They turn down a narrow hallway, a dim passage with a red EXIT sign flickering at the end. I hurry past the opening, all innocent-passer-by, and then back up and duck behind the vending machine at the hall’s entryway.
“He says wait here,” says the nun, in a deep raspy whisper I didn’t expect. “He’s pulling the car around—What’s that face for?”
“You look ridiculous.”
“Effective, though. No one looks a nun in the eye. We’ll return the costume on the way to lunch.”
“Oh, geez, Lenny.”
Every hair on my arms lifts straight up. Now I know where I’ve seen Pantsuit Woman—decorating his arm at the Emmys, shuffling shyly in a mermaid-tail gown, the forums snarking Bray likes ‘em young.
I crouch down and sneak a quick peek.
“This is really pathetic,” his wife is saying.
“Well, I’m sorry, Elizabeth. Some days I can. Some days I cannot. This happens to be a cannot day.”
“At least be honest with them.”
“I was! Illness. It’s a useful word. Crippling anxiety slots neatly therein.”
She sighs. “Crippling? C’mon, that’s a little—”
“I am deep in disguise, skulking past angry throngs of fans. Would I do this unless I had to?—Yes, hello?…Uh-huh, fantastic. And it’s a curtained alcove? Marvelous. We’re on our way.” His phone snaps shut. “Reservations at Cereza. That should cheer you up. Private room, little plates, no one to bother us.”
“You break people’s hearts.”
“Darling, please. They just want to ogle me like a zoo animal. The only one who truly wants to see my ugly mug is you.”
“Not true. You’re the Genius Creator.”
“Oh, tell me more.”
Do it now. Talk to him. I risk another peek; Bray’s yanking off the nun costume, hopping on one foot with a hand on his wife for balance, and he looks so human and approachable with his bald spot showing and his underwear peeking from the waistband of his cords that…
A sneeze sizzles up my nose and roars out of me.
“Who’s there?” Bray’s voice: sharp and mean, a trace of fear. I clap a hand to my mouth.
“Hello?” says Elizabeth.
“Show yourself!” I get a fanboy chill. He’s doing Xaarg. I remember how he joked in that interview once, how writing the voice of God was “frighteningly easy” for him. “It’s impolite to hover!”
I could run. There’s a staircase three doors down; I could lose the voice of God in a heartbeat if I tried.
I close my eyes. Breathe in, breathe out.
I step into the dim hallway light.
Bray squints.
“My glasses,” he whispers. Elizabeth digs in her little black purse, passes them over. He slides on a thick pair of tortoiseshell frames and sizes me up.
“What hath the heavens discharged?” He blinks theatrically. “One rumpled fool in an ill-fitting shirt.”
I clear my throat. “Mr. Bray, I—”
“Oh. God. Why? Why why why do you have to know who I am?”
“Foolproof costume,” Elizabeth eyerolls.
“No—” I take a step closer. He’s short in person; we stand eye to eye. “No, see, I’m a fan—”
“Of course you are. Of course. You took pictures with one of those miniscule stalker-cameras, no? By day’s end your Internet boards will be aflame with scandal! Leonard Bray Ditches Q&A! Secret Nun Fetish Photos Inside!”
“No, I won’t say anything. I promise.”
“Uh-huh. What a Boy Scout. I suppose you followed me to buy me pork rinds?” He gestures toward the snack machine.
“No…” I try a smile. “Do you want some?”
“Stupendous. He’s a comedian, too.” Lenny Bray goes off on a muttering rant, addressing the Ho-Hos in the C4 slot. I try to absorb it: the supreme creator of Sim and Cadmus, the guiding force behind everything Castaway Planet, the entire reason I went to bed smiling last year, is standing right in front of me and knocking his head against a vending machine.
“You’ll have to excuse him,” says Elizabeth. “He has…some problems.”
I watch in awe. “It’s okay. I do too.”
“Why don’t you join us for lunch?”
“What?” Bray stops the head-knocking and glares fire at her.
“Sure. We treat you to a once-in-a-lifetime afternoon with the creator of Castaway Planet, and you won’t spread any rumors about today. Right?”
What else would I say? “Absolutely.”
“Lenny?”
“Fine.” He slumps against the machine and knots his arms. “He’s not sitting next to me on the drive over.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Leonard Bartholomew Bray,” Elizabeth scolds. “Will you lean in a little? He won’t bite you!”
In the white curtained alcove of some fancy small-plate restaurant, Lenny Bray is protesting a photo op. Elizabeth frowns behind my phone, waving us closer together. Her pink nails are perfectly rounded and she’s got a giant honker of a diamond ring on her left hand.
“He’s going to post this,” Bray whines. “I know it.”
“Well, he said he wouldn’t, and I believe him. He deserves a souvenir.”
“And I deserved a day of rest. Genesis says so.”
Lunch is not going exactly as planned.
I want to ask Bray a thousand questions about Sim and Cadmus and the rumors about next season and of course the cave scene, but so far opening my mouth in his presence hasn’t yielded very positive results. It’s like a nasty version of comedy-club improv; I toss out a random comment, he builds a complaint around it. By the time the shark fritters and goat cheese ravioli arrive, I kind of have to face it: in addition to being smart and witty and talented and even kind of cute in a pop-eyed, older-guy, sweater-vesty way, Leonard Bray is pretty much a giant jerkoff.
Once Elizabeth snaps the photo, he starts yammering again: “Oh, and another thing about the Loyola English department!” I made the mistake of telling him I’d be a freshman at his alma mater this year. “If Antonia Humphrey is still moldering in her corner office, don’t ever take her class on The Epic. That miserable twat. I spent three days on an essay comparing Odysseus and Travis Bickle and she called it forced and indulgent and gave me a C minus. Meanwhile the rest of the class is stuck in preschool, decoding symbolism like good little sheep—”
“Lenny,” says Elizabeth.
“What?”
“Maybe he’d like to ask you some questions about the show.”
“Well, he can’t. I can’t say anything.”
“Not spoilers. Just tidbits he might be interested in.”
“Oh. Fine, fine.” He sighs. “All right, Brendan. Can I interest you in any tidbits?”
“Sure.” I fiddle with my chicken kabob. “Actually, I did have a question.”
“I shall do my best.”
“It’s about Cadmus and Sim.”
“Oh goody.”
“So, I…” I gulp some water. “There’s a lot of ah, fanfiction about that one scene in the crystal spider cave—”
“Terrible episode. I regret it. Derailed the whole season’s momentum.”
“I sort of agree, but…” I’m blushing already; there’s no chance he’ll take this well. “After they say that line about how the cave could swallow up your secrets and it kind of faded out? Did they, um…do anything?”
“What do you mean?”
He blinks at me. I want to vanish.
“Anything romantic,” Elizabeth smiles.
“Did they fuck?” says Lenny Bray. “Is that the question?”
“Uh. Yeah.”
“Jesus. How would I know?”
My mouth opens. Nothing comes out.
“Seriously, why even ask me that?”
“Well…ah, it’s your show, and—”
“I will never, ever, for as long as I live, understand you people. Every goddamned Q&A it happens! Mr. Bray, what does this line mean? Mr. Bray, is Castaway Planet the afterlife? Can Sim fall in love? Is Xaarg good or evil?” He stuffs two ravioli in his mouth. “Apparently an alarming percentage of you traipse through life without a single independent thought. I thought my fans were supposed to be smart!”