So it is better to reconcile yourself to the sorrowful reality. There are some noble English people who might forgive you. There are some magnanimous should who realise that it is not your fault, only your misfortune. They will treat you with condescension, understanding and sympathy. They will invite you into their homes. Just as they keep lap-dogs and other pets, they are quite prepared to keep a few foreigners.
The title of this book, “How to be an Alien”, consequently expresses more than it should. How to be an alien? One should not be an alien at all. There are certain rules, however, which have to be followed if you want to make yourself as acceptable and civilised as you possibly can.
Study these rules, and imitate the English. There can be only one result: if you don't succeed in imitating them you become ridiculous; if you do, you become even more ridiculous.
G.M.
1. How To Be a General Alien
A Warning To Beginners
In England 1, everything is the other way round.
On Sundays on the Continent even the poorest person puts on his best suit, tries to look respectable, and at the same time the life of the country becomes gay and cheerful; in England even the richest peer or motor-manufacturer dresses in some peculiar rags, does not shave, and the country becomes dull and dreary. On the Continent there is one topic which should be avoided — the weather; in England, if you do not repeat the phrase “Lovely day, isn't it?” at least two hundred times a day, you are considered a bit dull. On the Continent Sunday papers appear on Monday; in England — a country of exotic oddities — they appear on Sunday. On the Continent people use a fork as though a fork were a shovel; in England they turn it upside down and push everything — including peas — on top of it.
On a continental bus approaching a request-stop the conductor rings the bell if he wants the bus to go on without stopping; in England you ring the bell if you want the bus to stop. On the Continent stray cats are judged individually on their merit — some are loved, some are only respected; in England they are universally worshipped as in ancient Egypt. On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.
On the Continent public orators try to learn to speak fluently and smoothly; in England they take a special course in Oxonian stuttering. On the Continent learned persons love to quote Aristotle, Horace, Montaigne and show off their knowledge; in England only uneducated people show off their knowledge, nobody quotes Latin and Greek authors in the course of a conversation, unless he has never read them.
On the Continent almost every nation whether little or great has openly declared at one time or another that it is superior to all other nations; the English fight heroic wars to combat these dangerous ideas without ever mentioning which is really the most superior race in the world. Continental people are sensitive and touchy; the English take everything with an exquisite sense of humour — they are only offended if you tell them they have no sense of humour. On the Continent the population consists of a small percentage of criminals, a small percentage of honest people and the rest are a vague transition between the two; in England you find a small percentage of criminals and the rest are honest people. On the other hand, people on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.
Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.
Introduction
This is a chapter on how to introduce people to one another.
The aim of introduction is to conceal a person's identity. It is very important that you should not pronounce anybody's name in a way that the other party may be able to catch it. Generally speaking, your pronunciation is a sound guarantee for that. On the other hand, if you are introduced to someone there are two important rules to follow.
1. If he stretches out his hand in order to shake yours, you must not accept it. Smile vaguely, and as soon as he gives up hope of shaking you by the hand, you stretch out yours and try to catch his in vain. This game is repeated until the greater part of the afternoon or evening has elapsed. It is extremely likely that this will be the most amusing part of the afternoon or evening, anyway.
2. Once the introduction has been made you have to inquire after the health of your new acquaintance.
Try the thing in your own language. Introduce the persons, let us say, in French and murmur their names. Should they shake hands and ask:
“Comment allez-vous?”
“Comment allez-vous?” — it will be a capital joke, remembered till their last days.
Do not forget, however, that your new friend who makes this touchingly kind enquiry after your state of health does not care in the least whether you are well and kicking or dying of delirium tremens. A dialogue like this:
He: “How d'you do?”
You: “General state of health fairly satisfactory. Slight insomnia and a rather bad corn on left foot. Blood pressure low, digestion slow but normal.”
- well, such a dialogue would be unforgivable.
In the next phase, you must not say “Pleased to meet you.” This is one of the very few lies you must never utter because, for some unknown reason, it is considered vulgar. You must not say “Pleased to meet you,” even if your are definitely disgusted with the man.
A few general remarks:
(a) Do not click your heels, do not bow, leave off gymnastic and choreographic exercises altogether for the moment.
(b) Do not call foreign lawyers, teachers, dentists, commercial travellers and estate agents “Doctor.” Everyone knows that the little word “doctor” only means they are Central Europeans. This is painful enough in itself, you do not need to remind people of it all the time.
The Weather
This is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: “He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.” In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good as discussing the weather.
| Examples for conversation | |
|---|---|
| For Good Weather | For Bad Weather |
| “Lovely day, isn't it?” | “Nasty day, isn't it?” |
| “Isn't it beautiful?” | “Isn't it dreadful?” |
| “The sun ...” | “The rain ... I hate the rain ...” |
| “Isn't it gorgeous?” | “I don't like it at all. Do you?” |
| “Wonderful, isn't it?” | “Fancy such a day in July. Rain in the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain all day long.” |
| “It's so nice and hot ...” | “I remember exactly the same July day in 1936.” |
| “Personally, I think it's so nice when it's hot — isn't it?” | “Yes, I remember too.” |
| “I adore it — don't you?” | “Or was it in 1928?” |
| “Yes, it was.” | |
| “Or in 1939?” | |
| “Yes, that's right.” | |
Now observe the last few sentences of this conversation. A very important rule emerges from it. You must never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from the sides of the road, and should someone remark to you: “Nice day, isn't it?” — answer without hesitation: “Isn't it lovely?”
1. When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles — but never England.