Sometimes these objective representations resemble the notes an ancient physician or natural philosopher may have made documenting their observations of physical phenomena. In modern cognitive therapy, we also suggest that clients think of themselves as scientists, approaching behavior change as an experiment with an attitude of curiosity, detachment, and objectivity. Marcus even applied this way of looking at the world to his sex life. We noted earlier that he had struggled to overcome feelings of anger as a young man. He also briefly mentions having sexual desires that he considered it better not to act upon. In book 1 of The Meditations Marcus says that, looking back, he’s grateful he chose to preserve his sexual innocence for a few years into his adulthood.21 He’s also thankful that when he was later troubled by strong sexual cravings, he overcame them and “never touched Benedicta or Theodotus”—possibly a female and male slave in the household of his father, the Emperor Antoninus. We can see that Marcus applied depreciation by analysis to sexual desires. At one point, for instance, he described sex to himself, perhaps as an ancient physician might, as merely the rubbing together of body parts followed by a convulsion and the ejaculation of some mucus.22 Not very romantic, but that’s the point—he was aiming to neutralize inappropriate sexual urges of the kind he struggled to overcome. (He had thirteen children, though, so he wasn’t completely opposed to sex.) The point isn’t to obliterate all desire but rather to moderate unhealthy or excessive desires, which place too much importance on certain types of pleasure. 4. DO SOMETHING ELSE
You’ve identified which desires you want to overcome, learned how to spot their early warning signs, and practiced how to pause and gain distance from them. In a sense, the best thing to do next is nothing. In other words, do not respond any further to the feelings of desire. You can certainly come back to those feelings later if you need to. Take a time-out instead of acting on the desire. You might want to leave the situation where you’re experiencing temptation. Many types of urges only last a minute or so at a time, although they may recur throughout the day. You only have to deal with the present moment, though, one instance of an urge or craving at a time. So having caught those feelings early and reminded yourself that it’s mainly your thinking that’s causing your feelings, just refrain from acting on the desire or go and engage in a different activity instead, something healthy that you find intrinsically rewarding. You are always free to do something else.
For example, suppose you’re in the habit of drinking a glass of wine every evening after work, but that’s gradually turned into a bottle of wine, perhaps sometimes two bottles. That’s not going to be healthy for you in the long run. Perhaps you’ve also decided your evenings would be better spent reading or going to evening classes instead, because that’s the sort of person you’d rather be. You know that being at home in the early evening is your trigger situation for engaging in this habit. You’ve noticed that it starts when you feel bored and agitated, and you tell yourself that you need a drink to relax. Now you’re getting better at catching the urge to drink as soon as it begins to appear. You notice your thoughts, and you’re aware of how they influence your feelings. You tell yourself, “It’s not the wine that makes me feel desire but the way I’m thinking about it.” So having paused and taken a step back from those feelings, the next step is to not pour yourself a glass of wine and to refrain from doing so long enough for the desire to abate. Additional temptations won’t last long, and you can deal with the feeling again in exactly the same way, one step at a time, if it comes back.
Instead of pouring a glass of wine, do something else: perhaps leave the house for a change of scenery. Do something that gives you a sense of genuine accomplishment rather than just a fleeting and empty sensation of pleasure. If you’re determined to break this sort of habit, you can remove temptation by getting rid of any bottles and wine glasses in your house and making a commitment not to buy replacements. You can engage in healthy “substitute behaviors” instead, like drinking fruit smoothies or herbal teas. Of course, what you do will depend on the type of habit that you want to overcome, but you get the general idea.
Ideally, as we’ve seen, your goal is to replace unfulfilling habits and desires with activities that you find more intrinsically rewarding. When we discussed values clarification earlier, we touched on this aspect of Stoicism, which has to do with acting in more “virtuous” ways. Sometimes, though, not doing something, the very act of overcoming a bad habit, might be considered a virtue, something to be valued for its own sake. One of the techniques Marcus employs most frequently in The Meditations is to ask himself what virtue or resource Nature has given him to cope with a particular situation. This is closely related to the question of what character traits we admire most in other people. Marcus says we typically praise the virtue of self-control or moderation in others, which stops us from being carried away by our pleasures.23 We don’t normally admire anyone for how much junk food they’ve eaten, but we praise their strength in overcoming bad habits such as eating too much junk food.
The Stoics thought that if we want to improve ourselves, we should be guided more by the qualities we admire in other people and our true values and principles than by avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. That sort of hedonistic life isn’t satisfying, and, as “The Choice of Hercules” implies, we can’t flourish as human beings and achieve things we can be proud of until we endure certain feelings of pain or discomfort or forgo certain pleasures.
This perspective arguably comes more to the fore when people have children and they begin to think about what it means to be a good parent. If you want to be a role model for your children, you should ask yourself what sort of person you are and what qualities you want to exhibit. Developing your own character by exercising moderation wisely in your daily life may then become more of a priority than the simple pursuit of pleasure. Of course, the Stoics would go further and argue that we should exercise wisdom, self-discipline, and moderation, not because it sets a good example for our children but because doing so is an end in itself—virtue is its own reward. We aim for wisdom and strength of character not because we’re hoping to gain something else but simply because that’s who we want to be in life.
You’ve also learned how Stoics studied the attitudes and behaviors of role models. For Marcus that included individuals from his own life like Antoninus Pius and Junius Rusticus, and also wise historical figures like Heraclitus, Socrates, and Diogenes the Cynic. The people we often admire have a fairly take-it-or-leave-it attitude toward bodily pleasures such as food and drink, like the attitude Marcus attributed to Socrates and observed in Antoninus. They don’t crave these pleasures or feel addicted to them. They place more value on their own character and integrity. On the other hand, they are able to enjoy pleasures in a healthy way, within reasonable bounds, remembering that they are temporary and not wholly under our control.