Although waiting in line is a national pastime, the Carioca considers it a happening and affectionately refers to line waiting as a programa de indio — meaning what Indians do for entertainment. Seeing a line forming anywhere, the Carioca will figure there must be something interesting at the end of it and will simply take his place in line. In fact, recent studies have shown that Cariocas spend more than thirty percent of their time patiently waiting in lines. Really…
In the event you find yourself face to face with a Carioca line, do as the Carioca does. Resort to any one of the following common jeitinhos, and it won’t be that bad after alclass="underline"
Send your office boy to wait for you;
Pay a moleque de rua (street urchin) to wait for you;
Find someone you know near the front of the line to get for you whatever it is everyone is waiting for;
Tip someone near the front of the line to get for you whatever it is everyone is waiting for;
Cut in line and ignore the protests (can be very dangerous);
Get in line, then ask the person in front of you to save your place. Go for a few chopps or cafezinhos at the boteco, and then return to your place in line.
The beauty of the Carioca is his ability to make the best of any situation, and line waiting is one of them. Finding himself in front of a forty to fifty minute line, the Carioca’s first reaction might be to mutter, «Tôfu» [toh ’foo] («I’m screwed»). But once in line he’ll have a grand time making new friends and comparing opinions on current events or the latest episode of the novela das oito with those sharing the same line.
Wait in a few of the following Carioca favorite lines, and soon you, too, will be feeling like a real Carioca:
• Bank line between the fifth and the tenth of each month
• Cash register lines at any Barra supermarket on Saturdays
• Carnival parade ticket line
• Rest room line at the Carnival parade
• Visa line at the American Consulate
• Movie line on opening day of a major feature
• Movie line on the following week for the same movie
• Badalada restaurant line on a Saturday night
• Badalada night club line on a Saturday night
• Post office line at any time of the day
• Motel car lines on a Friday night
• Duty Free Shop line at Tom Jobim International airport
• Immigration line at Tom Jobim International airport
• Customs line at Tom Jobim International airport
• Taxi line at Santos Dumont airport at seven p.m.
• Maracanã Stadium ticket line for a final championship game
• Beverage bar line at half time during a Fla-Flu game at Maracanã Stadium
• Gas station car lines right before any fuel price increase
• Bus line at the downtown garage building at six p.m.
• Garage parking line at the São Conrado Fashion Mall on Saturday nights
• Casa lotérica line when the Mega-Sena has accumulated
• Emergency line at any of the local municipal hospitals
• Line to vote on election day
• Line to receive INSS (social security) compensations
Lesson 20
A Day at Maracanã
Every Carioca has a favorite futebol [foo tchee ’bol] (soccer) team. If you are a real Carioca, your team will be either Flamengo, Vasco, Botafogo, or Fluminense, and depending which one you choose, you will eternally be referred to as a Flamenguista, Vascaino, Botafoguense, or Tricolor [trree coh ’loh]. You will cherish your team second only to your mother and be more faithful to your team than to your own spouse. Consequently, once you have chosen your team you will despise the other three for as long as you live. If a team other than yours is playing a team from São Paulo, for example, in the finals of a national championship, you will simply ignore the entire event. Under all circumstances, a Carioca will only acknowledge the existence of his own team.
A real Carioca, come flood or famine, will never miss seeing his team play at Maracanã. Although it was a team from São Paulo who, by some fluke, won the inaugural game in 1950, the first goal was scored by a Carioca, thus confirming Cariocan supremacy on the field.
Going to Maracanã
Before leaving for the stadium, meet your galera de futebol (your soccer fan buddies) at a boteco for a few choppiuhos. Be sure that everyone is wearing a team shirt, and don’t forget your radinho [ha ’gee nyoo] (the cheapest radio available) and some sort of drum substitute, if not the real thing.
Whether taking the bus or driving (take the car least likely to be stolen), be sure to intimidate any rival fans along the way by waving flags, shirts, or banners out the window while chanting your team’s name. If you are a Flamenguista, for example, chant:
«Meeeeeeen-gooooooo, Meeeeeeen-gooooooo» [Maaaaaayn-goooooow, Maaaaaaavn-goooooow]
Make your way through the traffic and the crowds to the stadium. If you boast of a stomach lined with lead, stop at one of the «foot-long hot dog» stands before entering the stadium gate. And don’t forget the onion and tomato sauce!
Once inside the stadium, a real Carioca futebol fan will only sit in the arquibancada (bleachers) where chaos is at its maximum. Having located a place to sit and are settled, be sure to behave in the following fashion (a real Carioca futebol fan would):
Start a batucada by banging on your drums or on the seats surrounding your seat;
Drink chopps from the mobile vendors;
Demoralize the referee’s mother and the rest of his family;
Bounce your smashed chopp paper cup, as hard as you can, off the head of the person seated in front of you, then pretend it came from the seats behind yours;
Continuously chant your team’s name.
Obs.: Beware of cups filled with bodily fluids projected from the seats directly above yours.
Acceptable conduct during the game: If your team should score a goal, work yourself into a frenzy by jumping and screaming, and then hug the stranger jumping up and down next to you. Maintain this euphoria for a minimum of five minutes. Then continue to give your team incentive throughout the game by conducting yourself in the rowdiest manner possible.
In the unfortunate event the opposing team should score a goal against your team, your entire section of the arquibancada will fall into five minutes of stunned silence. At this point, resist the temptation to abandon the game. Simply lean over to the person seated closest to you and place the blame for your team’s poor performance on the following:
• the current political crisis,
• the trading of Brazil’s best players to European teams,
• the bicheiros, and, of course
• the coach. And be sure to let the coach know what you think of him by chanting:
«viado viado viado» [vee ’yah doo vee ’yah doo vee ’yah doo]