefore, if you are a parent, it is important that your offspring follow in your footsteps down the road to becoming a true Carioca.
Essential phrases
The following phrases are the heart of the Carioca child’s vocabulary, all of which may be directed at the nursemaid, maid, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, or any other able being who happens to be in the vicinity.
As a matter of fact, some Carioca children will even continue to successfully use these phrases well into adulthood:
«Eu quero» [ayoo ’keeeeeeeeeeeeeh rroo]: «I want.» (As in «Eu quero um sorvete.»: «I want an ice cream.»)
«Me da» [meeeeeee ’daaaaaaaaaahh]: «Give me.»
«Num quero» [noom ’keeeeeeeh rroo]: «I don’t want.» (As in «Num quero legumes.»: «I don’t want any vegetables.»)
«Num fui eu» [noom foy ’ayoo]: «It wasn’t me.»
For maximum effectiveness when using any one of these phrases, your Carioca child should:
• repeat it at least five times,
• shout it in the loudest voice possible,
• never interrupt whatever it is he or she is doing when using it, and
• direct the phrase to everyone and anyone (preferably family members and maids).
What to feed your carioca child
Since Carioca children are NOT very fond of variety when it comes to food, they are very easy to feed. To avoid any problems, though, while at home or at a restaurant, only nourish your Carioca child with the following: