“Absolutely not.”
“Okay, look, here's the deal,” said Randall. “I need one of your toenails to give to the witch Grysh! If I don't get it, Princess Janice will stay dead forever! This is vital!”
Jenstina folded his arms. “No.”
“Please! You don't understand how important this is!”
“Yes, I do. I just don't care all that much.” The ogre thought for a moment. “I guess we'll just have to find a toenail that I haven't had time to grow attached to yet.”
“Great! Which one?”
Jenstina held up a pair of pliers. “Yours.”
Randall went pale. “I beg your pardon?”
“It's simple. You give me one of your toenails. It becomes mine. I give it back to you. You then own a toenail from Jenstina the Ogre.”
“Look, man, you've got toenails everywhere! Why can't you just give me one of them!”
“I don't want to.” Jenstina snapped the jaws of the pliers shut. “This is your only chance.”
“I've went through a lot of pain these past couple days,” said Randall. “But this ... this is just too much. I'm begging you! Don't force me to give up my toenail!”
Yvonne stepped forward. “I love Randall with all of my heart. If I have to make a sacrifice for him, then I will.” She kicked off her shoe, and held her foot up to Jenstina. “Take mine.”
“Yvonne, you don't have to do this!”
“Yes, I do. I have to do it for us.” She looked at the ogre. “You use anesthesia, right?”
Jenstina shook his head.
“Oh ... well ... do it anyway. I will suffer the pain!”
Jenstina lowered the pliers and clamped the jaws shut upon the toenail of Yvonne's big toe. She squeezed her eyes shut. Randall took her hand and held it tight.
“Sacrifice...” she whispered.
“We'll be together always,” Randall told her. “Always.”
“Always...” Yvonne whispered.
“I love you so very much,” Randall said.
“Love...” Yvonne whispered.
“It'll grow back, for crying out loud,” said Jenstina.
“Do it!” said Yvonne. “Do it now! Do it while I can feel the love pouring through my being! Do it while the strength of a thousand martyrs flows through my veins, giving me the power to make this eternal sacrifice in the name of Love!”
Jenstina's grip on the pliers tightened.
“The time has come,” he said.
“The time is now,” Yvonne whispered.
The room seemed to darken. Randall felt an aching in his very soul that he thought might never vanish.
And then....
With all his might....
Or at least most of his might....
Jenstina....
The ogre....
Yanked!
“OW!” screamed Yvonne. “Damn that hurt! Son of a bitch!” She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. “Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin’ crap! Dang!”
“Are you okay, my love?” Randall asked.
“Hell no I'm not okay! That jerk pulled out my friggin’ toenail! Ouch! Jeez, it stings like a bastard!”
“Here you go,” said the ogre, handing the toenail to Randall. “It's a fine specimen. I don't suppose she'd let me have one for my collection?”
“Ow! Farkin’ jeepers!”
“No,” said Randall, “I wouldn't think so.”
POOF!
Suddenly they were back in the lair of the Dark One.
“Excellent! You got it! That leaves only Shreddriff the Berserker.” The Dark One considered that. “Do you think he'll misbehave? Should I have some guards ready to subdue him?”
“Might be a good idea,” said Randall. “You never can tell with these berserkers.”
“Very well, it shall be done. Now, off with you!”
POOF!
Suddenly they were on a small island out in the middle of the ocean. Across from them, maybe fifteen feet away, was another small island, containing a palm tree and little else. A man with long, wild hair and filthy rags for clothing stood upon the island, frantically scribbling something on a piece of bark. He rolled up the bark, shoved it into a bottle, then heaved the bottle as far as he could into the ocean. It promptly sank.
“Wooga wooga!” shouted the berserker in frustration. He fell to his knees and began digging.
“That would be our berserker,” said Randall.
Shreddriff dug up another bottle, tore a strip of bark from the palm tree, and began writing on it again. Once again he shoved it into the bottle and threw it into the ocean. Once again it sank. “Wooga wooga!”
“Pardon us for interrupting!” Randall called out. “But if you closed up the bottle, it wouldn't sink.”
The berserker looked over at Randall and immediately went nutzo, running around the island screaming incoherent babble. He started biting the tree.
Randall and Yvonne exchanged concerned looks. “So, who wants to swim across and say hi?” asked Yvonne.
Shreddriff bit a huge chunk out of the tree, swallowed, and then began jumping up and down, flapping his arms. “Wooga wooga! Wooga wooga!” After a few moments, he calmed down a bit and began breathing deeply. “Breathe in ... breathe out...ahhhh.”
“Are you okay?” Randall asked.
The berserker screamed at the top of his lungs and began clawing at the air. Finally he dropped onto his back and closed his eyes. “Just relax ... you're on a sunny beach ... no cares in the world...”
“I hate to disturb you,” said Randall. “But we can get you off that island and bring you back to civilization!”
Shreddriff sat up. “Civilization made me like this!”
“Then why were you trying to send messages?”
“To tell those civilized punks I don't need them!” He began screaming and turning cartwheels. Then he ran around the tree a few times, ending with an impressive triple axle.
“We need your help,” said Randall. “If you'll come back with us, I'll see to it that you're returned safely.”
“Fine, no problem,” said the berserker. “But when you swim over here, be careful.”
A great white shark thrust its head out of the water and snapped its mighty jaws shut. Then it swam off, satisfied that it had made its point.
“Your turn to sacrifice,” Yvonne told Randall.
“Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs,” said Randall. “Is there another way over there?”
Shreddriff thought about it. “I guess I could part the waters.”
“I'll go for that,” said Randall.
“Promise not to call me a show-off?”
“I promise.”
“Because the last guy, he called me a show-off.”
“I won't call you a show-off.”
Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.
“Guess it's too deep,” said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. “Wooga wooga!”
“What does wooga wooga mean?” Randall asked.
“I don't know,” said Shreddriff. “I think it's Italian.”
Randall pointed at the palm tree. “If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!”
Shreddriff looked at the tree. “You've gotta be kidding!”
“It was just an idea.”
“I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?”
“I can have somebody help you with it,” promised Randall.
“All right, all right.” Shreddriff gave the tree a good flick with his index finger and it toppled over, landing in the water with a huge splash.