2. Joy in the Stoic sense is fundamentally active rather than passive; it comes from perceiving the virtuous quality of our own deeds, the things we do, whereas bodily pleasures arise from experiences that happen to us, even if they’re a consequence of actions like eating, drinking, or having sex.
Marcus therefore says that it’s not in feelings but in actions that your supreme good resides.10
The wise man’s sense of delight comes from one thing alone: acting consistently in accord with virtue.11 Nevertheless, Marcus does elsewhere mention two additional sources of joy. Together these correspond with the three core relationships that Stoic ethics encompassed: our self, other people, and the world as a whole.
1. Contemplating virtue in yourself. As we’ve just seen, Marcus says that the most important source of both “serenity” and “joy” for a Stoic comes from letting go of attachment to external things and focusing on living wisely, particularly by exercising virtue (justice) in our relations with others.
2. Contemplating virtue in others. Marcus also tells himself that when he wants to gladden his heart, he should meditate on the good qualities of those close to him, such as energy, modesty, or generosity. That’s essentially what he’s doing in book 1 of The Meditations when he lists the virtues of his family members and teachers at length, and it helps to explain the important role of these friendships in his life.
3. Welcoming your fate. Marcus also tells himself that rather than desiring things that are absent, as many do, he should reflect on the pleasant aspects of things he already has before him and contemplate how he would miss them if they were not there.12
The Greek word for joy (chara) is closely related to that for gratitude (charis). Indeed, the Stoics encourage you to appreciate the external things Fortune has given you. Marcus cautions, however, that you must exercise moderation in this regard. You should not fall into the habit of overvaluing external things and becoming overly attached to them. You can check this, he says, by asking yourself whether you would be upset if the things you value were ever taken away. The Stoics wanted to develop a healthy sense of gratitude in life, unspoiled by attachment. So they practiced calmly imagining change and loss, like a river gently flowing past, carrying things away. The wise man loves life and is grateful for the opportunities it gives him, but he accepts that everything changes and nothing lasts forever. Marcus therefore wrote that it is a characteristic of the Stoic Sage “to love and welcome all that happens to him and is spun for him as his fate.”13 People today often feel that this is similar to a famous Latin phrase coined by the nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: amor fati, or love of one’s fate.
The Stoics emphasize gratitude, but they also accept that there’s nothing wrong with taking pleasure in healthy experiences, as long as it’s not carried to excess. As mentioned earlier, they certainly didn’t think that pleasurable experiences were a bad thing. Rather, pleasure, and its sources, is morally “indifferent,” neither good nor bad.
In other words, the Stoics weren’t killjoys. Marcus was convinced he could obtain as much healthy enjoyment from the simple things that befell him in life as pleasure-seekers like his brother did from ravenously indulging their unhealthy desires.14 Socrates had likewise claimed, paradoxically, that those who practice self-control actually obtain more pleasure from things like food and drink than those who indulge in them to excess. Hunger is the best relish, he said, whereas if we overeat we spoil our appetites. Hedonists might accuse Stoics of missing out on life’s pleasures, but Stoics would respond with this paradox: the life of someone like Marcus, who exercises moderation, is surely more pleasant and involves less self-inflicted suffering than the life of someone like Lucius, who lacks self-control and indulges himself far too much.
However, an even deeper paradox lies in the notion that, ultimately, the virtue of self-discipline itself might become a greater source of “pleasure” than food or other external objects of our desire. More accurately, exercising moderation may become a source of personal satisfaction and inner fulfillment that outweighs the ordinary pleasures it seeks to overcome. It’s important to remember, though, that we’re talking about self-discipline that’s exercised wisely, not any sort of self-denial that might actually be foolish or unhealthy. For Stoics the intrinsic value of wisdom, as an end in itself, always surpasses everything else, including the pleasure and other external benefits that may accrue as the result of living wisely. Those are more like an added bonus than the real goal of life. STEPS FOR CHANGING DESIRES
So how do you get rid of unhealthy desires and learn to experience greater fulfillment in life, like the Stoics describe? Most of us find ourselves seeking hedonistic pleasures and indulging in bad habits that can seem difficult to break. Of course, in cases of genuine addiction to drugs or alcohol, you should seek professional advice. However, psychologists working in the 1970s developed reliable ways of changing ordinary habits and cravings. These methods are still being applied by therapists today to issues like snacking on unhealthy foods or fingernail biting. Some of our most persistent habits may be ways of avoiding unpleasant feelings, which leave deeper problems unresolved. However, spending too much time chasing empty pleasures can also prevent us from pursuing activities that we may find genuinely rewarding, such as living more fully in alignment with our core values. Arguably, that’s the most serious problem of all.
For example, people today often complain that they feel “addicted” to social media. They spend many hours online checking messages out of a kind of habit or compulsion, feeling agitated, bored, or uneasy if they try to abstain for any length of time. They obsess about social networks, computer games, television programs, etc., in the same way Lucius did about chariot races and gladiatorial bouts. On reflection, though, few would conclude that this is the most fulfilling way to spend their lives. Nobody has ever had the words “I wish I’d watched more television” or “I wish I’d spent more time on Facebook” engraved on their tombstone. If these empty and passive pleasures provide no lasting sense of fulfillment or satisfaction, the Stoics would caution us against spending too much time on them.
In particular, people suffering from clinical depression may find that unsatisfying pleasures have come to replace the more fulfilling activities that once gave their lives meaning. They can easily end up becoming forms of distraction or sources of emotional numbing.
So you should carefully evaluate your habits and desires in terms of the bigger picture: how much do these pursuits actually contribute to your long-term happiness or sense of fulfillment in life?
I’m going to recommend a simple framework for evaluating and changing your behavior based on a combination of cognitive-behavioral therapy and ancient Stoic practices. It consists of the following steps:
1. Evaluate the consequences of your habits or desires in order to select which ones to change.
2. Spot early warning signs so that you can nip problematic desires in the bud.
3. Gain cognitive distance by separating your impressions from external reality.