“Nothing,” he says.
“Nothing,” I say.
We glare at each other.
Bec studies us, shaking her head. She’s changed: cutoffs and a red soccer shirt. She sits down on the bottom step and crosses her legs sloooowly, like she’s teaching a preschool class how it’s done.
“In case you’re interested,” she says, “I know what that Hell Bells thing is.”
The fight blips out of my head. We scramble over, attack her with what and how.
“Dave and I did some research after dinner. He was really sweet and concerned, Brandon, so I think you can cross him off the America’s Most Wanted list.” She takes out her phone, starts navigating. “Membership’s closed right now. I had to write to this hey_mamacita woman to join. I convinced her I had inside information on you. My icon’s your senior picture, Brandon; do you think that’s too on the nose?”
“Bec,” I say.
“Yes, Brandon.”
“Tell us.”
Her eyes flick across the little screen. “What would you like to know?”
“Are they just hating?” says Abel. “Or are they like, actively plotting?”
“Neither, you idiots.”
She holds the phone out to face us. I see the Gothic header first—THE CHURCH OF ABANDON—and then a tagline that says “Because love is like the Hell Bells: it comes when you least expect it.” Between the header and tagline is a doctored screencap from one of our first vlog posts. Abel’s hand is on my shoulder and we’re gazing at each other, halos bursting saintlike from our heads and a blue heart blinking between us.
“They’re shipping you.”
Chapter Twelve
Bec pours us some tea and leaves us alone. We sit at the Sunseeker table with Abel’s laptop, twin plumes of steam curling from our Grand Canyon mugs.
There are seventeen members. Sixty-five fics. Dissections of every single one of our vlog posts, starting with the very first one when I joked about the sandstorm CGI in Episode 4-05 and Abel “lovingly” punched my shoulder.
The most recent post is by a_rose_knows. She has a photo of herself as her icon. We recognize her right away from the coffee shop. The tinfoil Xaarg hat, the pink-rimmed glasses.
“A freaking spy,” Abel breathes. “Good. Lord.”
The post says:
*Ahem.* Fellow Abandon Shippers:
HELL BELLS IN ATLANTA.
SPOTTED ~AND~ DOCUMENTED IN COFFEEHOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ear-flicking. Whispering. Sharing of snickerdoodles.
FULL-ON LIP-TO-EAR CONTACT.
[clicky here for photographic evidence!!]
“I might actually die,” says Abel.
“Click it,” I tell him.
The photos under the cut aren’t the posed ones Annie took. They must’ve snapped these from across the room with some kind of evil zoom lens that incriminates the innocent. In photo #1 Abel’s talking to me with his arm draped across the sofa back, leaning closer than I remember. In #2 he’s passing me the snickerdoodle half, and our fingers are brushing each other slightly. Then there’s #3, where—what?—I’m making a weird cupping gesture with both my hands. The last one contains the most damning piece of evidence: Abel’s leaning in and murmuring to me, probably about Kade or the stupid cave scene, and the angle makes it look like his lips are on my ear. Like, nibbling it or something. To underscore the significance of this imaginary gesture, a_rose_knows has blown up that part of the picture and circled my pixelated ear in red. This has made all the other usernames dementedly happy.
doomerang:
omg you guys. I CAN’T EVEN.
amity crashfuclass="underline"
rosey you are a heroic stalker, please have my babies
retro robot:
They are flawless. That is all.
sadparadise:
MY BRAIN JUST LEGIT EXPLODED
whispering!sage:
snickerdoodles. the official cookie of us.
thanks4caring:
lol @ brandon’s “cupping hands.” like, “abel baby, back yo ass up into these”
sadparadise:
can you blame him? DAT ASS.
lone detective:
Question: Is Brandon, in fact, wearing Abel’s shirt?
a_rose_knows:
Yes, it looks that way, but I can’t confirm 100%. all I can say is, the convo they were having? INTENSE. You could tell.
doomerang:
Rosey what were they doing when they left??
a_rose_knows:
They looked close. I mean, Abel held the door for him and kind of put his hand on his back a little. Abel totally smells like cinnamon. Also? Brandon at one point said “we’re just friends—RIGHT NOW.”
sadparadise:
OMG “RIGHT NOW.”
retro robot:
right now right now right now right nowwwwww <3
thanks4caring:
mamacita? where is our fearless leader??
hey_mamacita:
JESUS HORATIO CHRIST ON A MOTORBIKE WITH A DIME-STORE UKULELE AND A RASPBERRY BERET, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS UNBEARABLE WONDERFUL MADNESS???? ugh, rosey, you are queen of everything. miraculous pics of our boys; they look so effing precious I could eat them both like tiny perfect gingerbread men. BRB, writing fic all night! CURSE YOU.
“Click off.” My mouth is dry. “I can’t—”
“Let’s read the manifesto.”
Abel’s face is pink. I’ve never seen him blush. Through the fingers over his face, I think he might be smiling a little.
“What manifesto?”
“There was a link on the main page—here. Oh. God.”
There’s a manip. Of course there is. I’ve seen them all over the Cadsim fanjournal—horrible fakes of Cadmus and Sim kissing, holding hands, cradling adopted alien babies. This one is like, intergalactically worse. They’ve shopped my head onto Sim’s body and Abel’s head onto Cadmus’s, smushed our hands together, and stuck us on top of a wedding cake. ABANDON is scrawled on the side in blue icing.
“The hell is ‘abandon’?” I say.
Abel smirks. “Our portmanteau.”
I lay my head on the desk.
“Better than ‘Brabel,’ no?”
“Don’t talk to me.”
“It’s just getting good, though.”
THE MANIFESTO OF ABANDON
by hey_mamacita
“True Love is kinda like Xaarg’s Hell Bells—it comes when you least expect it, and it torments you until you give in!”—Abel McNaughton, from recap of Castaway Planet, Episode 4-16
once upon a time there were two boys with a vlog. the cute short one loved an android, and the cute tall one loved a space captain. the boys also loved each other in a completely repressed and thoroughly maddening kind of way, but instead of admitting it and having lots of blazing hot toe-curling bonobo monkey sex, they spent all their time bitching about Cadsim shippers and how the android and the space captain should never ever get together, like, JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ON A UNICYCLE WITH X-RAY SPEX AND SARAN WRAP, could you boys be any more transparent??
anyway. the logical outcome of this delicious little story should be abundantly obvious to anyone with an internet connection and a basic knowledge of how romantic comedies work, but until abel smartens up and brandon gets over his tragic religious paranoia as detailed in his sister natalie’s awesome but defunct blog (screencaps here !), we at the abandon community are fully committed to—*ahem!*—lubing things up. we send good vibes. we catalog Hell Bells (i.e., indicators of true love). we conduct official events such as our BellFic Challenge (BFC), where NC-17 plots thicken biweekly. and we firmly believe that when the scales fall from their eyes and all obstacles are removed, these boys will GET MARRIED IN SOME WINDSWEPT MOUNTAINTOP PARADISE and roses and unicorns will spontaneously generate and glitter will rain from the clouds and God herself will smile a giant rainbow across the heavens and say “ohh, yeah, baby. It. Is. GOOD.”