It goes without being said that he should be fired on the spot, and then be sent to São Paulo as a trainer for one of the Paulista teams.
2x0 [doysh ah ’zeh rroo]: In the event your team is clearly headed for disaster, take off your shirt, slip out the side door quietly in order to avoid the traffic, and take an alternative route to the nearest boteco for a few chopps. There is nothing more humiliating for a defeated Carioca futebol fan than to be jeered and mocked in Maracanã traffic by the triumphant fans of the winning team.
If your team is victorious, wrap yourself up in your flag, take advantage of every opportunity to jeer and mock the defeated fans, and head straight to the nearest boteco for a few chopps.
Lesson 21
Holidays and the Four-Day Weekend
Granted, there are a lot of national holidays in Brazil with all the saints to honor and what not. In an effort not to short change Brazilians when it comes to their holidays, the federal government has passed many laws over the years declaring when national holidays should be celebrated. To give you an idea, the following law (verbatim) was decreed a few years back establishing the correct manner in which to observe official holidays:
…Holidays will be observed on the previous Monday when they fall on the other days of the week. This also applies to holidays falling on Saturdays or Sundays. If the holiday occurs on Election Day, it will not be anticipated for another day. In case there is more than one holiday in the same week, the latter will be observed on Monday of the following week. If by any chance there is already a holiday in the following week, it will be observed on Monday, while the previous holiday will be celebrated on Tuesday.
But, like many laws, they are short lived, and so was this one. Regardless, Cariocas love holidays and take them very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that they feel obliged to extend them to the maximum, even when it infringes on the work week. After all, even the Carioca is entitled to determine his own personal priorities. The following are a few of the parameters established by true Cariocas when planning for a feriadão [feh rree yah ’down] (long weekend):
If a holiday falls on a Tuesday or a Thursday, it is automatically a four-day weekend: if it’s a Thursday, it will begin at noon on the previous Wednesday, and if it’s a Tuesday, it will end at noon on the following Wednesday (to accommodate for traffic problems).
If a holiday falls on a Wednesday, you are looking at a five-day weekend, with the potential for a nine-day weekend.
The end of the year holiday — beginning on Christmas Eve at noon — will last until the Monday following Easter. (Nothing really happens at the office between Christmas and Easter, and with the New Year’s, Rio’s patron saint São Sebastiao’s birthday, and Carnival holidays in between, why even make the effort to go to work?)
With schools closed and the children making their trips to Disney World, taking July off is completely acceptable.
Rationalizing that by showing up for work on one hundred and fifty-three days out of a possible three hundred and three he is clearly doing more than his share for the country’s economy, the true Carioca considers this to be a perfectly reasonable schedule.
Note: Every four years, when Brazil plays in the World Cup Soccer Tournament, the number of required work days is directly reduced in proportion to the team’s performance.
Lesson 22
No Sun? No Sweat!
Although the Carioca would rather not admit it, the sun doesn’t always shine in the Cidade Maravilhosa. If you should find yourself in Rio on one of those rare rainy days,don’t despair. The following are a just a few of the many activities that Cariocas will indulge in to pass the time until the sun breaks through, and they can get back to the beach:
• Spend four hours at their favorite boteco drinking caipirinhas and eating a feijoada.
• Spend four hours at their favorite churrascaria drinking chopps and eating a rodízio.
• Meet the galera at the botequim for a few chopps while discussing the weather.
• Go to the movies. (See Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines.»)
Lesson 23
Your Carioca IQ
Are you wondering how far you’ve traveled down the road to becoming a true Carioca? Fique numa boa! (Stay cool!) Take the following true or false quiz and test your Cariocaness:
T or F 1. Traffic in Rio flows like a dream.
T or F 2. Maracanã is a pasta dish.
T or F 3. The statue of Christ is on Sugar Loaf Mountain.
T or F 4. Cariocas never stay at the beach after five p.m.
T or F 5. Cariocas always park their cars right in front of where they’re planning to go.
T or F 6. A Carioca policeman is always polite and helpful.
T or F 7. When riding on a city bus you should always hang on for dear life.
T or F 8. If you’re not a local, expect a rip-off when taking a taxi.
T or F 9. Drivers in Rio are very respectful of the law and other drivers on the road.
T or F 10. There is always a place to park your car in Rio.
T or F 11. Your car is safe when there is a flanelinha around.
T or F 12. Someone will be leaning or sitting on your car when you return to it.
T or F 13. Your car may not be there when you return.
T or F 14. Cariocas only drink three beers.
T or F 15. Bathing suits in Rio are meant for swimming.
T or F 16. The beach is closed at night.
T or F 17. Batucada rhythms are made by drum playing only.
T or F 18. Cariocas love people from Sao Paulo.
T or F 19. A true Carioca will return home by two a.m.
T or F 20. If you’re under eighteen, drinking at bars will be very difficult.
T or F 21. Motels in Rio are meant for tired travelers.
T or F 22. Policemen in Rio are always on the up-and-up.
T or F 23. Politicians in Brazil are always on the up-and-up.
T or F 24. Soccer is a Carioca sport.
T or F 25. Surfing is a Carioca sport.
T or F 26. Hang gliding is a Carioca sport.
T or F 27. Scheming is a Carioca sport.
T or F 28. Appreciating women’s bundas is a Carioca sport.
T or F 29. A true Carioca does not need a tan.
T or F 30. The drivers triple parked in the drawing below will receive multas, and their cars will be towed away.
Answers to the Carioca IQ quiz
1. F. Nightmare is more like it.
2. F. Maybe after the fourth caipirinha.
3. F. You must have flunked geography if you missed this one.
4. F. Maybe, if it’s raining.